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Slylock Fox (panel), 8/11/13

In a neglected roadside nature museum sits a dusty diorama labeled “The Eagle.” But there is no eagle — just the shattered skeleton of a fox lying on a patch of bloodstained dirt near a few tufts of reddish fur and what might be part of an ear. The yellowing card reads, “The diet of the American Bald Eagle is almost entirely fish. An eagle will not attack a fox unless it competes for the eagle’s food or otherwise provokes it.”

What I’m saying is don’t piss off the eagle, Sly. I mean just look at him, Jeez.

Beetle Bailey (panels), 8/11/13

Oh look, it’s Beetle’s Dad! Did you know he’s also the father of Lois Flagston from Hi and Lois? His wife starves him until he completes the work she’s assigned! Just like in the Army!

Hi and Lois, 8/11/13

No starvation for Hi — Lois keeps meat on those bones with a steady diet of nutritious soups. But his family’s relentless petty demands give him no peace, and drive him by degrees to the farthest margins of his home. Lois is blind to his suffering — this is just the way families are, isn’t it?

Judge Parker (panel), 8/11/13

I’ll spare you the cheesecake, money porn, and blocky “romantic” banter (well, most of it) in today’s Judge Parker, but floating there in the final panel is proof that Randy’s fianceé is an original badass. That’s right — the minute she and Randy split up to evade the mystery woman in the floppy hat, CIApril confronted her and stone-cold threw her hat in the water. Final warning, too: if she stalks them even one more time, April will tell all the girls in homeroom Mystery Gal’s a total skank.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Spider-Man, 8/10/13

Say, I like the cut of this Tarantula fellow’s jib, if Tarantulas may properly be said to have jibs. Check out the jaunty mask, cut to reveal the lush facial hair sported by men of his ethnic stereotype, and the long ties in back to accentuate the manly athleticism of his superheroics. Hear his speech, formal and polite even as he applies a savage beat-down to this hapless minion. All he needs is a little guitar riff every time he shows up or someone mentions his name. Costa Verde is lucky to have this guy — I mean, look at the motley, second-rate spider-themed adventurers other nations have to put up with!

There’s a missed opportunity in today’s strip, though: the Costa Verdan’s rifle really should be going <¡PUMM!>. But I suppose Spider-Man isn’t much of a stickler for sound-effects orthodoxy, is it?

Gil Thorp, 8/10/13

For weeks, Max ‘n’ Harry Herkelshimer have been lurching from one sandwich shop to another, talking about food on those rare occasions their mouths weren’t stuffed with it. So we should be glad some wrestling action is finally on the way, I guess?

But Gil’s “plan” sounds even more half-assed than usual, if that’s even possible. Based on his insight that Max “lives in the past” or some damn thing, Gil plans to impersonate wrestler Beau Dandy to give “Herk the Mauler” one last bout before he toddles on off into that dark night. How this would do anything but disorient and terrify an actual Alzheimer’s patient is beyond me, Gil admits he’s just winging it, and Harry thinks he’s nuts. But hey — there are two weeks before the start of football season, and they’re not gonna kill themselves.

Sherman’s Lagoon, 8/10/13

It’s Shark Week, the High Holy Days of the Lagooniverse, but oops!

The Giant Squid in Sherman’s Lagoon is the polar opposite of beloved comic relief characters like Pat Brady, Scrappy Doo and Jar Jar Binks. Squid’s rare appearances in the strip signal that it’s suddenly No Joke At All. And since he’s underemployed here, I recommend putting him on tour. He could thin the supporting casts of joke-a-day strips like Hi and Lois (Dot), Beetle Bailey (Gizmo, Lt. Flap, Killer), and Luann (Delta), then go straight for the leads in Dilbert, Crock, and Get Fuzzy. His work accomplished, he could retire to Funky Winkerbean, where he could find a place downtown and work at Montoni’s. He’d fit right in.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/10/13

Hey Rachel, you living at Wally’s now? I know a squid who might be interested in renting your old place. How’s your son? Enjoying his time down the Memory Hole with Gil and Mimi Thorp’s kids? Say, I know “plucky single mom” wasn’t as much fun for you as “high school sex goddess” — but are you absolutely sure “sad-sack Wally’s foil” is the right move?

Next: Band crap!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hey, no Comments of the Week from me — look for a double dose when Josh gets back next week. But we can’t let the day pass without thanking our advertisers:

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Have a great weekend, everybody!

— Uncle Lumpy