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Zits, 7/18/20

Zits has been doing this mildly funny thing all week where various characters in or ostensible creative personnel behind the strip have been absent because they’re “on furlough” (ha ha, it’s funny because the world is in an economic crisis leading to widespread mandatory underemployment!), but today’s edition took, for one brief panel, a turn for the horny! But that wasn’t just restricted to Zits: there’s a real epidemic of horniness in today’s funny pages.

Beetle Bailey, 7/18/20

The “Halftracks hate each other” Beetle Bailey strips have done angry horny before, but this is a particularly egregious example. I think what really makes it is not that Mrs. Halftrack has hired some shirtless himbo to bring her liquor as she sits in her poolless back yard, and not even that General Halftrack is staring at her out the window; it’s that Major Greenbrass, the General’s subordinate and golf partner (I hesitate to say “friend”) has been roped into the ugly scene, much against his will.

Blondie, 7/18/20

Blondie is also extremely horny today, though it takes great pains to emphasize that this horniness takes places entirely within the boundaries of normative suburban heterosexual monogamy. I can’t put a finger on why, but I find the idea of Dagwood going all ahWOOga after seeing his wife’s hot bod while wearing a tan polo shirt tucked into black khaki shorts particularly distasteful.

The Lockhorns, 7/18/20

Today’s Lockhorns isn’t horny per se, but seeing Leroy angry because this movie isn’t arousing him the way he wants it to is at least horny-adjacent.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/18/20

A stern, mysterious old woman, dressed all in black, ordering Rex to follow her detailed instructions if he wants to win June’s affections? That’s so not horny that I think it’s looped all the way back around to horny again.

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Mary Worth, 7/16/20

“Not long. You know, Madi, I used to have a husband and son, but do you hear me complaining about their death and their mysterious disappearance, respectively? Of course not. I push all that pain deep down inside. Remember, the past only exists by how you remember it!”

Beetle Bailey, 7/16/20

The list of hilariously off base “This is what Beetle Bailey thinks a [insert any noun here] looks like” is of course long and storied, but what Beetle Bailey apparently thinks a rock musician looks like is a particularly great addition to it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/16/20

“It’s not like we, say, own a clinic together. Can you imagine? Like, I’d have to look at your dumb sour face all day, for one thing. To say nothing of dealing with your terrible personality.”

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Mark Trail, 3/15/20

“We are here, and by ‘here’ I mean … somewhere in … a city, maybe? Definitely on a street corner of some kind. And there’s a crowd of people … nearby? … who may or may not have anything to do with whatever’s happening here right now. But the important thing is that we’ve brought in Mark Trail to talk about Tinseltown movie magic, and — get this — he put on a suit and tie to talk to us. And not a well-tailored suit, either! What a rube!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/15/20

I honestly can’t tell if Rex is trying to put a stop to the flirting, because it’s workplace-inappropriate and also leads to sex which is icky and gross, or if the thinks that his weird, obfuscative statement that doesn’t indicate who’s flirting with who somehow constitutes more flirting.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 3/15/20

Have you ever wondered if the sapient bird-women and -men if Mother Goose and Grimm live their lives in terror thinking about the very real possibility that they’ll be killed, dismembered, and served up to humans to eat at a popular fast food restaurant? Well, good (?) news!