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Thanks to all who have sponsored my novel so far! If you haven’t already, do check out that sample chapter to see if you’d be interested!

Spider-Man, 7/12/12

There are several reasons why I’m boycotting the new Amazing Spider-Man movie. (Remember kids, when you’re an Important Public Figure like me, “don’t feel like seeing” becomes “boycotting.”) For one thing, the first installment of the Sam Raimi-directed series came out when I was a gainfully employed adult, which means that it couldn’t have been long ago enough for a reboot, because what, do I look old to you? Do I?? But, more importantly, the new movie is, for incomprehensible reasons, completely J. Jonah Jameson-free. Maybe it’s because the filmmakers decided that nobody could top J.K. Simmons’ interpretation of the character, or maybe it’s because they’re morons, because J. Jonah Jameson is the best thing about the Spideyverse and even his ill-drawn newspaper version is hilarious. Is he “raising the roof” to signify his grudging concession of a living wage to his freelancers in panel two? Haha, JJJ FOREVER. If you miss him in the movies, you can follow him on Twitter.

Dennis the Menace, 7/12/12

Whoa, let’s not be hasty, Dennis. How do you know he’s not both? Are you saying that vampires lack the sense of impartiality and fair play necessary to be good umpires? Prejudice is the real menace in today’s society, Dennis.

Apartment 3-G, 7/12/12

That weird white quarter-circle at the bottom of panel two — that’s … that’s supposed to be Nina’s ass, isn’t it? You know, if you find yourself troubled by unwanted erotic thoughts about extremely pregnant women and would like to put a stop to them using aversion therapy, today’s Apartment 3-G would be a great place to start.

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On the Comics Curmudgeon’s 8th blogiversary, I have a couple of quick notes on my planned novel. First, THANK YOU! My Kickstarter reached its goal in the first 24 hours it was up, and has already raised much more money than any fundraiser I’ve ever done. The book will still be better — better edited, better designed, and better written — if I get more pre-orders, and you get a more physically pleasing version of the book if you pre-order, so please do check it out.

Second, you might note that some of the high-end rewards I’ve offered involve me travelling to your home town to participate in a book party. These look pricey, but aren’t so much if you split the costs among many party guests! If you’re interested in hosting, email me and tell me where you live, and I’ll try to connect you with others nearby.

Blondie, 7/11/12

Mr. Dithers is violating any number of employee protection laws, but it’s almost certainly worth it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/11/12

Sorry, Rex, Iris hasn’t understood a word you said since she heard the telltale sound of a corkscrew opening, because she’s been so very focused on staring intently at the delicious, delicious wine.

Luann, 7/11/12

When Luann’s mom was a teen, “heavy face time” was the name for a deadly plague that caused people’s faces to fill with pus and swell up painfully, so you can understand why she looks so upset.

Beetle Bailey, 7/11/12

I feel bad for constantly making fun of General Halftrack’s alcoholism and erratic behavior now that I know that he suffers from terrible PTSD.

Family Circus, 7/11/12

Sam the dog looks beseechingly at the sky, wondering why the ancient Thunder God gave Jeffy enough warning to successfully escape the terrible electric death prepared for him.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/11/12

Herb’s attempts to live out his philosophy of non-violence as a youth failed to make him a better person, and instead have left him a bitter, frustrated adult, consumed by thoughts of revenge.

Six Chix, 7/11/12

This nice scientist has grown a baby in a lab, raising any number of disturbing ethical questions.

Marmaduke, 7/11/12

Someone gave Marmaduke a bag of corn chips.

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If you’ve always loved my blog, but want it in novel form, and also (mostly) not making fun of comics but rather with a plot, then please consider sponsoring my novel!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/10/12

I’m putting both yesterday and today’s Snuffy Smith up there to demonstrate that they’re both basically the same joke, which … I’m OK with? There’s something charmingly vaudevillian about having Parson Tuttle continuously lob the same opening to Lureen and seeing her bat “I’m so lonely and desp’rate!” punchlines back to him. Maybe they’ll keep it up all week! Or maybe tomorrow the Parson will stop hinting and just come out and say that he wants her to recruit men for the choir by going out and having sex with them.

Apartment 3-G, 7/10/12

Haha, will I ever get tired of Nina suffering and turning her physical pain and rage on anyone who gets too close? No, the answer is no. “You’d better be telling the truth! I know medical professionals lie to patients constantly. I know you’re a dirty liar! If you make me get into this awkward position and it doesn’t help, I will destroy you, Tommie, do you hear? I have connections! I’ll get your apartment building condemned and your nursing license taken away and have everyone in your family killed! Then I’ll strangle you, but I wanted to do that other stuff first to show that I’m in earnest here. And I’ll do it all using the rage-strength I gain during a single contraction!”

Funky Winkerbean, 7/10/12

Is Funky Winkerbean really going to make us worry about whether this kitten dies on the way up, or possibly down, Kilimanjaro? All signs point to yes! To be fair, the readership is wholly indifferent about the death of any the human characters, so dramatic tension has to be maintained somehow.

Crock, 7/10/12

So wait, Crock‘s done now, right? These are repeats? Enh, whatever, it keeps showing up in my online comics page, so I guess if I can rag on Archie reruns from the 1990s I can make fun of this. Anyway, today’s strip is about Trooper Benson, who was hit by artillery shells during combat and died screaming in agony.

Ziggy, 7/10/12

Despite all of the foregoing, nothing in today’s comics has discombobulated me more than discovering that Ziggy’s cat is a lady.