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Crock, 6/21/18

[extremely hack ’90s standup comedian voice] Hey, you guys, uh, you heard about this “Google”? They got all these crazy names for things on the Internet. [adjusts tie] It’s wild, man, it’s wild. Hey, what if there was some old wise man in a cave and it turned out he was just surfing the web using “Google”? [pats forehead with handkerchief] That’d be pretty crazy, huh?

Gasoline Alley, 6/21/18

Well, we’ve moved on from Slim’s erotic concussion and have started a new Gasoline Alley plot, about a centenarian with paranoid delusions about the personal care industry, and I’m not gonna lie: I am hooked.

Family Circus, 6/21/18

Look at those eyes! Look at that spittle! Listen to the unhinged ravings! Billy is in the middle of a full-on cookie mania, and it’s difficult to watch.

Hi and Lois, 6/21/18

WHEN YOU’VE COMMITTED A SIN SO GREAT THAT EVEN THE SUN ABANDONS YOU

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Dick Tracy, 6/20/18

Oh, right, so it turns out Sawtooth wasn’t at Rocky Horror for fun, but for work, his work being to bite Ygor Glitch to death, in a room that isn’t exactly brightly lit but is very crowded and probably if some dude had his throat suddenly torn open by some other dude’s metal teeth … I dunno, people would notice? Exactly how orgiastic and crazed does the Dick Tracy creative team think Rocky Horror showings are, anyway? Having been to one, I feel confident in saying that a particularly gruesome murder would draw some attention. What does ring true is that the Rocky Horror kids would snidely refer to Dick by the actually funny name of the in-universe comic strip about him, which was a thing that I had forgotten was a thing but is honestly great.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/20/18

Look, Hagar, I get that, after a hundred savage raids in your life, you’re bored with just stabbing people to death. But how many people have you managed to kill or paralyze by hurling them from the top of their own castles, while Eddie and the rest of your men go at it with their swords? Is this really the most efficient way to go about this?

Pluggers, 6/20/18

I’m pretty sure the plugger cat-man doesn’t have a wife? That may be why he looks so startled here. He’s never heard any of this before!

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Blondie, 6/19/18

Apparently Blondie HQ finally got wind of the insanely dumb Rick and Morty fan riots at McDonald’s over Szechuan Sauce, and decided to tackle it as only they can, which is to say by taking care not to infringe on anybody else’s intellectual property. Still, I like the idea that in Dagwood’s imagination the dispute stops being about a specific kind of sauce and just becomes about sauce as a general category, and also that it only took nine signs before they got to extremely stilted phrases like “Unfair to sauce cravers” and “Stop the sauce withholding madness!”

Judge Parker, 6/19/18

“I ask that you hold all questions until the very end. Particularly about the spelling of my name, which, as I’ve already established, is M-A-H-L-E-R. Harold is spelled the usual way. I’m not sure how you spell Godiva. Ahem. At approximately 9:30 am, Ms. Danube’s body w–” “Commander Mahler! How do you spell ‘Danube?’” “God damn it, what did I say?”

Mary Worth, 6/19/18

“I’m close to my mom too. She’s still young and hot though, and has an extremely active sex life. [as Brandy’s weeping intensifies] How horny was your mom, Brandy?”

Mark Trail, 6/19/18

“Settle down, Rusty! Rambunctious little boys are the first to be sacrificed.”