Archive: Mark Trail

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/4/18

Ha ha, this story has gotten more off-putting more quickly than even I could’ve predicted. It’s only day two and we’re learning that Funky’s dad definitely fucks. The expressions in the final panel are a real journey: Funky’s is the face of a man thinking “Holy shit, my dad fucks?” and the receptionist’s is the smirk of a woman thinking “Heh heh, this guy’s unpleasant old dad fucks … and I’m telling everybody.

Kevin and Kell, 12/4/18

Oh, hey, by the way: the furries of Kevin and Kell? They don’t just kill and eat one another; they also fuck. They also talk to … a … tree, via some kind of … intercom system? But don’t let that distract you from the important thing, which is that they fuck.

Mary Worth, 12/4/18

You might think that this whole cat allergy business is just one more indignity Mary Worth the person and Mary Worth the comic strip has dumped on our poor Dr. Jeff. But remember, Mary once cruised a guy at his mother’s funeral and then contrived a fight with Jeff so she could dump him, only to deign to return when she realized that only Jeff was willing to subsidize her seafood habit. She enjoyed an extended Manhattan flirtation with handsome Broadwaysman Ken Kensington and only broke it off when she realized New York City’s traffic was dangerous to a small-town California girl like herself, accustomed to just stepping off the curb into the street willy-nilly. And so sure, maybe Mary’s foster cat sent Jeff fleeing from her apartment for his life, but in fact Libby has achieved the seemingly impossible: gotten Mary to refer to Jeff as her “boyfriend”! It’s too bad Jeff is miles away, doped up on Benadryl, and can’t hear it.

Judge Parker, 12/4/18

Meanwhile, in Judge Parker, Neddy has fled in failure and disgrace to the family compound, but is tired of hearing from everyone in her family about how she really needs to stop fleeing in failure and disgrace to the family compound, and so needs to go to the maid for emotional reassurance. Why should she even need Marie’s number? Isn’t the whole point of a maid that they’re always close enough that you can summon them by ringing a bell or clapping loudly and order them to bring you soup or tell you that you’re pretty and smart?

Mark Trail, 12/4/18

Looks like Cool Motorcycle Guy (or, to use his “government name,” Raul) is about to fall to his death. It seems somebody’s getting his just desserts for violating the number one rule of jungle karma: never insult a toucan.

Dennis the Menace, 12/4/18

Mr. Wilson had hated Dennis’s constant intrusions into his life for years, of course. But he finds his presence strangely comforting these days, now that Martha finally left him.

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Spider-Man, 11/30/18

Ridiculous get-up? Check! Paralyzing insecurities? Check! Unreliable super-powers? Check!

Looks like our Spidey has met his match!

Mary Worth, 11/30/18

“Dr. Jeff is an emasculated tool” Mary Worth is the best Mary Worth.

Now before anybody gets all “ditch the cat,” let me remind you that Mary once dumped a very promising boyfriend because he didn’t share Mary’s passion for seafood. And I’m betting Libby has no problems chowing down the chum. What’s more, Libby doesn’t seem to be allergic to Jeff, does she? So who’s at fault here, really?

If this gets any better I may wet myself.

On the Fastrack, 11/30/18

Dethany cruelly taunts co-workers who died of starvation.

Mark Trail, 11/30/18

Ol’ Sleepy-Eyed José is sounding sketchier by the minute: “Um, guys, those kids you asked me to take to Santa Poco? Well, we all got there, but they’re not with me anymore. They’re in some kind of trouble; don’t ask me what exactly: maybe they stumbled onto something? Certainly no murderous motorcyclist knife-throwing gang leader is chasing them across rooftops — that’s ridiculous, why did I even bring it up? Anyway, get up here quick — and by “here,” I mean a place I’ll call and tell you all about later!”

But Professor Carter will take any excuse to abandon his rest-stop-men’s-room headquarters for a ride in that sweet diesel crew-cab, with the air turned up to blast away the urinal-cake smell.


Guys: find yourself a girl who looks at you the way Dethany looks at donuts.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Six Chix, 11/27/18

Mama Bear finds proof her husband dallied with an elegant bejewelled she-bear in her own bed. Not the right time for a visit, Goldilocks.

Dustin, 11/27/18

Sometimes it’s fun to figure out how cartoonists arrive at the language that winds up on the page. Like maybe they started with “The past is prologue” but realized a prologue just sets the stage for what follows without determining it? And didn’t realize that “The past is predicate” means essentially the same thing, but in a logical rather than a narrative context? Or think “predicate” means “predictive”?

Sometimes it’s no fun at all.

Mark Trail, 11/27/18

“What’s that you say? Education? Book-learning? I’LL BEAT THOSE BRAINS RIGHT OUT OF HIM!

Mary Worth, 11/27/18

Am I really going to chronicle every petty indignity visited on Mary by her one-eyed demon cat?

Oh, you bet I am!

Bizarro, 11/27/18

Hey lady, if you want to offload one of those cats, I know where there’s a vacancy coming up real soon.


— Uncle Lumpy