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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/23/19

I know we all complain about how generally dull Rex Morgan has been since Woody Wilson retired as writer, but have we considered that maybe this is all at Rex’s request? Like, you try dealing with stripper subletters and MRSA epidemics and funeral brawls and helping your nanny defraud her stepson out of his inheritance, twice. You’d probably want a few years of low-stakes medical practice too! But hopefully for our sakes things are going to pick back up with a case of poisoning, or at least maybe factitious disorder, and a patient capable of producing a pissyface worth of Rex himself.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/23/19

Ha ha, check out the answer to this “mystery”: Slylock knows that no Great White shark could survive in a cage for three days, but he and Max still swam away, because they “didn’t want to take chances.” What’s the matter, Slylock? Not willing to stake your life on your endless supply of nature facts? Do you lack the courage of your convictions? I guess Weirdly is safe in his undersea hideout, with his probably but not definitely fake shark, to plot against us!

Pluggers, 6/23/19

I guess if you had asked me “Hey Josh, you wanna see a dead plugger,” I would’ve said “Sure, absolutely,” but it turns out that stumbling across the actual depiction of a plugger corpse in the funny pages actually unnerved and upset me. Sorry, everyone! I don’t want to see the dead body of some folksy animal-human hybrid abomination given the trappings of a decent funeral! Keep this business out of the paper, in my opinion!

Funky Winkerbean, 6/23/19

I’m no Ken Burns, but I would definitely start my Butter Brinkel research into finding out how Brinkel managed to make a career out of blatantly ripping off Buster Keaton.

Panel from Dennis the Menace, 6/23/19

The actual punchline was about video games or something, but I firmly believe that the absolute funniest image the comics will have to offer for 2019 will be a furious Mr. Wilson, having just been alerted by some article in the paper to the existence of people born after 1982, barking “Martha! You ever heard of these millennials?” at his wife while she brings him the cocktail that will hopefully spur his typical three-hour afternoon nap, when she can finally get some peace and quiet.

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Family Circus, 6/15/19

God help me, but I laughed at today’s Family Circus. Not because of the lame golf joke — it will never cease to amaze me the extent to which syndicated cartoonists think golf is a infinite supply of relatable laffs — but because of the wary way that Jeffy is eyeing the head of that club that Billy has somehow managed to get his grubby little hands on. What will he damage, or destroy, with it? Will it be one of other Keane Kids’ skulls? Jeffy is resigned to finding out, possibly the hard way.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/15/19

The newspaper industry’s few remaining shreds of decency sadly precluded actually showing us Darrin and Jessica going at it once they were reunited earlier this week. But I appreciate today’s strip for letting us know, in as vivid terms as possible, how extremely gross it all was. What would a monkey do to a cupcake, exactly? I’m not sure, but we can all agree that we’re better off for not having seen it happen!

Gil Thorp, 6/15/19

Gil Thorp spring storylines often verge dangerously into the summer months, but I certainly hope that this one, which has been pretty boring, is just going to end here. Ha ha, we spent so much time on the “too cool for school” drama that we barely noticed that the softball team won the Valley Conference, and did the baseball team even play this year? What would be extremely funny would be if the last word on all this is Mudlark #2 saying “I bet no one noticed” and then next week we just start the summer storyline and the championship is never mentioned again in any way, thus proving her point.

Mark Trail, 6/15/19

“Plus he’s a human being with inherent worth so, if he’s dead … someone, somewhere will be sad? I guess?”

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Mary Worth, 6/12/19

“Hmm, I think I’ll have this dish they call the ‘Hunky Tech Millionaire.’ That’s not a phrase that has any particularly unpleasant associations for you, is it?”

Hi and Lois, 6/12/19

Bad news, Trixie! The very slim chance that this strip was going to pivot to a For Better Or For Worse-style aging in real-time drama vanished long ago. Your audience is 100% nostalgics now, and those nostalgics only want you to be a baby, so you’re going to be a baby … forever.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/12/19

You know, sometimes the point of this blog is for me to have an outlet for my creativity and analysis using the daily newspaper comics as a prompt, but sometimes the point is that I shouldn’t have to suffer alone, and today is one of those days when we tip towards the latter. If I have to know that the theme of today’s Funky Winkerbean is “the Funky Winkerbean characters are horny,” then so do you, by god.