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Dennis the Menace, 3/22/20

Do you think this lady, who’s acquainted with Mr. Wilson well enough to know his name but not well enough to know that he doesn’t have kids, is … hitting on him? Like, I guess I don’t know how suburban retirees flirt, but if you told me that complimenting each other’s lawns was a standard opening line, I would definitely believe it. Anyway, for once I actually like the fact that Dennis is being very pleasant and not menacing at all, because it makes Mr. Wilson come across like not just a cantankerous old coot but actively deranged.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/20

The previous iteration of the movie version of Lisa’s Story was going to be called Lust for Lisa, but now Mason is making it, which means it’s going to be “told the right way,” and it’s really only sinking in for me just how incredibly depressing that’s going to be. Like, we’ve all had 20 years to absorb this shit, but Mason is going to pack it all into two hours. Can you imagine the opening scene where Les and Lisa visit the Bethesda fountain (named after a healing fountain in the Bible, and used to good dramatic effect in an infinitely better work) and wish for Lisa to not die of cancer, and then she dies of cancer anyway? This is the level of darkness you expect from the most tiring of European art house films, and I for one can’t wait for everyone to hate it.

Panels from The Lockhorns, 3/22/20

One thing I sincerely respect is that The Lockhorns does nearly twice as many panels as any other single-panel strip, since instead of just running one giant panel for Sunday it does five little ones! Anyway, I genuinely enjoyed these two both on their own and in juxtaposition to one another, as they give us two different textures of intra-Lockhorn marital complaint: on the one hand, Leroy finds marriage to be, allegorically, like the worst kind of physical torture humanity has ever dreamed up, and on the other had it makes Loretta sad that Leroy is such a drunk.

Mary Worth, 3/22/20

Look, Dawn, Jared has seen things, OK? Life! …and death! He knows that he could go at any moment and he’s not going to go out having never awkwardly kissed a girl, damn it!

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/22/20

“I never have to talk to your dumb aunt again, and now that I have a bunch of books to stick my nose in, I don’t have to talk to you for hours either! Win-win! See ya, don’t bother trying to have a conversation with me because I definitely won’t be listening.”

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/16/20

“Ha ha, get it? His name is Les Moore, which is sort of a play on words? Anyway, long story short, your father maybe forgot you were coming home from college or maybe just didn’t care and definitely didn’t bother telling you about his big trip! So glad I married into this close, loving family.”

Crankshaft, 3/16/20

Trust me, Lillian, I know exactly what a podcast is, and I can tell you that it isn’t exciting at all.

Family Circus, 3/16/20

I apologize for implying last week that there were Freudian implications to Little Billy’s ongoing cartoon torture of his father. In fact, as the panel I highlighted then and today’s panel both demonstrate, he’s drawing on the Jungian archetypes that are ingrained in our folk memory and appear in the dark fairy tales our ancestors used to terrify their children.

The Lockhorns, 3/16/20

Amazing: the multi-month lead time in comics publishing has transformed Leroy from a cheapskate who never takes his wife anywhere nice to a true hero of public health! (Well, strictly speaking, he should be ordering delivery, but still, this is better than flying directly into a quarantine.)

Six Chix, 3/16/20

Looks like scientists have finally designed an artificial intelligence that can beat human players at poker … and it’s [record scratch] A WOMAN??? You go, girlfriend! Get that paper! [snaps fingers supportively]

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Judge Parker, 2/27/20

How’s Judge Parker Senior’s mayoral campaign going? Well, when he had his surrogates float the idea to the media that he might be thinking about a run, they ran a story on the evening news featuring footage of him being led off to prison in handcuffs, so, not great, it turns out! Still, Sam urges Alan to keep his focus on the people he’s really working for: the prisoners, the ones he met in jail and who helped him understand things about society that he never had before, the ones who he’s going to free by dynamiting the prison walls and turn into an unstoppable army that he’ll use to rule Cavelton with iron fist. Remember how Bane ran Gotham for the last half of The Dark Knight Rises? It’ll be like that.

The Lockhorns, 2/27/20

Wow, never mind the typical gloomy facial expressions on Leroy and Loretta: check out the profoundly intense frown on the face of their poor houseguest. I mean, you don’t expect anyone hanging out with them for any length of time to be happy about it, exactly, but this poor fellow seems to have absorbed the house’s negative energy like a sponge and is probably going to drop dead of a bile overdose at any moment.

Zits, 2/27/20

Zits is not a strip I talk about very often here, but I promise you this: I will always absolutely let you know when it abruptly veers into ass-themed body horror.

Mark Trail, 2/27/20

Wow, you heard it here first, folks: Rusty is going to get red-pilled by reading the unpleasantly ribald comments about Luann on GoComics.com.