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Meanwhile, over at Extremely Slippery Floor Yoga Studio

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Mary Worth, 6/1/16

Guys, I’m not very good at yoga, but I’ve been doing it semi-regularly, at home with videos and in classes, for nearly a decade now, and I can assure you that the amount of yogi smack talk that happens is minimal. Also, I mean, I don’t mean to doubt the yoga prowess of mustachio’d part-time substitute art history instructor Harlan Jones, but I’ve been trying and failing to do crow pose for nearly the whole time I’ve been practicing yoga, and taraksvasana seems, like, a lot harder, so I don’t think he’s gonna master that in one night? Don’t push yourself too hard, friend! Your body is your best teacher: if you feel a sharp pain, stop, pull back, try again later! I actually dearly hope Dawn discovers Harlan’s twisted body in his apartment days from now, after he accidentally breaks his back by taraksvasanaing too vigorously, and the lesson learned is that when you make a new connection you should always abandon all your other friends to hang out with them all the time.

Family Circus, 6/1/16

I’m not really sure what Dolly is getting at here. God is enlightening us … about the nature of electricity? I’m honestly more concerned about her body language, as she seems to just be blathering soothing nonsense to him to lure him somewhere, possibly the top of a tall, metal pole.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/1/16

“And it’d be crazy if I had to kill you, to make sure that you didn’t shoot your big mouth off about this! Oh, these gun fingers? I’m making them for, uh, no reason at all.”

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Congrats to Mark for just thinking “what th'” instead of blurting it into Carina’s mouth

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Mark Trail, 5/31/16

OH SNAP, it’s that time again in this Mark Trail adventure: the time when a young lady misinterprets an innocent act of life-saving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation as an adulterous romantic advance on Mark’s part! Remember, when you’ve stopped breathing due to a build up of water in your lungs, the first thing you’ll feel as you regain consciousness due to someone else forcing air into your respiratory system is languorous erotic delight, right before you puke up a bunch of fluid. Anyway, I can’t decide what I like more: Mark’s bug-eyed startlement at feeling a woman react to his touch with arousal, or his grim-faced explanation that, yes, he is indeed legally bound to another human in the contract that our society calls “marriage,” and he’s very, very happy about it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/31/16

Oh, whoops, it looks like even with its new writer, the Rex Morgan rule about the Morgans always getting free money at all times is still in full effect! The juxtaposition between the sad, dark past when children were forced to watch their favorite comics burn at the whims of puritans, and today, when Rex is rubbing his chin and smirking and thinking about how much money he could get for these smutty comics, is a delight.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/31/16

Finally, the Zodiac Killer has come out of hiding and has cryptographically announced his intention to kill again — right here in Centerville! The best part of this time jump discontinuity is that whenever Pam or Jeff are irritating in Crankshaft, we can console ourselves with the knowledge of their eventual grisly end.

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Chicken-Lady seems phlegmatically resigned to her fate

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Hi and Lois, 5/30/16

Wow, the Flagston kids are easily impressed. I don’t even like salad, but as far as I’m concerned, Hi didn’t come close to upstaging his wife’s ultra-local meal. Did he raise adorable calfs and pigs in his yard until they were juicy, delicious adults, then slaughter them in an abattoir of his own design and grind the byproducts into delicious hotdog-slurry with a hand-cranked slurry grinder? Is their home splattered with bits of blood and bone and viscera that will never wash out, all so the kids can enjoy a few fleeting moments of meaty deliciousness? No? He just bought some meat at the store, like a chump? Give me a break.

Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, 5/30/16

Ugh, fine, I guess I’ll pay attention to the Funkyverse’s time-jump-spanning crossover antics. Over in the past, which is also the present, Jeff is about to get dumped by his therapist for being so irritating. (You can tell it’s the past because Jeff’s health insurance has paid for enough sessions to get him to this point.) In the future, which is also the present, Jeff and Pam discuss the fact that Pam’s irritating parent still lives. (You can tell it’s the future because there’s only one print newspaper, and it’s just called The Paper, and it’s only 16 pages long.)

Pluggers, 5/30/16

I love the wild disparity between today’s caption and today’s cartoon. I’m sure the Whitneys are just kinda tickled by the fact that their car’s “check engine” light’s been on forever with no ill effects and wouldn’t actually give a hoot if it went out, but Dog-Man seems be seized by absolute panic over the sudden reversal. “OH MY GOD! THIS IS IT! WHAT WE’VE ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT! IT’S FINALLY HERE! I’M GOING TO OPEN MY DOOR AND ROLL OUT, YOU DO THE SAME! IF WE DON’T MAKE IT, I’LL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE VEIL! WE HAD A GOOD LIIIIIFEEEEEEEEEEEE”