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Mark Trail, 1/30/17

Last week’s Mark Trails were a between-stories palate cleanser that depicted a noble woodland creature (a bear) in search of a meal, which I didn’t post here because they were kinda dull. Today’s Mark Trails is about another noble woodland creature (Mark Trail) in search of a meal, which he’s having handed to him in a huge, steaming stack, and I’m posting it here because it’s amazing. That pile of flapjacks is hypnotic, and it’s totally worth violating the 180-degree rule between panels one and two to keep them in the same spot in the frame, focusing our attention on them and emphasizing the fact that nobody in the room can take their eyes off their pancakey deliciousness.

Meanwhile, Rusty wants us to know that he enjoys pancakes too. Tough shit, Rusty! Did you narrowly escape an exploding island anytime recently? No? Then how about you sit there in blessed silence and let Mark methodically and manfully devour that entire heap of griddled delight in peace.

Mary Worth, 1/30/17

Hey, remember when someone wrote into “Ask Wendy” with a professional dilemma that blatantly mirrored the Iris-Zak-Wilbur triangle? Mary told the questioner they should make a list of pros and cons for each of their options. Well, looks like that didn’t work! Looks like Mary’s whole professional advice-giving style is bullshit. Looks like Wilbur’s gonna have to come back from Antarctica and CLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY HIS, by which I mean his advice column, but probably Iris will end up back with him too because this strip always makes a list pros and cons for every potential narrative resolution and inevitably settles on the least interesting option.

Pluggers, 1/30/17

Usually when Pluggers presents a plugger’s version of some common phrase, it’s supposed to be a simpler, down-home alternative to some fancy pants elitist institution. But the “discount double-check” is a service offered by State Farm to its car insurance customers and advertised in heavy rotation during NFL games, so this cartoon is … confusing? Do pluggers not use car insurance, because only a bad person would have a car accident, probably because they’re listening to rap music? Or does State Farm cater to effete city dwellers? It’s got “farm” right in the name, darn it!

Dennis the Menace, 1/30/17

I mean, I guess that’s what they call it when you try to leave the Cheesecake Factory without paying and sprain your elbow as security wrestles you to the ground!

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Family Circus, 1/28/17

Awww, isn’t it cute? Jeffy has heard advice on looking both ways before crossing the street, but is too young to have really processed or understood it! Less cute: Jeffy and his toddler brother have been abandoned on a street corner, and are apparently about to wander out into traffic, utterly unprepared for what comes next. Looks like they’re going to get pretty muddy, right before they get hit by a car!

Pluggers, 1/28/17

Pluggers know marriage is like endlessly driving alone down a darkened highway, with thousands of pounds of cargo behind you and your destination days away, and the only way to make it bearable is amphetamines.

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Mary Worth, 1/22/17

Hmm, some interesting mixed messages being sent by Mary Worth today. On the one hand, Dostoyevsky urges us to resist the urge to try to cater to popular opinion, implying we should follow our hearts, enjoying sexy times with hot younger dudes no matter how much our ex-ish-boyfriends’ daughters might disapprove. On the other hand, the final panel reveals that Iris is feeling some regrets, or at least has chosen to end the evening by settling into bed not with her sexy young lover, but rather a laptop with its browser pointed to www.giantpictureofwilburweston.com. Watch out, Zak!

Pluggers, 1/22/17

A grandpa plugger’s bucket list will never be completed … because they will never die, thanks to their awesome power of astromancy! THE BEAST-MAN WHO NAMES AND CONTROLS THE STARS IS THE BEAST-MAN WHO LIVES FOREVER, AS PROPHECY FORETOLD