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Spider-Man, 4/23/13

A long-running and beloved franchise like Spider-Man is often caught in a dilemma of its own success: how can it keep topping itself? For instance, Spider-Man, a heroic crime fighter with strength and powers beyond that of ordinary humans, has in the past been disabled by ordinary gangster who hit him in the back of the head with a club and a falling brick that accidentally fell on his head. What storyline could be more exciting, more thrilling than this? Today we have the answer: Spider-Man knocking himself unconscious by accidentally backing into a pipe. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!!!!! His only weakness is the one weakness he shares with just about everybody: a violent blow to the head.

Judge Parker, 4/23/13

Judge Parker has set up one a though experiment: is there an investment so risky and bone-headed that even a member of the Spencer-Driver clan could lose money on it? Neddy has written a $60,000 check to her new friends, do-gooders who build water filtration systems for developing nations, with the promise that they’ll literally pay her back double as soon as they sign some deal with the U.N. It’s all right there in a contract that one of said friends drew up! Will Neddy finally feel the shame of financial failure? (Haha, of course not, probably they’ll pay her back triple instead of double, just because.)

Beetle Bailey, 4/23/13

Oh, look, Beetle Bailey is taking a day off from its usual semi-senile military antics to present you with the most horrifying thing you’ve ever seen! Haha, are you tired of dry, lifeless hamburgers, Sarge? Why not enjoy this burger? It’s made up of flesh that’s been shredded into innumerable tendrils by an enormous industrial meat grinder; yet somehow, impossibly, that flesh is still alive, still moving, those tendrils writhing and squirming. The abomination has no eyes, so it cannot see, yet somehow it still senses the presence of another living thing, and so it drags itself impossibly across the plate, leaving an oozing trail of blood behind. It moves ever so slowly, and Sarge is paralyzed in terror as it twitches towards him. It hungers, he knows; it hungers for revenge, and to feed. He feels the clammy touch as the leading edge of this pulsating meat-mass touches his hand. He wants to run, wants to scream. But he cannot.

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Mark Trail, 4/22/13

Mark and Wes are off to go “look at some sheep” (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do) (I’m talking about sex with sheep) and they’re a little worried about leaving the ladies alone! Don’t fret, fellas, they’ll be fine, just fine, having a grand old time stone cold shooting at things. Better make a lot of noise as you approach the camp when you come back! They might get a little trigger happy (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do) (I’m talking about them getting crazed with bloodlust and pumping anything that moves full of hot lead).

Apartment 3-G, 4/22/13

Margo usually doesn’t think about niceties like “sleep” or “working tomorrow” when there’s a hot piece of duly elected man meat in her sights, but for once she’s sticking to the girl-bro code. She and Lu Ann promised each other they’d double-team the governor, and she’s not going in alone!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/22/13

Man, even the butterflies are aggressive and foul-mouthed in Hootin’ Holler.

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Mary Worth, 4/21/13

Oh, look, Tom, who met Beth once at a group dinner and hasn’t been able to talk to her since, is already planning on making her his partner in his “life’s journey”! No, that’s not creepy at all, and the “journey” in question certainly isn’t to the beautiful flying saucer where his real people live, and the “journey” certainly isn’t initiated by drinking the Mystical Journey Juice (one part vodka, four parts Drano, dash of bitters). This shopping trip will be fine, just fine! Oh, also Tom, you’re a divorcé, not a “bachelor,” FYI.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/21/13

“All right, Les, you’re writing a made-for-cable movie here, so you need overwrought, emotionally manipulative dialogue that no human would actually say … come on, you can do it … YES! NAILED IT!”