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Garfield, 8/20/05

My personal curmudgeonly opinion is that the less said about the 75th anniversary Blondie mutual wank-a-thon, the better, but I feel compelled to drag Saturday’s Garfield out to help illustrate why comics characters drawn by different artists shouldn’t be put in close proximity to one another. Because I’ve been reading Garfield pretty much since I achieved rudimentary literacy, but it wasn’t until I saw Jon next to Dagwood that I realized that OH MY GOD HE HAS NO NOSE! I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM! HIS ENORMOUS, BULBOUS EYES ARE JUST SITTING DIRECTLY ABOVE HIS UPPER LIP! SWEET JESUS CHRIST THAT’S CREEPY! I’m sure the architects of this huge crossoverfest were looking to instill a sense of “warm and fuzzy” in their readers; for me, anyway, they got “aesthetically unsettled” instead.

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Apartment 3-G, 8/19/05

Not that it took Holmesian powers of deduction or anything, but I would like credit for correctly predicting that this Apartment 3-G storyline would be bone-crushingly boring.

In fact, the only way I can maintain consciousness while reading it is to pretend that Scott and Lu Ann’s goodie-goodie talk really consists of a series of double entendres.

“I’d like to take a container ship of calcium pills to his Dominican Republic.”

“I’d like to add something to her container.”

“I’d like to be invited to his Dominican Republic to help distribute everything once her container ship arrives.”

You can see the increasingly desperate straits that I’m finding myself in. Help!

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Ziggy, 8/18/05

You know, doing this blog, and therefore having to come up with something amusing once a day or so, has given me a certain amount of sympathy for cartoonists, who have to do the same. It’s harder than it looks. Sometimes you just end up staring at a blank piece of paper (or computer screen, in my case), despairing that anything funny will ever come out of your brain again.

But this … no. No. NO. See, because a robot’s voice is tinny, and maybe if it was coming out of a shell … well, no. Still, no. Sorry Tom and Tom II, but: no. No. No. I thank you for your time and effort, but: no. And no.