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Oh my gosh it’s the last day of the 2021 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser! Hurry!

And remember, there’s no Comment of the Week on my watch—look for an extra helping from Josh next Friday.

Mary Worth, 9/3/21

Wilbur canonically has exactly four hairs in his combover, never one more nor fewer. But his rage over %$#@! cat Libby’s shocking disrespect has released a flood of hair-sprouting testosterone, and now he can’t get enough. As if caught in a terrible Jason Statham movie, he must now keep the rage alive, until at last he stands utterly alone but glorious in his ’80’s arena-rock hirsute majesty.

Gil Thorp, 9/3/21

That’s it? Gil Thorp‘s legendary reporter Marjie Ducey says “Oops, I wanna retire!” and in comes this usurper and that’s it? What am I supposed to do with my Marjie Ducey is Gil Thorp’s Side-Piece fanfic now, huh?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/3/21

Uh-oh, looks like Jordan Like the Country’s stolen valor confession was itself a cover story for some dark secret which, in the manner of comic-strip dark secrets, has come back to haunt him.

But tread lightly, Griff! You think you can just waltz back to fill your buddy’s humdrum life with drama and passion? Look into those steely eyes—he’s heavily invested in this tedium. And if he has to go all Jordan Like the Rogue State Whose Interests Do Not Align With Those of Major Powers, so be it!

Between Friends, 9/3/21

Of the three principals in Between Friends, Susan and Kim have concerns (about aging and financial security, respectively), but only Maeve here has conflict. She’s been maintaining an exhausting long-distance relationship with love-interest Steve because of her relentless careerism (and, to be fair, his). Last week, though, she decided to march right up to her boss and quit in the interests of True Love.

Ah well, character runs deep and so does whatever she‘s got. Perhaps Steve will find solace in the arms of Marjie Ducey down there in the sweet enveloping darkness of the memory hole.

Venmo—like Vendo, without the candy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/28/21

“Wait, you don’t have cancer? And here I thought you were coming on to me, you little tease!”

Judge Parker, 8/28/21

A Christmas Reunion

April watched her sigh dissolve in the icy air. The blur of life on the run, the breakup, all led her back here, to Cavelton. Her Dad needed her: the family business was on the rocks. Just one more job, he said, for Abby. Good money, done by Christmas, then Mallorca.

She crossed the square past the carolers, careful to stay within sightlines from the bank roof. In position on the Courthouse steps, right on time. Distract the mayor, five seconds tops, then run with the crowd.

The doors opened to reveal … Randy? But not the cringing loser she had abandoned: this man strode confidently, head high— like a Judge. Shocked and excited, she glanced up and purred, “Hey, you.” “April? Is it really you?” he replied, taking her hands just as the bullet from Norton’s rifle tore through his lung. “Bastard!” April thought, “Mallorca, my ass!”

Kneeling beside Randy on the now empty steps, she heard him whisper, “This … this is where we belong … together!” They embraced for the last time, as the Christmas music swelled and snow began to fall.

Mary Worth, 8/28/21

Where duels were illegal, duellists often settled their scores on boundary-river sandbars of uncertain jurisdiction. This is the precedent for Wilbur and Libby duking it out in the litter box.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/28/21

The Morgans return to their roots—getting free stuff, and deciding which free stuff they prefer to the other free stuff they get.

Oh, hi! I’m sitting in through Monday, September 6, while Josh visits friends and family back East. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net with any site or comment issues.

Be sure to alert me if you have trouble reading this in Josh’s new ultra-convenient newsletter format—I’m new to it, and different platforms/email clients treat html differently.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Gil Thorp, 8/23/21

Say what you will about Gil Thorp, and I’ve said a lot, but at least it has a certain level of realism that other strips lack, in the sense that it’s about a high school sports program and the teams have mediocre seasons more often than not, like most high school teams do. This realism even extends to its characters’ everyday non-sports lives! Did you know that proving your mettle with some cool detective work isn’t going to secure you a journalism career? It really isn’t! Sorry, Heather! I guess you’ll be breaking the glass ceiling and becoming the first woman to get an unpaid “job” coaching high school football in Milford, I’m sure that will open up all sorts of opportunities for you.

Dick Tracy, 8/23/21

One of my favorite sci-fi short stories is Isaac Asimov’s “The Dead Past,” about a near-future society where technology that can view the past has been invented but its nature is kept secret and its use is heavily restricted by the government, and a group of heroic historians and scientists manage to reinvent it and publish the plans worldwide, only to realize too late that a machine that can see 1,000 years into the past can also see 30 seconds into the past and they’ve just eliminated privacy for everyone, everywhere, forever. Dick is going to be thrilled to hear about this invention, in other words.

Rex Mogan, M.D., 8/23/21

“Plus, uh, remember all that stolen valor I did? Probably for the best not to invite those guys, is what I’m saying. I’m all about the future, not the past!”

Curtis, 8/23/21

You can put your dad’s face on your social media accounts, Curtis, but his butt? That’s reserved for paying subscribers to big_ass_greg’s OnlyFans account.