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Herb and Jamaal, 9/5/12

I know that attempting to reason your way through the wordy, pointless setups to the limp punchlines in your typical Herb and Jamaal strip is a pointless exercise that can only lead to petulant resentment, but … damn you, Herb and Jamaal, for getting me to actually comparison-shop suspenders and belts on Amazon. FOR THE RECORD, low-end suspenders are a few dollars cheaper than low-end belts, but surely the difference isn’t enough to make a meaningful difference in Jamaal’s clothing budget. Although maybe the choice is between buying new suspenders and buying new, larger pants? ARGH I’M THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN ARGH ARGH ARGH

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/5/12

I know as someone without kids I’m not supposed to judge people’s parenting styles, but it strikes me as poor form for Snuffy to be openly gleeful that his son (or nephew? is Jughaid their nephe?) will be brutally bullied at school because of an outfit that he would rather not wear. Maybe he’s just excited that soon Jughaid will grow to loathe school, which will put him on a path to becomimg a semi-literate unemployable layabout and thus a true member of the Smith clan.

Mary Worth, 9/5/12

“In order to live a truly meaningful life, a young girl like you needs to find a husband! Have you considered calling Dave? He may be more attracted to you now that you’ve been on television!”

The Lockhorns, 9/5/12

We all know that Leroy is in constant emotional pain, because of his awful marriage, but it turns out that he’s also in constant physical pain, because he’s old and out of shape.

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The Phantom, 9/4/12

Hey, everybody, the Phantom is starting a new plot! This one’s of the type that fascinate me the most, where the strip genuinely tries to grapple with the sociopolitical realities of post-colonial Africa. In this plot, the Llongo, a tribe living in rural Bangalla, are negotiating with some businessdudes over a treasure trove of rare earth metals sitting under Llongo land. Today we learn that, like many African people, the Llongo suffered from violent attempts to expropriate their resources during the colonial era. Will the new multinational elite treat them badly in their own way? I’m guessing “yes,” since otherwise there’ll be no plot! Still, the best thing about this strip is the Phantom talking about “the law!” while putting a large book on a shelf with dozens of other volumes that look just like it, making him appear to be The Ghost-Who-Advertises-Legal-Services-On-Local-TV. No doubt he will eventually be enforcing various contract provisions and environmental regulations … with his fists.

Momma, 9/4/12

Since Francis’s predominant personality trait is sloth, we must determine how his flailing energetically about in a backyard pool fits in with his larger plans to never do any work whatsoever if he can avoid it. Does Francis believe that if he sends this photo to Michael Phelps the swimmer will invite him to become part of his posse and possibly put him in charge of bong maintenance? Or are we seeing another side of Francis’s character — the side where he wants nothing to do with Momma in non-Momma-giving-money-to-Francis contexts — and this is an attempt to appear so aggressively deranged that Momma stops hanging out with him?

Archie, 9/4/12

I thought at first that Jughead looked so pissed in the final panel because of his contempt for low-calorie foodstuffs, but then I decided that he rightfully believes that the terrible sub-pun he’s being forced to recite is beneath even his dignity.

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Family Circus and Dennis the Menace, 9/3/12

Happy Labor Day, everybody! Let’s all celebrate the prosperity of the American worker, which has allowed the children of the American worker to become whiny, entitled brats who can only say “gimmie gimmie gimmie.” Looks like a century of child labor laws have had negative social consequences after all! Let’s get Dennis and Billy to work in a glove factory stat and shut their greed-holes with good, honest manual labor at 50 cents an hour.

Gasoline Alley, 9/3/12

Gasoline Alley traditionally celebrates Labor Day by eschewing its usual inane plots for elaborate drawings of chain-link fences. Today’s strip contains a shocking innovation, however: acknowledgement that a so-called “Internet” exists, and that Gasoline Alley strips can be found there. Given the no-doubt extensive overlap between people who still pay for print newspaper subscriptions and people who faithfully read Gasoline Alley in the newspaper because they are unaware of other alternatives, this seems like a poor business decision.

Archie, 9/3/12

Today’s Archie may be telling us that in times of idleness we desire business and vice-versa, so that we are never truly at ease; it may be making a larger point that the things we desire will never be as sweet as we imagine; or it may be more specific, showing us that Archie himself cannot stand to spend quiet time with himself without confronting his own essential emptiness. This is pretty heavy stuff, particularly for Reggie, whose own obnoxious egotism has largely shielded him from any kind of depressing introspection.

Marmaduke, 9/3/12

Don’t be alarmed, Dottie! Like you, Marmaduke is “watching his weight.” Specifically, he needs to regulate the amount of human flesh-meat he consumes in order to be as svelte a hell-demon as he can be. So even if that number is a little higher than you’d like, be glad, because your extra pounds are all that stand between you and gory annihilation.