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Mary Worth, 4/21/20

OK, I’m sorry, I hereby declare Hugo a fake French geek boy. Sure, one minute he’s sneering at America’s finest Broadway offerings, but the next he’s shouting “Gosh! I’m looking at a very big city from very high up!” like a rube from the sticks, when he should be sneering about how the Eiffel Tower is infinitely more daring aesthetically than this bland, glass-plated contemporary monolith. Say what you will about Jared being a Star Wars-addled nerdlinger, but at least he fully commits to the bit.

Gasoline Alley, 4/21/20

Ah, a song specifically about how urban modernity is more attractive both culturally and economically to most people than agricultural life! This is a great choice for a campaign theme, just not for the reasons they think.

Hi and Lois, 4/21/20

Hey, have you been wondering how the Flagstons are doing financially this year? Well, it turns out: not great!

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Dustin, 4/16/20

Because Dustin tries to take an even-handed approach to its tales of the generation wars, it gives each of its main characters little foibles: Dustin, for instance, is lazy, feckless, stupid, unattractive to women, and generally is responsible for this once-great nation going down the toilet, whereas Dustin’s dad sometimes likes to snack too much. Anyway, I’m a guy who knows a little bit about emotional eating, and if Dustin thinks his dad can’t shovel popcorn into his maw while weeping, well, it looks like stealing his dad’s popcorn is just another “job” he’s going to fail at.

Mary Worth, 4/16/20

Mary’s go-to piece of concrete advice when people are having a hard time choosing between options is to tell them to make a list of pros and cons, and it looks like Dawn is getting a lot of material as she decides which boyfriend to dump!

HUGO: Extremely hot
JARED: Clumsy, sniveling nerd
Hugo +1

HUGO: Will not shut the fuck up about how much better things are in France
JARED: Will not shut the fuck up about Star Wars
Tie

Looks like Hugo’s still in the lead!

Blondie, 4/16/20

It’s taken years, but I guess the comics-reading public has grown numb to Dagwood’s obviously erotic relationship with food. So now, in order to titillate and repulse us by turns, Dagwood is turning to the auto-erotic, becoming obviously aroused by video footage of himself unhinging his jaw to swallow a sandwich whole. Who says legacy comics can’t innovate?

Dick Tracy, 4/16/20

This strip’s occasional “Minit Mysteries” have usually honored the second half of that phrase, each one providing clues over its two-week span that would allow to reader to solve the mystery, Slylock Fox-style. However, it seems the current Case Of The Sexy Tied Up Alien is going to be solved the “old-fashioned way,” which is to say by the police force executing a no-knock warrant and charging in with their guns blazing, killing perpetrator and victim alike.

Family Circus, 4/16/20

Man, the Family Circus intern/algorithm that combs through the archives for topical panels sure is working hard, huh? I assume this one was originally created as part of a campaign against single-payer health care.

Gasoline Alley, 4/16/20

Gasoline Alley, the strip that brought you a thrilling storyline about trying to return a DVD player, now puts you through each pulse-pounding moment of a meeting that falls apart because the organizers can’t figure out the A/V equipment and the main speaker is late!!!! Can you handle the thrills??????

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Gasoline Alley, 4/8/20

“Josh,” said nobody, absolutely nobody, nobody real and nobody you could even conceive of as being a vaguely believable fictional character, but for this bit imagine that there might, in some bizarre parallel universe, be a person or persons who would ask the following question, “What’s going with the thing in Gasoline Alley where they were going to save the farms or whatever?” Well, the save-the-farms meeting has devolved into absolute chaos, and not even the fun kind, just the kind where nobody’s really in charge and they’re definitely not sticking to the ostensible topic, which is probably fine because none of these dopes has any idea about how to save the farms, that much I can guarantee. Anyway, the strip’s extremely non-beloved wacky parrot character is here stirring up shit, and is today apparently stealing valor! The nerve! Can’t wait for him to go to prison.

Pluggers, 4/8/20

Despite the contempt I regularly shower onto Pluggers, I would be very sad if it went away! And yet I can’t really see where it has to go after today’s installment, “Pluggers sure plug up the toilet a lot, with their poops.”