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The Phantom, 10/23/15

“He looks like my son, but…! This young man is busy feeding his mind and imagination, whereas my son is a notorious dullard who would stuff this sandwich mindlessly into his maw, dribbling mayonnaise all over the delicate, ancient tomes!”

Apartment 3-G and Beetle Bailey, 10/23/15

NOOOO BEETLE DON’T IGNORE SYMPTOMS

IT’S TOO LATE FOR MARGO BUT IT’S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU

Herb and Jamaal, 10/23/15

Jamaal is straight-up gonna fuck that jar of water, flour, and yeast.

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The Phantom, 7/26/15

When we last saw Maurice, he was an unranked minion sleeping through his boss’s crash landing after a botched mission to kill the Phantom. You would expect such a terrible minion to be fired or at least killed, but co-branding agreements with a certain movie franchise have given minions everywhere second chances and promotions. Unfortunately, it hasn’t given Maurice sense enough to know which side of that door you want to be on when it closes.

The “Man who cannot die” has made a lot of enemies in his 479 years. There’s the Singh Brotherhood of Pirates, his Dad’s murderers, who date from before Bangalla moved from South Asia to Africa. And of course Chatu, the Wambesi terrorist who imprisoned Diana and now chills in tribal Supermax between Phantom beat-downs. Eric Sahara (The Nomad!) is subbing for Chatu during the latter’s sabbatical, but it doesn’t seem to be going well.

You know, daily Phantom is standing around spectating at Guran’s win-by-losing triumph in the Chief Derby, and Sunday Phantom is standing around spectating at the Nomad vs. Chatu gunathlon. Seems like the guy’s heart just isn’t in it anymore. Maybe it’s time to retire, let Heloise take her rightful place, and do color commentary.

Curtis, 7/26/15

Barry is an alternate-universe Curtis with the hero/tormentor and other roles subtly reversed. Here, Bizarro Derek and “Onion” deal out rough pool justice to history’s worst brother since Cain. And Ladies and Gentlemen, the hat is off!

Judge Parker, 7/26/15

Judge Parker seems hell-bent on making Neddy the sympathetic character because she was forced — forced — to turn down Mark’s proposal. And she feels terrible about it. What could that bastard have been thinking, to propose just like that for no reason at all!? And then leave in a huff. A goddamn HUFF the son of a bitch!!! Why do these terrible things keep happening to Neddy?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Family Circus, 7/21/15

Fifty weeks out of the year, the fine folks at Team Family Circus bring you wholesome jokes beneath drawings of children. This is them telling us they’re on vacation, dammit.

Beetle Bailey, 7/21/15

I’ve always suspected that for Sarge, beating down Beetle was an end in itself rather than an attempt at discipline, and here he flat-out admits it. But it’s sad how bored and disengaged he looks in the second panel there. “No, I don’t care about the nap.” you can hear him say, “Beatings — of the prescribed duration and intensity — are what I do. They have become who I am. But lately I don’t even care about the beatings. As soon as I’m done here, I’ll go weep into my food.”

Phantom, 7/21/15

OK, so Kipawa here has challenged Guran for chief of the Bandar, which really irritates Guran trufans Kit Jr. and Heloise. Now we all know Guran is going to pull some mysterious win-by-losing BS out from under that manskirt of his so don’t worry. But what’s with the dress code for these Bandar events? We usually see the kids in loose-fitting Bandar-style thong ‘n’ sarong outfits, but they put on Gap to visit the tribe? I mean, Dad hasn’t even changed from his work outfit (never changes it so ripe ugh poor Diana).

— Uncle Lumpy