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Hagar the Horrible, 8/7/18

Eddie, I’m sorry to report that, while ants don’t have organs that are homologous to human ears, they do have what’s called a subgenual organ, located below the ant’s femur and tibia leg joint, that can detect vibrations and thus help the ant detect and interpret most of what we think of as sound. If it makes you feel any better, though, ants can’t understand language, not even cruel insults, and neither do they have the sort of grasp of cause and effect that would allow them to construct a weird narrative loop where you come up with an answer to the question meant to shield you from the cutting response to that very answer.

Mark Trail, 8/7/18

Wow, Rusty’s finally figured out that maybe people don’t like it when you “translate” their weird foreign name into your language when you talk to them? But in case you’re worried this strip is getting too “politically correct,” it only occurred to Rusty that Jo(s)e was Mexican when he became comically sleepy.

Dennis the Menace, 8/7/18

There’s nothing more menacing than acting out not because you’re angry, not even because you’re cruel, but because you’re a bottomless pit of need and can feel no emotion other than a thrumming voice that yells WHY AREN’T THEY LOOKING AT ME.

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Mark Trail, 8/4/18

Sorry I haven’t talked about Mark Trail for, like, three weeks, but the whole time has just been Mark and Doctor Carter doing lots of dumb in-jokes about Indiana Jones and Trilogy of Terror, which, snooooooze. That’s the “security system” they’re talking about, the dumb fake idol from the Trilogy of Terror movie. Anyway, the children have been separated from the adults now, which, uh, never presages bad things, not at all, but at least for the moment let’s enjoy these adorable tiny deer? things? I very much want a Sunday strip teaching me all the fun facts about these guys!

Mary Worth, 8/4/18

Oh, good, Tommy just “realized” that he totally fixed his various addictions by thinking of them as sins rather than psychological or medical problems! Everything’s going to go completely smoothly from now on!

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Hey, everybody! I’m back from my voyages and ready to entertain you with my comics-mocking antics, once again! Let’s give a huge hand to Uncle Lumpy for his usual fill-in amazingness — Carl the Turtle is an instantly iconic character who I will treasure in my heart forever. And let’s also give a huge hand to the kind souls who contributed to the Summer 2018 fundraiser. I promise personal thank-yous this week, as well as solicitation of addresses for possible totebag-sending! You’re all the real heroes!

Meanwhile, let’s dive into the glory and pageantry of the comics page, with…

Funky Winkerbean, 7/12/18

…Funky Winkerbean heading out to Comic-Con! This is a groundbreaking adventure for our characters, who have never before attended this pinnacle of pop culture and comics fand– [aide whispers in ear] Oh, huh, just last year, you say? Well, confidential to the Funky Winkerbean creative team: you don’t have to set a storyline at Comic-Con every year to write the costs of passes and travel off on your taxes. It’s literally your industry’s main trade show! The word “comic” is right there in the name! Anywhere, here’s hoping that, having foregone a paid tour guide, Les takes a wrong turn in the exotic, dangerous city of “San Diego” and ends up murdered in one of its seedy back alleys, like in an Old Navy or something.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/18

Meanwhile, Uncle Lumpy rightfully refused to keep you updated on Rex Morgan, M.D., which over the course of my absence stayed relentlessly focused on its insanely dull “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in an RV” plot. The strip could’ve at least broken up the monotony by cutting away to one of its other thrilling and unresolved storylines, like [checks notes] ah. Hmm. Anyway, If you thought “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in an RV” was boring, wait till you get a load of “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in a midsized SUV.”

Mark Trail, 7/12/18

“She gets totally obsessive about artifacts — almost as if she’s a dedicated researcher well versed in the latest techniques in our field and doing her best to help everyone understand the material culture of ancient societies! Me, I’m just in it for a quick buck. I know some real rich creeps who’d pay good money for Vampire Mister Potato Head here, especially if I spin ’em some story about how the temple I found it in seemed cursed or whatever. These pith helmets don’t pay for themselves!”