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Archive: Mary Worth

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I want AT LEAST three solid days of card-playing metaphors here

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Mary Worth, 6/15/17

So after getting caught by his wife smooching a non-wife lady and being told to find somewhere else to sleep tonight, on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean, Derek has chosen to … admonish Esme using sexy banter from an old-timey movie? I’m beginning to think Derek might not be 100% committed to this whole “not cheating on his wife” thing, guys.

Dick Tracy, 6/15/17

Dick is entirely conscious that the purpose of the “law and order” regime he imposes on Neo-Chicago is to protect the property interests of the monied classes, so obviously he doesn’t want to go around hassling bank executives, even if they are harassing one of his close personal friends.

Shoe, 6/15/17

“Is it a sapient, talking bird, with a job and clothes, much like us? Will using the pronoun ‘it’ distance me from the horror that I am contemplating with so much ugly joy?”

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You can’t control everybody’s feelings with that gun, buddy

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Mark Trail, 6/12/17

This Mark Trail kidnap plot has been going on for approximately all of eternity at this point, but we still don’t really understand what motivates our bald-headed kidnap ringleader. What drove him to a life of crime? Why does he pretty much always look like he can’t poop and he’s real mad about it? Today we get a hint of his sad, empty emotional life: as a man who could only muster a casual “too bad Billy got shot” when a member of his crime-brotherhood was gunned down by the police, he can never understand the bonds that tie together real friends. You can keep robbing all the banks you want, but all that money isn’t going to fill the empty space inside you!

Mary Worth, 6/12/17

Unironic shoutout to the Mary Worth art team, who with Esme in panel two managed to perfectly capture a facial expression that says “Actually, it’s exactly what it looks like.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/12/17

The folk in Hootin’ Holler really only ever nominally adhered to the flatlanders’ sky-religion. When times get tough, they go out to the hidden lakes and commune with their ancient fish god.

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FORBIDDEN SMOOCHING COMICS

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Mary Worth, 6/11/17

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Derek and Esme acknowledge their attraction to one another, with their tobacco-stained lips, right in front of Katie! Here’s my main thought: Esme is wearing a tight, stunning floral dress and Katie is sporting a classic little black cocktail number, while Derek is wearing … a dull green polo shirt tucked into grey slacks? Why are these ladies fighting over this dull chump again, gimmie a break.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 6/11/17

Meanwhile, in the soap opera strips’ significantly less interesting love triangle, Holly is working overtime to prove to Kelly that she and Niki are just friends and that she wants to be friends with Kelly too! Just friends all around! Look at her, rubbing her hands together in absolute glee about all the new friends she’s going to have! This “high school musical thing” is going to be an underground prison where she can watch Niki and Kelly grow old together, right?

Pluggers, 6/11/17

You’re a plugger if all your friends are dying and you need to keep your suit clean in case you die too, so they can bury you in it.