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Comics archive! Lockhorns

The Berkes’ lecture hits its emotional peak; torches and pitchforks are distributed

Apartment 3-G, 8/22/15

I just want to emphasize, again, that the Tibetan storyline being spottily rehashed here ran six years ago, long enough that most non-obsessive readers have probably forgotten and/or died, and so you really have to wonder what someone who has no idea what’s going on would make of “The Tibetan nuns saved my life, Tim. Imagine Margo’s pain!” Though, honestly, who couldn’t imagine Margo’s pain as a bunch of non-Margo ladies try to muscle in on her man? Vows of chastity, shmows of chastity; only Margo gets to nurse Margo’s almost-fiance back to health, capisce?

The Lockhorns, 8/22/15

Loretta sure has been talking a lot about the end of human civilization lately, and really, who can blame her? Obviously she and Leroy haven’t been able to muster the strength to end their awful hell-marriage, but maybe, just maybe, an apocalyptic event will do the work for them. Today she imagines the Machines who will replace us: a cleaner, better race, not causing each other endless pain with twisted, malformed emotions. They have no ability to love, but no ability to twist love around into hate, either.

Wizard of Id, 8/22/15

This might seem awful petty on the King’s part, but remember, Jesus once smote a tree that annoyed him, so it’s not like there isn’t precedent. Sorry trees! It’s open season on trees!

Mary Worth, 8/22/15

The only thing dumber than sitting right up front at your boss’s endless lecture when you might have to sneak out before he’s done is sitting right up front at your boss’s endless lecture and staring at your watch with an expression of really theatrical irritation.

How will Milford screw up its chance at a repeat? SO EXCITED GUYS

Gil Thorp, 7/16/15

Huh, for some reason I had thought football phenom True Standish was a senior, and had just blown into town to help Milford win the Valley Conference title trophy, aka “the Golden Cock,” before graduating to become a backup quarterback at a second-tier Big Ten school for the next three years. But it looks like we’ve got another year of his laid-back, good-natured antics to go! Today I mostly like the way True’s less-talented teammates are laughing it up in panel two. “Ha ha, you’ll be courted by important people who can advance your career, while we’ll hang out here drinking off-brand soda and watching other people jet-ski! High five!”

B.C., 7/16/15

The idea that our beloved (?) B.C. characters comprise the entirety of a tiny, isolated band of hunter-gatherers is probably the most accurate depiction of paleolithic humanity in this strip to date. Here’s hoping the accuracy continues and we get a good look at what happens when power relations in a society without organized political structures shift: fratricidal violence.

Mary Worth, 7/16/15

Oh, OK, maybe this will be the drama behind this mysteriously still ongoing Mary Worth storyline: Adam is psyched to be working with Terry, while Terry is only kind of enh about it! This strip can squeeze another three to five weeks out of that for sure.

The Lockhorns, 7/16/15

One of the main appeals of zombie apocalypse fiction — of apocalypse fiction of all types, really — is this: that though the world depicted is one suffering from terrible trauma, it’s also one where the constraints of our current lives have suddenly been swept away. In all likelihood you’d be killed in the opening hours of the plague or uprising, of course, but there’s a visceral thrill in imagining yourself in a new situation, with your boring money troubles and domestic squabbles vanished along with the restraints of traditional social morality. But the Lockhorns are so dead inside that even this mental escape is impossible for them. They know they live in the worst of all possible worlds, and that this is the only one there is.

Pluggers, 7/16/15

You’re a plugger if you’re extremely careful to respect the trademark rights of patriotic American companies like Johnson & Johnson, but the French communists who run Chanel can go fuck themselves.

“Fore”-play, ha ha, get it, it’s about golf

Crankshaft, 7/13/15

Golf is one of those things that I simply don’t get. I don’t get the appeal of watching it or playing it. Which is fine! I certainly don’t object to anyone else enjoying themselves watching or playing it. It’s just one of those things, like S&M and Mad Men, that I’m happy so many people derive enjoyment from but that isn’t for me.

The somewhat irritating thing, though, is that, unlike S&M (but like Mad Men), a lot of people who are into golf think that everyone is into golf, that golf is a universal cultural touchstone, and that anyone who isn’t into golf is weird or suspicious. This is certainly true of syndicated newspaper comics, where golf jokes abound and presumably sail over the head of most of the children who are the ostensible targets for a lot of comics, along with non-golf-mad adults like me.

This is an overly wordy way for me to set up the fact that it took me a while to remember, based on my one or two visits to actual golf courses, that those big white spheroids are things that mark where you’re supposed to tee off or something, and the joke is that Crankshaft needs new glasses. I’m still not sure about this, actually, because I can’t figure out what to Google other than “big white spheroids that mark where you’re supposed to tee off” and that’s not producing useful results, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. But before I figured that out I was a pretty baffled as to (a) what was going on and (b) what “prescription” Crankshaft’s friend was talking about. Was it a metaphor for … testicles? Does Crankshaft need a new prescription because his testicles are all swole up, and about to hurt like someone just hit them with a golf club? Is this an old man thing? Is this what I have to look forward to as I age, testicle-wise? You can see why I’m pretty invested in the interpretation of the joke I eventually settled on.

Beetle Bailey, 7/13/15

With gay people now allowed to serve openly in America’s military, the transgressive thrill is gone from Beetle and Sarge’s relationship, and Beetle has moved on to something new that makes him feel sexy and dangerous: bed-fucking.

Family Circus, 7/13/15

I don’t know what I find funnier here: how irritated Big Daddy Keane looks or how smug Billy looks. You kids won’t be smirking once your dad narcs you out to LucasFilm and you find yourself on the receiving end of a massive trademark infringement lawsuit!

Herb and Jamaal, 7/13/15

Life is violent and uncertain! You could die horribly at any moment! Why not reveal your repressed erotic feelings to the ones you love the most? There’s no time left to lose!

Lockhorns, 7/13/15

Please tell me there’s literally a line of greeting cards you can send to your enemies where you wish the eternal damnation of divine punishment upon them! “Some theologians say that the true torture in hell is separation from God/ Well here’s God/ and here’s you/ Look how far away you are/ Writhe in the eternal darkness/ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”

Marvin, 7/13/15

I was going to question the credentials of a doctor who goes around wearing bunny ears, but this guy seems to believe that Marvin has a severe and possibly fatal medical condition, so let’s hear what he has to say!