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Mary Worth, 6/10/23

Look, I am a huge animal lover. My wife and I have two cats that we dote on and spend a probably unreasonable amount of time thinking and talking about. We also trapped and neutered many feral cats who made their way through our neighborhood, and three of them now live in our yard full-time, and we feed them even though none of them will lower themselves to allow us to pet them or anything. If any of them were to disappear one day (something that is inevitably going to happen with the ferals), I would be devastated. And yet even in my grief, I would never assume that the fate of one of these beloved creatures would ever be worthy of coverage on the local news. I’m sorry, I know Santa Royale isn’t a big media market like Los Angeles, but there simply isn’t a news day slow enough for this.

Judge Parker, 6/10/23

Remember when Sophie was a weird tween and used her telescope to spy on her sister doing “that tongue thing” with a long-forgotten boyfriend? She sure took it all in stride then, just wryly smiling at the thought of it, though I guess it’s a little more surprising to physically stumble into your recently divorced parents making out than it would be to observe the human mating process from a safe distance through a specialized scientific instrument.

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Judge Parker, 5/27/23

Oh, can’t remember if I mentioned that the CIA let April out of prison, but: the CIA let April out of prison, presumably because they knew that no physical cell they could build could trap and torment her more than the walls of her own mind, where she can’t escape the memory of her life as an assassin. Remember when these two were young and fun and in love, and Randy made weird, vaguely sexual jokes about chopsticks? They need to recapture their youth and passion again, possibly by going back to what they’re best at (for April, this is assassinating people).

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/27/23

I can’t find it now, but wasn’t there some mention that Buck would be around to take care of Hank Sr. if he needed help while Hank Jr. and Yvonne were on their honeymoon? Well, apparently that wasn’t necessary, thank God. Hank Sr.’s doing just fine. So are his son and daughter-in-law. Everything’s fine! Everything’s going great.

Gasoline Alley, 5/27/23

Meanwhile, in Gasoline Alley everything is not going great. Rufus is having a medical emergency, probably because of that head injury! He needs an ambulance, but — get this — Joel doesn’t know how to operate a telephone. This might cause us concern, if we cared about these people, which we definitely do not.

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Blondie and Hi and Lois, 5/20/23

As a participant in the childfree lifestyle, I appreciate what representation I can find in the comics, even if it’s just Dagwood and Blondie’s best only friends Herb and Tootsie, or Hi and Lois’s best friends Hi’s coworker Thirsty and his wife Irma, who they keep at arm’s length. Anyway, Thirsty has at least come round to his opinion on procreation based on hard experience over a too-short fence, whereas Herb seems to be guessing at “parenting” activities based on movies he saw 20 years ago.

Judge Parker, 5/20/23

Oh, right, remember Eric, the traumatized son of the murderous meth judge? Well, his dad went to jail and now he’s living with Abbey, or maybe with Abbey’s horses. Abbey has been “feeling lost” ever since her dumb business venture, her political career, and her marriage all failed, but she has an idea, if Sophie is willing the help! (The idea is using Eric and Sophie to breed a new “master race” of weird sad foundling kids who ended up on Abbey’s ranch for whatever reason.)

Beetle Bailey, 5/20/23

OK, so the bad news is that we’re fighting another war, but the good news is that after like 70-plus years, the military has determined that Beetle is finally adequately trained to fight in it.