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Hello everybody! Welcome back to the Comics Curmudgeon, your #1 blogging website for syndicated newspaper commentary! How was your holiday experience over the past week or so?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/25/21

Did you manage to arrange your facial features to indicate some modicum of holiday cheer, like June and the Morgan children, or did you spend the whole time looking like you wanted to die, like Rex?

Dick Tracy, 12/25/21

Did you spend Christmas cuddling on the couch with a loved one, like Dick Tracy, or were you shivering out in the cold staring jealously at the righteous, like a bunch of deformed criminals?

Mary Worth, 12/25/21

Did you get that special gift you had been waiting for all year? In Dr. Jeff’s case, that gift was his one (1) allotted annual open-mouth kiss from Mary Worth.

Anyway, let’s do our annual roundup of what the soap and soap-adjacent strips got up to in my absence!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/26/21

We’re all looking for some good news for 2022 and it looks like we got it with the return of … Rene the art forger, baby!!!!

That’s right, everybody! Rene might do fake art and new age spirituality and COVID cures, but the love for him in our hearts isn’t fraudulent at all. It’s very real!

Gasoline Alley, 12/27/21

Oh, wow it looks like Hollywood — or [squints at kerning in headline] “Holly Wood” — is coming to Gasoline Alley! Will this turn out to be interesting? No, it won’t, and we won’t be revisiting the subject in this post.

Mary Worth, 12/27/21

DECEMBER 27, 2021: Syndicated comic strip Mary Worth reveals that Wilbur Weston will be taking a cruise.

DECEMBER 30, 2021: The CDC advises everyone to avoid cruise ships.

COINCIDENCE???? WE THINK NOT!!!

Gil Thorp, 12/28/21

Over in Gil Thorp, it looks like the Valley Conference’s refs are taking a “kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out” attitude towards calling fouls this season. Looking forward to a winter and spring of basketball carnage!

Mary Worth, 12/28/21

“Good luck, Estelle! I say that with total and complete sincerity. You are absolutely going to need it!”

Mary Worth, 12/29/21

“You’re not inconveniencing me! Jeff won’t be able to come over due to his allergies, which I don’t consider an inconvenience at all! Quite the opposite, in fact!”

Curtis, 12/29/21

Oh hell yes, Curtis is delivering another Kwanzaa tale for us this year! We all of course remember previous fables, which involved bat-winged bears and telepathic otters and trunkless elephants and creepy masks and, uh, social media. Anyway, this year’s story involves a girl in a drought-stricken village who has discovered a magical source of infinite water. The villagers who are mad that she’s hoarding all the water for herself are apparently the bad guys in this situation?

Dick Tracy, 12/30/21

Hey, remember the lady who didn’t want to manage an escort service? Well, Liz is pretending to be her, and is going to learn the ins and outs of managing an escort service, everything from recruiting sex workers to keeping detailed records of their financial transactions! The goal is to combine boredom and titillation into a new and hitherto unexplored emotion, which I think is a really innovative thing to do in the comics.

Mary Worth, 12/30/21

“Let’s do it, Wilbur! I’m just going to keep shouting things at the top of my lungs to convince myself that I want to do them! Fake it till you feel it, baby!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/31/21

An actually interesting Rex Morgan medical plot would be a deep dive into how narratively convenient amnesia works, biologically and psychologically! And if the Morgans are utterly ruined financially in the proces, I won’t complain one bit.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/1/22

Funky Winkerbean is doing a supposedly heartwarming storyline about Harry Dinkle getting to march in the Rose Bowl Parade with a bunch of other retired band directors. Anyway, I know I spent a lot of time during the Great Los Angeles Fire plot complaining about this strip’s wild misunderstanding of Southern California geography, but that doesn’t mean I want a dry recitation of various Pasadena intersections, either.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/2/22

God damn, he’s doing a whole press conference, you absolutely love to see it. I particularly appreciate the hand gesture he’s flashing in the next to last panel. “I want three million dollars. My left index finger represents one million dollars, and the three raised fingers on my right hand represent that I want three of those one million dollar units.”

Dick Tracy, 1/3/22

Ha ha, did I say that boredom was going to be leavening the titillation in this Dick Tracy storyline? How wrong I was! I’m not sure exactly who’s hitting on who here, but it’s all extremely erotic.

Hi and Lois, 1/3/22

Is Hi and Lois a soap opera strip? No. Do I feel compelled to show you today’s installment, just to let you know that Lois has absolutely given up on 2022 less than 72 hours into it? Very much yes!

Mary Worth, 1/3/22

But we haven’t given up on the year yet, and why would be, with wonders such as “Wilbur has a manic episode and makes an extremely ill-advised marriage proposal” to come? I will be comics blogging this year and every subsequent year as long as I have strength in my body, so thank all of you for coming along for the ride!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/11/21

GTV8 ANCHOR BRYCE NEWMARK: Tonight’s top story: One local big sister, previously believed to be “basically OK,” has now been discovered to be “a big ol’ jerk.” Chad?

REPORTER CHAD HARRINGTON: That’s correct, Bryce. Sources on the ground have determined that this elder sibling, far from being “all right I guess” or even just “whatever,” is in fact “a big ol’ jerk.” We’re probing more deeply into this story and will keep you appraised of developments

NEWMARK: Is it possible that the big sister question is actually “a total doody head”?

HARRINGTON: We don’t have any solid information on that point yet. But a lot of our sources are definitely pointing in that direction.

NEWMARK: Say, wasn’t there something involving a comic book about a police cat in this story somewhere?

HARRINGTON: Maybe, but literally who cares!

[EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO LAUGHS]

Gasoline Alley, 12/11/21

Look, I don’t feel like explaining what’s happening in Gasoline Alley and you frankly don’t want to sit through the explanation, but just trust me when I say that the sudden presence of a sinister, grinning talking doll that says things like “Where do you want to go?” and “What’s the hold up?” when innocent children get nervous about the promise to transport them across time and space via dark magic came very much out of nowhere and I am here for it.

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Funky Winkerbean, 11/25/21

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! If you’re looking for something to be thankful for, maybe you should give thanks that you don’t have Funky Winkerbean’s entire family showing up at your front door and explaining to you who they all are, for some reason, as if it were very vital for readers at home to get a full accounting. I have to wonder if the Funky team has forgotten that Mort, the sex creep in Harry’s band full of old people, is supposed to be the same person as Morton, Funky’s dad? The band member in this month’s “Mort from Harry’s band is horny for Lillian” sequence sure looks like Funky’s dad in the “Funky’s dad is horny for Holly’s mom” sequence from December 2018:

And maybe it’s just the angle, but Funky’s dad’s head looks pretty differently shaped today? Plus why would Funky feel like he has to introduce his dad to Harry, since his dad is in Harry’s band? I guess it’s possible that, having put his dad in a home specifically so he could think about the old man as little as possible, Funky has not bothered to keep up at all with his dad’s hobbies or activities.

Gasoline Alley, 11/25/18

Gasoline Alley also went in for a crowd scene, but in a way that is frankly a lot less tasking for me. Do I recognize these people as mostly Gasoline Alley characters? Yes. Could I name them? Some, but definitely not all. Does the strip insist on telling me what they’re all named, because it’s a good bet that I’ve forgotten and it wants me to double down on remembering them? No, it doesn’t, and I appreciate that.

The Lockhorns, 11/25/18

Speaking of things I’m thankful for, I remain thankful for the acidic purity of The Lockhorns. A lesser strip would depict a character burning furniture for heat, whereas this one depicts a character burning furniture out of spite.