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Mary Worth, 9/20/19

Oh my god just when you thought Dawn had gotten over Hugo it turns out that Dawn didn’t have to get over Hugo because he couldn’t get enough of her hot Westontude and he’s flown back from Paris to be with her (or maybe just didn’t get on his plane and got an Uber back from Santa Royale International to Charterstone; the timeframe for Dawn’s moping over the course of this week’s strips hasn’t been exactly clear). It’s perfectly possible that this story will bring America’s lovelorn comics readers the message that if you’re just sad about something intensely enough, you can change the fabric of reality itself, but it’s also possible that this is just all in Dawn’s mind and tomorrow we’re going to smash cut to her cry-masturbating on the couch.

Blondie, 9/20/19

Now, you’re probably wondering: if Mr. Dithers didn’t want to hug his employees, why did he tweet about “Hug Your Boss Day” just this morning? Well, he’s quite aware that he inspires a toxic melange of fear and contempt in his employees; so, by inducing fear that they might have to demonstrate physical affection for him, but then relieving them of that burden, he’s actually left them feeling more motivated and positive at the end of the workday. Say what you will about the old robber baron, but he’s a wily management genius.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/20/19

The big development in this week’s Funky Winkerbean is that Linda is going to learn if Bull (who, if I’m remembering right, was very briefly on the practice roster of the then-St. Louis Cardinals but never actually played in a game) qualifies for the NFL supplemental disability plan. And now that the week is over, we’re finally going to find o–wait, what? It’s only Friday? Uh, shoot, OK, no problem, we can do this in two strips, absolutely, nobody’s going to notice.

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Mary Worth, 9/15/19

Reading this strip, I suddenly had an intrusive memory of one of the all-time great Dawn Romance Fail plots. In the aftermath of her near death at sea, Dawn was on the lookout for a more meaningful life, and Mary had just the thing: doing volunteer work down at the hospital! Dawn immediately met Jim, a nice young man with one arm who lost his arm and his sister (who looked exactly like Dawn) in the same tragic boat accident, which meant that Jim had to prevent Dawn from getting near any bodies of water at all costs! He also wanted Dawn to have sex with him, and got angry and abusive when she turned him down, but Dawn’s extremely competent psychology professor taught her that it’s very important for women to break down the emotional barriers between themselves and the men who want to fuck/yell at them, so she managed to convince Jim to ease up and just be friends. And, having truly achieved her goal of living a more meaningful life, she never had to hang out with Jim again, but it sure took a while to get there! That’s why it’s great that this noble burn victim has managed to pass in and out of Dawn’s life in only a few moments, giving her a tissue … and a reason to live, and love again … without hanging around or making her pretend to like him or anything like that. He’s got his own rich, fulfilling life going on somewhere else! Probably! I mean, we’ll never know, but let’s just assume.

Hagar the Horrible, 9/15/19

I’m often fascinated by the way the top row of throwaway panels in a Sunday strip, which aren’t printed in many papers, can change the whole tenor of the piece. Like, if you didn’t have them today, this would just be the story of Lucky Eddie being late to dinner with Hagar for some unknown reason. But with them, it’s the story of Lucky being late for some unknown reason and made even later by a couple of comical farmer types who blocked the whole road! Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

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Mary Worth, 9/13/19

So there hasn’t really been much by way of a “twist” in this Dawn Summer Romance plot, honestly, but maybe at least now we’re getting to what’s intended to be the point, which is that Dawn having her heart broken will hurt for only a little while, so maybe she should just be grateful that she didn’t suffer some kind of terrible injury that resulted in permanent facial scarring, you know what I mean? Dawn, you hearing this? This saintly young man is offering to help you! Pull yourself together, girl!!!!

Hagar the Horrible, 9/13/19

Ha ha, so, the running Hagar the Horrible bit about Lucky Eddie’s mermaid fetish has all been in good fun, but today’s strip is getting a little too close to “hey, let’s think in some biological detail about mermaids’ reproductive cycle and, by extension, their sex lives, and specifically the sex life shared by this mermaid and Lucky Eddie” and you know what? Nope. This is where I tap out.

Crock, 9/13/19

Hey, you guys know about … brands? Well get this, what if there were brands … but for weapons? [My aide whispers the entire history of the military-industrial complex into my ear] Wait, what

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/13/19

“For that to happen, wouldn’t I have to have sex? Like, with Buck? No thanks.”