Post Content

Gil Thorp, 7/17/17

Oh, man, it looks like I stopped paying attention to Gil Thorp back in, uh, May? We all learned some valuable lessons about how domestic abuse is bad but also it’s possible to construct an elaborate narrative scenario that makes someone seem like a domestic abuser when they really weren’t, so don’t jump to conclusions, but also you shouldn’t let anger get the best of you or pretend to like some girl just because your friend likes her friend. Anyway, baseball’s over and now we’re coming to … football? Ugh, remember when Gil Thorp used to do delightfully insane summer storylines, like Coach Kaz moonlighting as a rock star’s bodyguard or Marty Moon getting grifted at golf or Gil wrestling a possibly senile old pro wrestler, for charity? Anyway, this year’s football plot actually looks a lot like last one, when an ex-trainer turned unpaid assistant football coach helped a goofy linebacker (?) who wanted to be a quarterback but who was extremely bad at it get marginally better at it, but never actually play a meaningful down. Anyway, are these … the same people? Does Kevin want to be a fullback now? Who are the tall Watchers cooly and dispassionately observing them from the stands? Are we gonna get a fucking bonfire this year or what?

Mark Trail, 7/17/17

There was a brief moment when I thought we were about to have a big reveal where the lady we’ve thought was a hostage this whole time was actually a member of the gang, but, nope, she was already tied up and gagged while Baldy McBankrobberboss was talking to another criminal associate, which, whatever happened to that guy, anyway? But the important thing is that I find it 100% plausible that these two FBI dudes spent hours staring at video footage of a bank robbery and thinking “There’s something off about this robber, who must be a man because bank robbing is something men, not women, do. But what it is it? Can’t put my finger on it, let’s send it to the nerds down in Analysis and see what they come up with.”

Spider-Man, 7/17/17

I’m not an expert in How Hollywood Works or anything, but I’m finding a studio flack telling an actress “thank God you weren’t killed in that freak armadilloid attack that destroyed half of Brentwood, because we need you at a junket in San Francisco right away!” to be extremely believable.

Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/16/17

It’s no secret that the last exciting thing that happened in Rex Morgan was Sarah getting hit by a car, but with each new story I allow myself to experience a frisson of hope. Sure, “June’s childhood best friend comes to visit” may not seem like it has a lot of meat to it, but the presence of her child has my “I’m planning on crashing with you indefinitely” sense tingling. Remember when June’s trashy cousin showed up and wouldn’t leave because she’d had a fight with her mom, and Sarah verbalized the class-based judgements that her parents were more subtle about, and then the cousin’s dumb boyfriend showed up too and Sarah made him hand over his skateboard as his price for laying low in the basement, but eventually he painted whales in his basement prison and June’s cousin got a job as a manicurist so everything worked out fine? That was great, and what I’m trying to say is that this lady and her kid better be fleeing a dicey domestic situation, or creditors, or the Irish mob, or something interesting, or else I’m gonna be real mad.

Spider-Man, 7/16/17

The amount of time Mole-Man spends justifying the plundering of Subterranea’s public treasury for his own private gain as he fled his former realm indicates that he knows exactly how unjustified the whole thing is. “Look, uh, I left most of it behind! My former subjects, who did all the manual labor to extract it, are welcome to it! If they depose my successor! The part I took was just a tiny, tiny bit! And what about strip-mining, huh? If it’s a crime for me to bring some precious gems out of the underground kingdom, where does that leave every mining company in the world, huh?” Still, his retelling of the story does provide the opportunity for him to both use the phrase “worm-mount” and to show us said worm-mount, a freakish lamprey-mouthed beast hundreds of feet long with treasure chests lashed to its back that Mole-Man is riding like a pony, so literally anything he does from here on out is forgiven as far as I’m concerned.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 7/16/17

THE ANSWER IS HE LICKED IT

HE JUST UP AND LICKED COUNT WEIRDLY’S SKI-DOO

I’M SORRY, “SUPER SKI”

I GUESS SKI-DOO IS A BRAND NAME

ANYWAY, HE LICKED IT, TO SEE IF IT TASTED SALTY

SLY, WE NEED TO TALK

Post Content

Spider-Man, 7/14/17

Hey, Spider-Man! Last I checked you and your movie star wife weren’t exactly supporting your aunt in the lifestyle to which she’d like to become accustomed in return for the fact that she raised you as a single parent after your negligence got her first husband killed, so maybe you should stop throwing roadblocks between her and her true love Mole-Man. Financial considerations shouldn’t keep people apart any more than the specious religious grounds you tried to use years ago. Anyway, that all turns out to not matter, because Mole-Man is rich! Rich as a mole! I sincerely love the Parker clan’s facial expressions in the last panel here: It’s as if they’re all holding extremely still, hoping that, if they don’t say anything or make direct eye contact with anybody, this whole “Mole-Man is fabulously wealthy and will soon be part of our family” thing will work out and none of them will ever have to work again.

Blondie, 7/14/17

OK, I rag on the syndicate colorists all the time for their egregious errors (like getting celebrities’ hair color wrong, just as an example) so I suppose I should give them credit when they deserve it: Mr. Dithers having a cash-green blanket to complement his currency-themed pajamas is a lovely and subtle touch.

Six Chix, 7/14/17

Here’s today’s Six Chix! It’s about, uh, straight-up murder, I guess?