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Mark Trail, 6/21/14

Looks like Mark’s new safari buddies Chris and Lori are going to reproduce the Jessica and Marlin dynamic: virtuous wife who likes Mark married to evil husband who is immediately suspicious of Mark. Is Chris a secret rhino-horn poacher/Jacob Hickman kidnapper? Probably! Still, it’s not fair to say he’s unemployed, since being Guile from the Street Fighter video game series is probably a pretty good gig.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/21/14

Hey, were you wondering how the drama with Les’s terrible cancer-porn screenplay is affecting Les and Cayla’s sex life? No? Well, too bad, because it’s been bad for their sex life. Bad. They’re not having sex. If you know what I mean. Wait, of course you know what I mean, because I was very up front about it. Anyway, I guess if you had to learn the answer to the yes/no question “Have Les and Cayla had sex lately?” then it’s marginally better that the answer be “no,” but really, not by much.

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It is Friday, and therefore time for your comment of the week!

“Today’s Mark Trail really captures why the Victorian explorers called Africa ‘the Bright Continent.’ As Livingstone wrote in his journals, as he travelled up the River Zambezi into the heart of whiteness: ‘All around us, scorching white light. So bright, it washes away the background. People just feet away seem little more than colorless shadows.'” –Voshkod

And your very funny runners up!

“Ha, Billy *did* include ‘DISA POINT’, eerily foreshadowing our reactions.” –grayangora

“Loretta feels nothing but terror at Leroy’s desire to become a Vulcan. Having to have sex with him every seven years would be far too frequent.” –Christopher

“‘Is she for real?’ That’s a rather mild reaction to being confronted with your palette-swapped doppelgänger, but Apartment 3-G is all about the mild reactions.” –TheDiva

“Is Happiness Falls an Old Order Mennonite community? I’m wondering if that might explain why Jack rode off on a horse (without a cell phone) and no woman in town ever bares any neckline below her clavicle. God willing, the next storyline will send Margo to South Padre Island.” –Oregonian

“Well, the full-front mugshot is taken care of. Now for a profile shot, and then the cops will be all prepared once Sarah’s inevitable serial killing spree is launched.” –dmsilev

“Greetings, little girl. I am not an angel. I am a fairy! See how I wave! I am the Heroin Fairy and I was on my way to Tommy’s room when I walked into yours by accident! I guess that’s why they say you shouldn’t sample your own sales, huh? Ha-Ha! But seriously little girl, I couldn’t help noticing that you bear a strong resemblance to a tween Rosie O’Donnell. Sturdy with a good constitution! And I hear your going back to New York City soon, So how would you like to be the Heroin Fairy’s special ‘drug mule’ — I mean ‘helper’. How many balloons do you think you can swallow comfortably?” –gelded wildebeeste

“I love how unabashedly, psychotically enthusiastic Olive is about receiving direct contact with a literal agent of the divine. In the the Bible, angels generally preface their appearances with some variant of ‘Be Not Afraid…’, presumably because a being formed from pure holy radiance is pretty damn scary. But Olive just looks at the inexplicably grandmotherly visage suffused with God’s glory (she imagines the divine in Mary’s image?) with the same expression of generic excitement she directed at the flower fairies, the ripples of the Charterstone pool, and Mary’s unidentifiable contribution to the potluck. What I’m saying is that we’re actually dealing with a Rex Morgan storyline about the dangers of over-medicating kids.” –Master Softheart

“Oh, right. Like the Queen of Hurleyburg would reign in a little black cocktail dress and heels. That is so unrealistic: everyone knows that get-up is only for a secretary on a military base.” –Dr. Mabuse

“If you want your team to have better pitching strength, you should add the knuckleball to your bag of tricks. Having trouble perfecting the knuckleball? Try removing a finger or two so you have a large knuckle stump like the kid in panel two.” –Chareth Cutestory

“OK, what the fuck am I looking at in panel one of today’s Mary Worth? It looks like the goateed dad is the subject of a modern Salvador Dali surrealist project, in Dali’s common theme of sleep and unconsciousness. He holds the cup unknowingly to his lips, with no hands; even in his waking hours, he is only present in a crude state of physical flesh, without mentally being present. Truly a metaphor for all of us who slog through the endless repetition of 9-5 white collar work.” –HAnzMFG

“‘Uncle Cosmo, what was life like back before television?’ ‘Cant … talk … now … watching … butter.'” –Red Greenback

“The angel also warned me not to run with scissors, and that I should update my vaccinations before the next school year. He was kind of a drag, actually.” –pugfuggly

“Flower fairies? Sure. Big-ass Angel O’Premonition? You bet. But if Wilbur Weston saves this girl from drowning I am done with this strip. Suspension of disbelief is great, but there is a line.” –Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 6/20/14

Good news, everyone! Everyone’s shared love for Judge Parker Senior’s unreadable book has helped broker a truce between warring factions, and now the wedding reception can continue. Now we can focus on the important questions, like: did Randy get married in a mint green suit? For real?

Mary Worth, 6/20/14

Wow, this is a disappointing revelation on a number of levels. First, it seems kind of lame that the heavenly prophecy Olive received was just “don’t go near the pool, kid.” But even worse is how casual she seems about it. “Mommy, mommy, a glowing, heavenly messenger of the divine with huge, terrifying wings came down from heaven and whispered in my ear and told me never to go swimming!” “That’s nice, dear. Say, do you want to take swimming lessons?” “Enh, maybe, let me think about it.”

Mark Trail, 6/20/14

Welp, looks like Woods and Wildlife’s expose on rhino poaching has been derailed because their African contact has been kidnapped or killed or something. But don’t worry, Mark’s glommed his way onto some white couple’s safari, so he’ll be coming back with a bunch of wildlife pictures that look exactly like the wildlife pictures available from wire services or Wikipedia. He’ll still be expensing the whole trip, of course.