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Dennis the Menace, 8/24/13

Dennis dreams of fleas, monstrously huge fleas, fleas the size of dogs, fleas with a terrible thirst for blood that’s proportionate to their size, fleas that sink their awful probisci into hapless, screaming victims and drain them in an instant, then leap dozens of feet after the panicked citizens, covering the distance faster than any poor human can run. Dennis dreams of putting collars and leashes these beasts and bending them to his will, of gathering a bloodsucking army of nightmare-insects. Dennis is clearly increasing his menace levels in a hurry.

Family Circus, 8/24/13

“When will the lustful sin-urges finally leave their bodies and their minds? When will they finally be able to live together in chastity, like you two do?”

Blondie, 8/24/12

The joke is that Dagwood’s dead, right? He used to be alive, but now he’s dead?

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Your comment of the week: behold it, in all its glory!

“Like Jerry Seinfeld once said, ‘What’s the difference between a dentist and a sadist? Newer magazines.’ Wizard of Id could do a whole week of riffs on that: ‘What’s the difference between a barber-dentist and a headsman?’, ‘What’s the difference between a bloodletter and whoever enjoys cartoons about crudely-drawn people chained to dungeon walls for decades?’, etc.” –Kibo

And your runners up! Very funny!

“That last panel is a lot funnier if you imagine that those two hands belong to Mary, who is frantically trying to signal something to Aggie like a baseball coach sending coded messages to the pitcher. ‘If it’s going to go down like this, remember to hit her at the knees … the knees!’” –pugfuggly

“‘God’s wounds, Daddy! Thy garment is most fashionable!’ Wait, too old.” –Windier E. Megatons

“Rusty, does this posture make my cloaca look big? Be honest.” –Gregory

“At first I thought panel 3 showed Bull pushing a football ticket at Funky, and I felt humor. Then I realized it was money, and I wondered, ‘people pay for Montoni’s pizza?'” –Uncle Lumpy dreams of dinosaurs

“I’m glad we have a grandfather who was able to place his soul into Nixon’s corpse.” –word-doctor

“Pluggers lost the remote watching CBS years ago, and now only watch CBS.” –Frippin in the Krotz

“Heathcliff’s neighbor maybe racist against hippos, but Heathcliff is the one using a hippo as a beast of burden. Fight the power, gentle hippo! You don’t have to submit to cat colonialism!” –Lily Sincere

“The neighborhood was indeed changing. The pace became slower, gentler, more concerned with mud baths than with the daily grind. There was time to chew on some reeds, always time for a leisurely swim or simply sink to the bottom of the river and think about your options. Yes, the neighborhood was changing, and for the better. That is, until the lions showed up.” –The Rt. Venerable Pastordan

“You’ve been reading too many comic books, old buddy! Newspaper comics are the wave of the future! This money train is never rollin’ off the tracks!” –Dan

“Laugh it up kid! You just joked your way out of all the fun prescriptions.” –Chareth Cutestory

“The appearance of Grandma merely emphasizes the unsettling, Lovecraftean nature of Family Circus. The melon heads of the Keane Kids are no mere stylistic conceit. No, they really look like that; inheritors of a degenerate skull structure passed down through the maternal line. Bil Keane’s legacy is an endless plea: ‘My wife, our kids, all her damn family are literal sideshow freaks. Damn my uncaring lust for long, shapely legs.'” –damanoid

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Wizard of Id, 8/23/13

Wizard of Id doesn’t go in for meticulously researched historical detail like Prince Valiant or whatever, but usually its strips include its pseudo-historical characters in its faux-medieval milieu, or at least people who might be plausibly presented as existing in said faux-medieval milieu, even if there are also jokey non-medieval angles to the gag. But today all of the strip’s 49 years of accumulated baggage has been cast aside so that we can enjoy this entirely contemporary joke. Not that it isn’t worth it, obviously, since the punchline is so original, so groundbreaking, that once it had been conceived of it would have been a literal crime against humanity to give it anything but the widest publication possible. (It’s about how kids today use computers instead of magazines, you see, and also about how the magazines in doctors’ offices are generally quite old.)

Family Circus, 8/23/13

Remember, old people aren’t better at hugging because their age and wisdom have opened their hearts more fully to the possibility of loving other human beings without judgement or fear. They’ve just done it more than you have! Have you ever been hugged by a child? It was awful, right? They’re terrible at it. They need more practice.