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Gil Thorp, 12/3/07

“Yeah, we could probably test it at Tilden … by why not just keep failing spectacularly with the offense that was terrible before we stopped practicing it? Since we already have no chance to make the playdowns, there’s no point in having fun or trying hard in any of our remaining games. A healthy diet of humiliation will have our boys all the more eager to pull their half-assed Wing T trickery against Valley Tech!”

Meanwhile… Marty Moon suddenly realizes the free press’s obligation to challenge the Putinesque dictatorship of Coach Thorp’s athletic administration. Unfortunately, he’s eight weeks behind teenaged dim bulbs Howard and Tony in mining the Google for useful anti-Gil ammunition. Presumably old-school radio man Marty usually avoids the Web and has been waiting for this whole “Internet” fad to blow over, but recently discovered that you can buy booze there.

Apartment 3-G, 12/3/07

Dizziness … giddiness … elevated heart rate … shortness of breath … Nurse Thompson carefully reviewed the symptoms in her mind, thinking back to her medical training to try to come up with a correct diagnosis. Could it have been the one syndrome that wasn’t in her dusty textbooks: sexual arousal? Or maybe it was an asthma attack. Yes, that seemed more likely.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/3/07

That right there, if I’m guessing correctly, is Mopey Pete, erstwhile persecuted high school dork and comics artist, spurned by best friend Darrin when the latter started dating a hot girl. According to Funkywinkerbean.com, post-time-jump Pete is now a successful writer for Marvel Comics. For what purpose has he returned to WinkerLand? I imagine that he’s breathing in the heady smell of Montoni’s pizza before he walks into the restaurant and starts unloading ammunition into everyone who ever wronged him.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/3/07

“You sit over there, under daddy’s whore picture. That’s the whore chair. For whores like you.”

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Mary Worth, 11/20/07

Ah ha! Chester’s real owner! Here at last is the conflict, the drama that has eluded this storyline for so long! Mary will be confronted with some sad-eyed waif who’s so happy to be reunited with her very special Prince Snuffles or whatever the dog’s real name is. She’ll be all torn up inside about letting go of the dog she’s come to love in a short time. Will she be able to do it? Will she do the right thing and return the dog to his rightful owner? Or will she find some way to rationalize keeping the dog, leaving the child heartbroken? Action! Excitement!

Or, you know, it could play out like the damn condo rules feint. “I’d better find out if Chester has a real owner. Oh, he doesn’t! Hooray! I’m so great!” Damn you, Mary Worth, I don’t need another strip that sets up dilemmas only to summarily dispatch them with no effort on the part of the characters. I have Spider-Man for that.

You’ll note that Chester himself has given up on anything fun happening in this strip and has decided to just hump Mary’s leg until her shin goes numb.

Herb and Jamaal, 11/20/07

Ah, yes, “that sappy chick flick.” Thank God US law only allows one of those to be in theaters at any given time so that we don’t have to sully our lips with its name.

Judge Parker, 11/20/07

Things that might be going through Abbey’s shocked and horrified mind in panel three:

• “Oh my God, my husband kissed another woman!”
• “Oh my God, my husband kissed a woman!”
• “Oh my God, my husband broke several rules in the Bar Association’s ethics code!”
• “Oh my God, my husband thinks that ‘a big wet smacker on the lips’ is some kind of acceptable phrase to use in conversation!”

And here’s a couple of amusing standalone panels for today:

Panel from Gil Thorp, 11/20/07

We all know how pathetic and basically lonely Coach Thorp is, but today, with Gil giving a pep talk to the shrubbery outside his house, really brings it home.

Panel from Popeye, 11/20/07

There’s context for this, sort of, but I like it best in hilariously inappropriate isolation.

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Family Circus, 11/19/07

I’m not going to denigrate Billy’s school for letting him on the team based on the quality of his celebratory frolicking. After all, wasn’t the Ickey Shuffle pretty much the high point in the long and non-storied history of the Cincinnati Bengals franchise? The competition for ticket dollars among elementary school football programs is fierce, and so obviously each team will want to find the best showmen to keep the crowds coming back. No, what disturbs me is how dirty Billy is, which frankly doesn’t speak well for the aesthetic judgement of the coaches. I mean, what, did his “touchdown dance” consist of him rolling around in the dirt? Or did (God forbid) he attempt to breakdance? While I don’t doubt that our moronic little towhead might think that such pathetic displays might constitute a good signature celebration, I find it sad that they would earn him a spot on the team. This is why the athletic and drama departments really need to work together more closely.

Gil Thorp, 11/19/07

Speaking of which, Cully seems to have come to Coach Thorp’s office directly from rehearsal for the school production of Dracula. “I’m no killer! I merely drain the blood I need for sustenance from the veins of my victims, transforming them into the living dead.”

Gil’s smug diagonal leaning pose (a common enough Gil Thorp visual trope; see for instance here and here) is all the more hilarious because his little head game is epically misguided and pointless, and certainly nothing to be proud of. “See, Cully, I told you — you’re no killer! You’re a bully who breaks into people’s houses to steal electronics, and you’ll probably be addicted to meth soon if you aren’t already. Now run along! Oh, and please kill Marty Moon. I’m serious.”

Mark Trail, 11/19/07

Ah, if there’s one thing that’s going defuse a violent situation and calm down a dude who’s got a gun out in his boat, it’s condescendingly tousling his hair, then pumping him full of caffeine. That’s just the sort of crowd control techniques you learn at Mountie Academy! Or forest ranger school. Or in basic training, preparing to go fight Fritz with General Pershing’s army. Seriously, who the hell is that guy supposed to be?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/19/07

Make it stop, I’m begging you. Hey, remember when June went to the DMV! Ha ha, good times! Please. I … I won’t make fun of you any more. Just let up for a day or two. Please.

Also, fans of TDIET and/or toys will want to check out today’s Shortpacked!