Post Content

Judge Parker, 5/7/08

Hey, kids, welcome to Judge Parker, where nothing ever happens for months and months and months, but when it happens, it really happens! A sexy (admittedly, we can’t see her face, but this being Judge Parker, “sexy” is a good bet) lady terrorist hell-bent on revenge! A cancer-ridden old lady in a wheelchair transformed into an unwilling human bomb! A battle royal between an enraged woman and an ex-Navy SEAL with no legs! Enjoy your next several days of thrilling action before we get back to the boring. In panel two, Momma Steve’s creepy, flesh-colored gag makes her look like some kind of mouthless horror, which hopefully indicates that the denouement of this story will be as deviant as the one in this strip’s pervy trip to France.

Crock, 5/7/08

I’m sort of charmed by the phrase “marked-down polyester from Wal-Mart,” which implies that you can go into the world’s largest retailer and buy great bolts of cloth to take home to your wife, who will sew them into the clothes for you and your children. It reads like it’s been written by someone who’s heard second-hand about developments in retail since the 19th century, but has never actually been in a store per se.

Update: Uh, apparently you can buy fabric at Wal-Mart with which to make your own clothes, like they did in olden days. Ha ha! Josh is a moron!

Ziggy, 5/7/08

Ziggy is so sad and lonely that he’s turned to the bottle; but, far from forgetting his problems, in his drunken state he’s become even more maudlin, and is now just sitting at the table by himself weeping openly. The waiter, profoundly unsettled by the raw emotional pain on display, covers up his discomfort by cracking wise.

Post Content

Mark Trail, 5/6/08

Ah, Andy! The best friend a guy like Mark Trail could have! And how are you repaid for your years of faithful service in note-carrying and sex prevention and the like? By being used as bait to lure cynical dognappers into range of Mark’s Fist o’ Justice. The poor dog’s even been kidnapped before, but that doesn’t stop his callous owner from subjecting him to further trauma. Sure, Mark’s “newspaper friends” have been talked into throwing aside their journalistic principles and writing a fake story to perpetrate this sting, but they’re not being asked to put their life on the line. I love that Mark is carefully explaining everything to Andy, as if the dog speaks English and this somehow counts as getting his informed consent for the operation. He might as well just be saying what he’s really thinking, which is “HA HA, THERE ARE MORE ST. BERNARDS AT THE SHELTER WHERE YOU CAME FROM, ANDY!”

Gil Thorp, 5/6/08

That’s right, Andrew, it’s time to “unleash that slider”, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. But just in case you don’t, what I mean is that you should drop your pants and expose your genitals to the batter. Here, I’m using “slider” as a double-entendre: though it’s the legitimate name of a style of pitch, it could also, with some imagination, be thought of as a nickname for a penis. Which I think you should show to the opposite team, which would be shocking and amusing. I hope we’re clear on this.

Post Content

Monday has rolled around again, which means it’s time … for the comment of the week.

“I heartily endorse the mostly naked Rex and June. This was the best strip of the storyline. I don’t need to see the rest of the storyline to know that my statement will remain true forever.” –Mrs. Buck Tuddrussell

And the runners-up!

“I hope this means that Marvin killed everyone else in the strip and is going to now starve to death himself.” –Cheeky Wee Monkeys

“Lemme guess: John does new orthodontia on Fridays, but reprints 29-year-old orthodontia the rest of the week, right?” –Mibbitmaker

“Didn’t you get the memo? Each and every comic strip storyline must somehow fulfill the ‘Beauty and the Geek’ straight male fantasy. Say what you will about Cathy, but at least Irving was deep enough to find the inner beauty in a women with an anus for a mouth and no nose.” –insolenttomato

“Ted, oh Ted! Leave Sally and run away with me! I have a convertible and a giant box of Lego!” –TaxiGirl

“As a member of the underrepresented demographic known as ‘female geeks’ and the wife of a geek, I wish I could join in on chiding Luann for not appreciating Gunther and his talents (all of which require skill, artistry, and style) just because he doesn’t get greasy and sweaty doing them. However, every time I look into Gunther’s beady, soulless black eyes, I just want to run away screaming.” –TheDiva

“You’ve done a week’s work in one day! That’s what we in the biz call ‘malpractice.'” –teddytoad

“Constantly broadcasting the fact that the curator of your first show is your boyfriend may not be the best way to establish your bona fides as an artist, even if you don’t get into the fact that he’s a drunken pity hire by a gallery owner who’s dating your publicist/roommate/frenemy.” –SecretMargo

“This pizza magazine cover storyline is dragging on way too long. Can we get back to killing people, please?” –cheech wizard

“Holy cats! I just had a flash of insight! Lu Ann is going to have sex relations with Jack and Alan is going to buy some meth from that beatnik guy and they’re both going to betray each other. There will be a whole big thing where they’re both eaten up by guilt until one of them comes clean. Then there will be another big thing as the other one acts all high and mighty until he or she realizes that their own betrayal was just as bad and comes clean and there will be a big tearful scene. Then they’ll get back together and engage in erotic asphyxiation, which is the only way Alan can have an orgasm. All the signs are there.” –Bryan

“You know you’re a plugger when you take your sponge-bath from a used giant KFC chicken tub.” –Harry Paratestes

“I’m convinced that in the A3G universe, wealth is not measured by how much money you have, but by how motherfucking green it is. That’s why Jones doesn’t have to count the bills to know Alan’s loaded. This is helpful, as Jones must think that math is a huge bummer, right up there with gainful employment and non-absurd facial hair.” –RaJ

“If Sturdivant becomes the Ned Beatty of comicdom the strip should be renamed ‘Vaseline Alley.'” –Stroker Ace

“No, sexual fantasies based on the Ghost-Who-Haunts-Wet-Dreams are a longstanding tradition, but the men had the good sense to keep their damn mouths shut about it.” –The Photocopiest

On whether this plate can be eaten off of: “If you decide to take a chance and use the plate, you might want to test the scratch-resistance of the decoration with a butter knife before putting any food on it, to avoid unsightly mishaps. You might, for example, attempt to scratch Xs over little Jeffy’s eyes, or a pentagram on Billy’s forehead … that way, even if the paint does come off, the artistic integrity of the work won’t be compromised.” –Trilobite

“That For Better Or For Worse enraged me for reasons I cannot begin to vocalize. Ignoring the kid isn’t so bad. Ignoring the kid and making me waste ten panels of my life reading it, that’s unforgivable. Here’s my suggestion for a replacement. Panels one and two: throwaway gag involving Meredith trying to stick a fork in a power outlet. Panel three: Meredith (or whatever her name is): ‘Daddy, will you pay attention to me?’ Panel four: Michael: ‘No. I hate you and wish you were never born. Now let me write my Snape/Bellatrix fanfic in peace.’ Panels five through ten: Meredith quietly sobbing in a corner.” –Plasma

“Oh, of course he should try it. Because, as everyone knows, the biggest concern of drug dealers is the quality of their product. Alan’s going to be the first dope pusher in the city to earn his ISO-9000.” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

And hey, I want to give a big holler to everyone who’s put some money in my tip jar. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Our advertisers must come in for thanks as well, too:

• Don’t miss the adventure! More than an ordinary tale about an elf! Chessie — who’s got a really cute dog — straddles two worlds: the human and the undiscovered world of elves. Read how Chessie discovers her magical powers, deals with dangers, and triumphs.
• The quest starts here: The quest holds many mysteries. You will find them well-protected. Great rewards are possible for the clever, the keen and the fearless. But be warned, the secrets of the triangle will not come easy. Join if you dare. Many will try. One will succeed.
• The world-famous laugh factory: A fixture on Hollywood’s Sunset Strip for 28 years! All the legends of modern standup comedy have graced our stage, including Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Carrey, Chris Rock, Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Paul Rodriguez, Dave Chappelle, George Lopez, and more.

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here. And hey, did you know that the coveted top spot is available? Guarantee yourself a slot at the top of the left-hand nav bar by clicking here!