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Gil Thorp, 3/18/08

OK, ever since the Gil Thorp artist change, I’ve been able to accept that the vaguely flat-topped Robert Mitchum lookalike in the COACH sweatshirt is supposed to be Gil. But you will never, never convince me that the skinny, brush-cut dude in the COACH sweatshirt in panel two is Assistant Coach Kaz. Never, you hear me? Where’s the classic Heat Miser ‘do? The pearl earrings? The hairy forearms and brutish fists? This is a travesty beyond imagining.

Oh, also, Andrew and his little siblings are about to be put into foster care because “the man” says that it’s not OK for children to raise themselves. Presumably the Gil and Kaz stand-ins will cook up some web of lies that will prevent the sinister social services fascists from caring for the kids’ well-being; perhaps it will involve convincing them that Andrew’s “teenage” friends in panel three are actually his 35-year-old aunts, which from the looks of it shouldn’t be hard.

Apartment 3-G, 3/18/08

Margo is no doubt backstage chewing her single glove in rage and frustration as Lu Ann wastes her coveted Girl Talk slot by blathering on all moon-eyed about how swell her talentless junkie boyfriend is. Still, it’s really Margo’s own fault for trusting her air-headed roommate to go on TV without careful coaching. And for using Lu Ann’s embarrassing carbon monoxide poisoning as the selling point for her bland art in the first place. When things go spectacularly wrong, it’s usually a safe bet to blame it on Margo’s desperate scheming, is what I’m trying to say.

Mary Worth, 3/18/08

“For the moment, the mutant super-breath power we shared was a secret between the two of us. But we knew that someday, it would be the instrument of our revenge against a world that had been cruel to us for too long.”

Pluggers, 3/18/08

Pluggers are subject from birth to relentless propaganda and conditioning, so that by the time they’re eight, they suffer from crippling nostalgia for a world they never knew.

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Let’s wrap up our Monday-night catch-up blogging with the comment of the week!

“Wow, winning the game on a last-second 25-foot shot will be a nice memory next year as Summer lies on her deathbed.” –rhymes with puck

And the runners-up

“I think hating Deanna is overkill. Life already hates Deanna. She’s married to Michael and has two irredeemable brats/poop machines. That’s certainly punishment enough.” –Gagott68

“Yes, Toby, things are not always as they seem. For example, I appear to have my sensible salmon-colored blazer zipped up to my neck, which I have wrapped in a lovely coordinating ascot, but–voila!–presto-chango, as you can see, my blazer has lapels, and doesn’t even have a zipper! How does she do it, you ask? I’ll never tell, ha-ha! I am Mary Worth, woman of mystery!” –Pepperoni Détournées (formerly Herro!)

“By the time Mary Worth actually gets around to this flashback, it’ll be a flashback to the beginning of this flashback intro.” –monsieurjohn

“In my pharmacology class, we’re studying cardiac drugs. Every time I read the word ‘aldosterone’ I cry a little.” –Loopina

“What excellent, precise grammar Anthony is using today. Whomever, whom. It somehow makes me want to punch him more. The boy’s got no dangling participles at all.” –Isua

“Mary, you seem so changeless! Like you’ve always been 60 years old, humorless, and ready to meddle. I can’t picture you laughing, loving, or having fun in any way!” –Mountain Mama

“After cancer, it’s debilitating injury time! Definitely an upper, what with all the painkillers involved.” –Niall

Re: “I’m probably not going to hear the end of this”: “I should say not, considering you just slipped on your eighty-year-old ass in the middle of an icy walkway in the dead of night without anyone else in sight to rush to your aide and with you surely being too delicate and feeble to get yourself up. Indeed, it seems doubtful that you’ll even get to hear the beginning of it.” –BenG

“Seriously, I think her life today is more depressing than her childhood could have ever been: living alone in her apartment that smells of stale casserole and despair, loathing all of humanity, maintaining a phony and completely joyless ‘relationship’ with Dr. Jeff, having to hang out with Toby and Ian, unable to commit to even having a pet … I’m just saying, no one would blame Mary if she started taking nips off of the cooking sherry at 6:30 in the morning.” –Trilobite

“I think you are overestimating Toby’s boredom listening to Mary drone on. This is a woman who is married to Chinbeard, after all. Dealing with monumental boredom is a cherished aspect of her life.” –rhymes with puck

“If the proposal is any indication, the wedding video could be marketed as the best sleep aid ever.” –Farley’s Revenge

“Luann: In the March 13 installment, we find out the fire cap’n is gay. This is the most exciting thing to happen in Luann ever! It’s the ONLY thing to happen in Luann ever!” –Lisa (not the dead one)

“Spider-man: Drive on, Persuader! Follow the signs marked ‘Plot.'” –Inspector Dim

“In all her excitement, Liz is forgetting that she’s supposed to wait until AFTER she’s impregnated to devour her mate.” –cheech wizard

“They’re not kissing each other. They’re hugging chastely. On the other hand, if they did kiss each other, I’d have to tear the brooch off the corpse of my mother and blind myself with it. So all in all I’m pretty happy with the way it’s turning out.” –Kate

“Wait, I’m confused. Is Rex’s daughter supposed to be pre-kindergarten? If so, why does she appear to be about 27 years old in panel two? And in panel three it looks as though Rex is trying to figure out the same thing.” –Electro

“It’s never too early to start filling a tiny child with anxiety about his cholesterol level. Hope you don’t like ice cream, kid!” –BigTed

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The Lockhorns and Marvin, 3/17/08

Usually, St. Patrick’s Day is considered a festive occasion, a celebration of Irish heritage, the extermination of paganism, and binge drinking. But two cartoons dared to use the day to explore the holiday’s darker side. For instance, what’s the origin of the myth of the leprechaun? Folklore experts will tell you that they’re the memory of the gods the Irish worshiped before St. Patrick came and made them all Christians, but the Lockhorns seems to indicate that perhaps their supposed gold-hoarding ways are a product of pure desperation. Loretta, staring glumly at the small piece of paper that says so much about financial ruin and public shame and prison, is so desperate for a way out that she latches onto the idea of tiny, imaginary spirit beings that can solve all their problems. Leroy, just as glum but still in touch with reality, can only look on in pained silence.

Meanwhile, an unimpressed Marvin has actually encountered one of the little Celtic sprites in the flesh, and boy, is he ever failing to live up to their reputation as adorable, happy-go-lucky creatures. His elfin visage instead tells a tale of depression and despair. I’m not sure if he never emotionally recovered from watching thousands of his countrymen die during the Hunger, while he, immortal and half-forgotten, could do nothing, or if he was interned for years without trial at Long Kesh by the Brits as a suspected IRA man, but he looks like he’s about to slit his tiny, pixie-like wrists.

Dick Tracy, 3/17/08

Man, it’s too bad that goth kids don’t as a rule read Dick Tracy, because “So you think I’m ugly? What’s really ugly is you for not knowing the world is spinning into degradation” would make a sweet yearbook quote.

Momma, 3/17/08

I’m pretty sure that Momma and her friend are having a thinly veiled discussion about their sons’ penises.