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Beetle Bailey, 9/22/15

I am very interested in how exactly the process in the Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC writers room came together to generate this alleged humor product. “So, we’re agreed that the punchline to Tuesday’s strip should be that Otto, a dog who wears clothes and walks upright and thinks in complete sentences, will be peeing on Lt. Fuzz’s garden. Any pitches on how we punch that up a bit?” “How about if he gets a really mean face when he thinks about urinating on the flowers. Like it’s a threat.” “I like it, I like it. Do we want to make it seem just a little sexual? The pee-threat?” “Yes. Yes. Now we’re talking.”

Mary Worth, 9/22/15

I know we have a few months left, but I’m calling it now: Mary saying “Toby has many friends” with a facial expression that clearly indicates that she knows that Toby has no friends, even Mary is more than an acquaintance, really, just someone she talks to because of physical proximity, so why don’t we cut to the chase, why don’t we end this charade, human connection is impossible on this side of the veil, is definitely the panel of the year.

Shoe, 9/22/15

English is of course the international language of business and diplomacy, the equivalent of French or Latin in their heyday, so we can’t fault marginal cultures like the bird-people of Treetops for adopting it and the advantages that come with it. But still, it’s sad that, in only a few generations, they’ve completely abandoned the ancient language of birds. Do they ever look at the dusty old books of Bird-Speech, the impenetrable symbols taunting them with the reminder of their ancient cultural heritage, now lost forever?

Mark Trail, 9/22/15

Oh hey over in Mark Trail Mark is about to tangle with some bad guys in that radioactive wreck! In the close confines of that boat it’d be dangerous to actually fire his spear gun, so I guess he’s just going to stab them in the gut, one by one.

Wizard of Id, 9/22/15

Oh, did summer go by too fast for your tastes? I guess you don’t really know how to do summer! I guess you should be more like this smug cartoon wizard here!

Pluggers, 9/22/15

It takes highly advanced and extremely expensive science just to keep pluggers alive.

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Judge Parker, 9/4/15

Marie, the Spencer-Drivers’ sassy maid, is quickly becoming my favorite character in this strip, what with her apparent love of telling the main characters exactly why their ludicrous schemes will fail, and her swoopy eyebrows giving her the exactly correct expression of anger-driven glee. Neddy looks mildly concerned over the chaos she’s going to accidentally unleash on her still-under-constructions offices next week, though probably she’s mostly thinking about how the angry proles will turn on each other, literally beating each other to death in a competition for some of the last manufacturing jobs in the area, and then she’ll have to figure out how to get poor person blood out of all the fabric she’s hopefully remembered to buy.

Six Chix, 9/4/15

There’s a lot to unpack in this insane cartoon. Like, I had to actually Google “are giraffe spots unique” to figure out the joke. Then there’s the fact that the psychologist (?) is a giraffe but also labelled “VET”, as if sapient giraffes would use the term for their own indigenous medical practitioners. Mostly, though, I just want to point out that our de-spotted giraffe patient has limbs that all look way too much like dicks for my comfort.

Shoe, 9/4/15

I love that the usual patented Shoe Goggle Eyes of Horror have been replaced here with Goggle Eyes of Transcendent Rage. “Wait, what? You’re mocking your sacred duty under democracy to understand the platforms of candidates for public office? In my restaurant? Oh, hell no.”

Spider-Man, 9/4/15

Man, Peter Parker really cares about admiralty law and maritime sovereignty. “BOO! GET BACK TO US WHEN ATLANTIS RATIFIES THE UNITED NATIONS CONVENTION ON THE LAW OF THE SEA!”

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Apartment 3-G, 8/15/15

Wow, after weeks and weeks of virtually no forward movement or anything of interest in Apartment 3-G, we have something that … might be interesting? Lately, Margo’s taken to wandering around Manhattan in a fog of confusion, occasionally hassled by people on the street who claim to know her but whom she keeps pushing away. But now we learn that her mysterious stalkers are named … Tim and Eric? If these names ring a bell, it’s because Eric Mills was Margo’s grill-loving almost-fiance who died in an avalanche (supposedly) smuggling his brother Tim and the Pachen Lama out of Tibet. But maybe Eric survived, or, weirder, maybe he died but has been reincarnated/called forth out of the spirit world by powerful Himalayan magic, to join forces with his brother to … irritate Margo, for some reason? The other possibility is that this whole thing is some sort of prank perpetrated by discomfort-causing alt comedians Tim and Eric, which honestly seems equally likely.

Shoe, 8/15/15

Whoa there, Shoe: priests don’t turn water into wine or vice versa. A priest could help facilitate a little transubstantiation, but unfortunately the accidents of the wine are not transformed in that process, and thus it will still taste terrible.

Pluggers, 8/15/15

Pluggers don’t use CREDIT CARDS issued by BANKS controlled by the ILLUMINATI CABAL who want to DESTROY AMERICA and establish a NEW WORLD ORDER so YES they WILL be paying with LIBERTY SCRIP backed by the INTRINSIC VALUE OF THE MINERAL RIGHTS INHERENT TO THEIR ALLODIAL PROPERTY on which they DON’T PAY TAXES because they’re SOVEREIGN CITIZENS and if you won’t take that but you will take BIG GOVERNMENT’S FIAT MONEY then you my friend are very much PART OF THE PROBLEM and I’ll be posting about this on FACEBOOK, believe you me