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Hi and Lois, 7/1/19

Oh, man, take that, corporate fast food chains. Real America, as represented by the Flagstons, our most iconic artistic depiction of the suburban middle class, is sick of your bullshit. Burger King? More like Burger PEASANT. McDonald’s? More like McGARBAGE. Don’t even get them started on “fast casual quick service restaurants” or whatever people are expected call Chipotle and the various “Chipotle but for non-burrito foods” places. From now on, the only good kind of fast food is hot dogs sold at shockingly low prices served out of wooden carts that are grandfathered out of health department oversight. They will not come with any packaging, or any napkins.

Mary Worth, 7/1/19

FINALLY, our long national Estelle-Arther-Wilbur nightmare is over and we’re moving on to a … Dawn plot? Um. I’m not quite sure this is what we’ve been begging for, but since she makes it clear she’s not taking classes this summer, that means she’s got lots of free time that could in theory lead to wacky hijinks. Today we get a glimpse into how Dawn has matured over the years: despite the high-end education she’s getting at UC Santa Royale, which includes very personalized attention from the faculty, she’s polite enough to just smell Mary’s roses and not condescendingly explain what a metaphor is.

Slylock Fox, 7/1/19

Slylock is doing some basic math to prove that Wanda’s average speed since leaving the diner is higher than the posted speed at one specific point along her route, which, if you think about it, doesn’t add up to anything that would hold water in court, at all, but I think it’s even more important to point out that Wanda is an actual witch with the power of flight and maybe the car just flew most of the way there, you know? Speed limits only apply to the ground! What are you, in charge of sky law now, Slylock? You’re not, you hear me? You’re not in charge of sky law!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/23/19

I know we all complain about how generally dull Rex Morgan has been since Woody Wilson retired as writer, but have we considered that maybe this is all at Rex’s request? Like, you try dealing with stripper subletters and MRSA epidemics and funeral brawls and helping your nanny defraud her stepson out of his inheritance, twice. You’d probably want a few years of low-stakes medical practice too! But hopefully for our sakes things are going to pick back up with a case of poisoning, or at least maybe factitious disorder, and a patient capable of producing a pissyface worth of Rex himself.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/23/19

Ha ha, check out the answer to this “mystery”: Slylock knows that no Great White shark could survive in a cage for three days, but he and Max still swam away, because they “didn’t want to take chances.” What’s the matter, Slylock? Not willing to stake your life on your endless supply of nature facts? Do you lack the courage of your convictions? I guess Weirdly is safe in his undersea hideout, with his probably but not definitely fake shark, to plot against us!

Pluggers, 6/23/19

I guess if you had asked me “Hey Josh, you wanna see a dead plugger,” I would’ve said “Sure, absolutely,” but it turns out that stumbling across the actual depiction of a plugger corpse in the funny pages actually unnerved and upset me. Sorry, everyone! I don’t want to see the dead body of some folksy animal-human hybrid abomination given the trappings of a decent funeral! Keep this business out of the paper, in my opinion!

Funky Winkerbean, 6/23/19

I’m no Ken Burns, but I would definitely start my Butter Brinkel research into finding out how Brinkel managed to make a career out of blatantly ripping off Buster Keaton.

Panel from Dennis the Menace, 6/23/19

The actual punchline was about video games or something, but I firmly believe that the absolute funniest image the comics will have to offer for 2019 will be a furious Mr. Wilson, having just been alerted by some article in the paper to the existence of people born after 1982, barking “Martha! You ever heard of these millennials?” at his wife while she brings him the cocktail that will hopefully spur his typical three-hour afternoon nap, when she can finally get some peace and quiet.

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Mary Worth, 6/20/19

Man, I didn’t intend to make this an All-Mary Worth week; in fact, if you had told me on Monday that we’d be getting a whole additional week of Estelle dating drama, I’d have been pretty mad about it. And yet I have been delighted to see a week spent with Mary and Dr. Jeff just taking potshots at Wilbur as they burn endless marine fuel zipping around the Channel Islands. Delighted, I say! Anyway, today we learn that Mary doesn’t really have much of a grip on Wilbur’s personality; she figures that, as a man, he must be “into” “sports” of some kind, but the only “sport” we’ve ever seen him engage in is running around in the woods with his illegitimate not-son. Despite claiming to value Wilbur as a friend or whatever when she was trying to stop him from hurling himself off a cliff, she clearly doesn’t have much interest into what Wilbur Weston is actually all about, and, honestly, who can blame her.

Slylock Fox, 6/20/19

Here’s another Six Differences that takes place at the very day, at the very moment when the animals suddenly Awoke and began the uprising that displaced humans from their place at the top of the food chain. Our enterprising bulldog has already realized he can manipulate tools and has freed his comrade from leash-slavery, while the shocked bunnies look on and realize start to understand their own sudden power. One thing that occurs to me is that a significant majority of pets are spayed or neutered, yet the post-animalpocalypse world has no shortage of puppies and kitties — do you think whatever process changed the animals also reversed the sterilization imposed on them by their oppressors? Anyway, these dogs are gonna go fuck, probably.

Beetle Bailey, 6/20/19

A thing I genuinely laughed at in today’s Beetle Bailey is the guy running in the background of panel one, presumably fleeing from the tornado, while General Halftrack and Major Greenbrass argue semantics. Ha ha, they’re going to be killed!