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Beetle Bailey, 12/13/06

You know, it’s kind of depressing that Beetle Bailey spends so much of its energy on the sexual frustrations of a pathetic old man. He wants to have sex with his secretary, his wife wants to have sex with him, blah blah blah. I personally would have liked to have been a fly on the wall at that sensitivity training. “But … but look at the way she’s dressed! I have to pound something!”

Mark Trail and Slylock Fox, 12/13/06

Congratulations, Mark Trail: I’ve read you for years, and you still keep me guessing. Usuallythe noise of the gears grinding as one plotline shifts to the next is audible from miles away; yet here we are, three months after the triumphant fisticuffs, and this damn this is still meandering along. At least we get to see what Rusty’s disturbing and lonely home life is like: taking many point-blank pictures of wounded, confused animals wandering around in a pen.

Faithful reader and long-time Mark Trail devotee MossMoses points out that the Trails not so long ago adopted a flightless goose that they called Lucky, which conflicts with the new name of our little beaver friend. But I think Mark took care of that: what do you think he fed to the bear, eh? Watch out, Lucky Beaver: the next adorable wounded animal that comes in here and you are Molly chow. I’ve appended today’s Slylock Fox to show you how that scenario will play out.

Gil Thorp, 12/13/06

So self-loathing, fake-hero-turned-real-hero, lounge-singer-named Stormy Hicks will finally be getting that commission to the Naval Academy he’s been dreaming about — not because of his heroism and honesty, and not because of the recommendation of a trusted coach and mentor, but because his girlfriend’s dad bankrolled the early stages of his Congressional representative’s political career, and now it’s payback time. BEHOLD YOUR SO-CALLED DEMOCRACY, AMERICA.

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Mark Trail, 12/9/06

One of the things that Mark Trail is ostensibly supposed to do is to teach young people about the ways of nature. That’s why we’re lucky that no young people actually read Mark Trail because the last thing you really should do if you encounter an injured animal — particularly an injured animal with enormous, powerful teeth that it’s temperamentally prone to going all bitey bitey with — is to pick it up. Fortunately Mark is like a modern-day St. Francis with his animal-charming powers, although somewhat more enthusiastic about punching hillbillies in the face than the good man from Assisi.

At some level, Mark knows that his reckless beaver-handling isn’t a good example for young people. That’s why Rusty has magically transmogrified into a full-grown adult in panels one and three.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/9/06

I could think of any number of mildly amusing punchlines that might have made incrementally but noticeably funnier use of the setup provided here. What appears to have happened is that someone at Hagar Central remembered that, according to the meticulously maintained and elaborate Hagar the Horrible canon, Hagar is actually illiterate, and reference to that fact had to be added in at the last minute lest all the Hagar nerds (chosen name: “Horribles”) tear this strip to pieces on the many, many Hagar fan sites.

Popeye, 12/9/06

So, yeah, Popeye’s been doing this “Olive Oyl is jealous of Sweet Pea and also just sort of in general” storyline for, like, months and months and months, which has mostly been unworthy of mention, until today when we get Olive contemplating “dating” a gorilla, which I, uh, thought worthy of mention.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/9/06

Niki, I warned you that “bad June” would be back before too long. If “painting the garage” is anything like “cleaning the basement,” a euphemism thought up by Mrs C. and her filthy-minded college friends, Niki had better hope that his jaw is back in top shape.

The Family Circus, 12/9/06

There’s something unspeakably creepy to me about Ma Keane standing in the doorway in the background of this scene, looking on at these crimes against pretend medical science silently and expressionlessly. It’s as if she’s watching another step in an unfathomable and long-running plan of her own design playing out. I’m not sure what that plan is, but it’s a good guess that it involves somebody’s freakishly oversized head being split open.

Spider-Man, 12/9/06

Later, after the drama is resolved: “Yeah, honey, it was reverse psychology! Yeah, that’s the ticket.”

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Gil Thorp, 12/8/06

This is just more evidence of why everyone hates Sean Pettibone. Stormy was just about to finally make his move, now that the object of his repressed homoerotic longing is literally unable to run away, and then BAM! Sean cock-blocks him with the classic “pamphlets about the Paralympics downloaded from the Internet” maneuver. Damn you, Pettibone, it was Stormy who carried Bill to safety, and Stormy who’s going to be there for him when he gets that gold medal! Now back off!

Beetle Bailey, 12/8/06

If you had asked me to guess which media outlet would be the first to reveal the existence of the terrifying, clandestine, black-clad paramilitary forces the Pentagon is using to eliminate its critics at home and abroad, I wouldn’t have said Beetle Bailey, that’s for sure.

Mary Worth, 12/8/06

AHHHH OH MY GOD TERRIFYING LEAD-HUED FLOATING GIANT ELLA HEAD SCARY SCARY SCARY!

Mark Trail, 12/8/06

AAAHHH OH MY GOD TERRIFYING EXTREME RUSTY CLOSE UP SCARY SCARY SCARY! I sure hope Mark’s “nature journalist” gig comes with insurance coverage for orthodontia.