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Hagar the Horrible, 2/27/18

The central conceit of Hagar the Horrible is that it takes the classic American sitcom husband-wife dynamic and transposes it onto a family living in Viking-age Norway. So the conflicts between Hagar and Helga all revolve around the sort of things that would be at home in America in 1975: he spends too much time at the bar, he doesn’t like her mother, he’s a slob, etc. But tellingly, what they don’t fight about is his role as the leader of a band of opportunistic raiders and thieves, who leave a trail of corpses across Europe in their quest for plunder. Look at her little smile as he heads to the door to cleave the salesman’s skull with a single blow of his axe, then put him out of his misery by stabbing him in the throat. She doesn’t like it when he leaves chicken bones on the floor, but she’s never minded all the killing.

Gil Thorp, 2/27/18

So Marty Moon has reacted to his admonishment at the hands of teens by choosing to … hyper-pronounce Jorge Padilla’s name, as in this classic SNL sketch, and take advantage of getting to actually say a Latino’s name on the air by slipping in sponsored content for a local Mexican restaurant. I’m not sure what’s funnier: that he’s doing this to antagonize his young woke adversaries, or because he thinks he’s being respectful.

Mark Trail, 2/27/18

“Anybody break a neck or get permanently paralyzed? Any compound fractures, with femurs protruding horrifically from flesh? Tissues sliced so deep that the scarring will be permanent? Massive blood loss? Traumatic brain injury? C’mon, throw us a bone here, sheriff.”

Pluggers, 2/27/18

You can tell this is a “classic” Pluggers because the kid still knows what a radio is.

Six Chix, 2/27/18

What if an old person … had a mom??? You crazy for this one, Six Chix!

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Funky Winkerbean, 2/26/18

Welp, I apologize: it turns out that even though last week I dismissed the possibility that Darin and Jessica were driving from Los Angeles to northeast Ohio rather than flying for some reason, and that Mopey Pete would prefer to tag along rather than flying himself for some reason, that is in fact what’s happening! I … have no idea why? I guess flying with a baby is a pain, but probably not so much of a pain as making a multiday drive with a baby? That kind of drive is a big undertaking and generally you only do it if you have a specific reason, like you’re moving with all your stuff or you want to see the country or something, and yet these guys are just acting like it’s a normal, everyday occurrence, which makes me think that I’ve missed some pivotal Funkyverse event, like all air travel being banned due to a sudden outbreak of Atmosphere Cancer.

Mark Trail, 2/26/18

“The death toll was awful … there were dozens of them packed into a single boxcar, with no safety measures of any kind. One of the few survivors said that any real clown would rather die true to their values than travel in a vehicle with a reasonable number of people in it.”

Spider-Man, 2/26/18

We established last week that JJJ’s sojourn to South Florida had nothing to do with Spidey’s adventures there, but it’s nice to know that he just rants to casual acquaintances about what a menace the wall-crawler is, presumably without context or provocation.

Slylock Fox, 2/26/18

It’s good to see that Slylock has so thoroughly eradicated crime that he can spend his time advising school administrators how not to embarrass themselves, I guess! But I think he’s wrong here: no teen is going to sharpen these pencils, because a pencil that says “TOO COOL TO CHEAT” is so hilariously dorky and pure that they’ll be keeping them in pristine condition for years.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/25/18

As faithful readers of this blog know, Rex Morgan, M.D., has been a little light on the medical drama, unless you count sleep apnea and dehydration and people dying of cancer off-panel and then leaving their children with randos they knew in 1st grade as medical drama, which, I think it goes without saying, I don’t. Anyway, that’s why I’m excited that Justin, after having a negative reaction to his ham and cheese sandwich, apparently yacked it up onto the floor of the cafeteria, and now is just going to wander off while his friends stand around nervously wondering who’s going to clean up the puddle of barf, because I’m hoping said puddle of barf is swarming with whatever exotic and deadly virus he’s come down with and soon the whole school will be in a state of lockdown. If it just turns into a thing like the story in Stand By Me where one incident of vomiting sparks a chain reaction and everyone in the cafeteria ends up involuntarily puking on one another, that will also be acceptable.

Mary Worth, 2/25/18

Here, everybody, please enjoy the total humiliation of sex creep and “character” Ted Miller, who gets slapped, shoved, and ends up groveling on the floor, wearing one of Mary’s delicious and potentially lucrative muffins as a hat!

Crankshaft, 2/25/18

I’m pretty sure that the unspeakable Something from the basement that devoured Crankshaft and assumed his form is going to turn out to be much less of an asshole.

Beetle Bailey, 2/25/18

“This has to be dealt with,” said Rocky, after General Halftrack overthrew the U.S. government and began abrogating civil liberties. “The General thinks he can get away with anything!” Unfortunately, it turned out he could.