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Mary Worth, 8/18/06

The scariest thing about this strip is that, in panel two, Mary’s eyes actually do sort of seem to be saying … well, if not “Yes,” then at least “Maybe.” As in, “Maybe I should give this guy a chance. Jeff’s away, and I never really promised him anything … and Aldo really does seem like he’d be quite the devoted type … not always running off to crazy Oriental countries on barely a day’s notice … and it has been a while since I’ve had a good mustache ride…”

Uh. I’m stopping this rumination right here, in the name of all that is decent. Let us never speak of this again.

Mark Trail, 8/18/06

Well, this is certainly a disturbing surprise. I have to say that if you had asked me two weeks ago, “What Mark Trail character will cause a truck to fly off a cliff because she was trying to put her tongue in someone else’s mouth?” I would have had to have said Kelly. After the car wreck, I’m sure Molly will stare mournfully at the mortally wounded Buck for a few minutes before she starts eating him.

B.C., 8/18/06

No, you’ve got it backwards: Wal-Mart will be leveling this vista in order to build four new Wal-Marts.

Dick Tracy, 8/18/06

Blasted Al Kinda! He’s already violated the laws of the United States and human decency; now, even in death, he’s managed to violate the laws of physics. Seriously, I’d love for someone to explain to me how he ended up under that flag.

For Better Or For Worse, 8/18/06

Everyone who thinks that April is going to be experiencing “nature’s most amazing miracle” the hard way before she turns 18, raise your hand.

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Say, have you ever wanted to watch Aldo stalk Mary Worth to the wacky tune of that music from Benny Hill? Thanks to YouTube, now you can!

And say, have you ever wondered what it would be like if Mary had her own blog, which she updated in between bouts of meddling? Well now, thanks to Blogger, you no longer need to wonder!

This is all starting to freak me out just a little bit.

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Crankshaft, 8/17/06

All right, Crankshaft. Do you want to be hardcore? I mean, the way the Lockhorns is hardcore, with an unrelenting focus on the unlikability of your title character? I sometimes get the feeling that you do, but you so often chicken out, with humanizing anecdotes about Crankshaft’s childhood or glimpses into his supposed soft side or mild jokes told by scantily clad girls. You’ve got to jettison all of that. Instead, every day should be like today. Panel one: Crankshaft is presented with an opportunity, at virtually no cost to himself, to perform some small act of human kindness. Panel two: Crankshaft declines to take said opportunity. Boom, boom. Hardcore.

Six Chix, 8/17/06

OK, Six Chix using the same joke as They’ll Do It Every Time was probably a coincidence. But here they’re using the patented TDIET format. Should Al Scaduto sit idly by and let them rip him off? No way! He needs to respond in the harshest way possible! No, not a lawsuit — with an angry cartoon!

Howzzat again? “Libby” and five of her friends say they’re going to create a new kind of comic strip … real “fresh,” yuh see…

…but when they run out of ideas … well, uh … guess whose playbook they’re poaching from?

Oh yeah!