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Panel from The Lockhorns, 8/4/19

Since Leroy and Loretta have apparently been condemned to some hell-dimension where they’ll torture each other for all eternity, it’s not surprising that the sick burns they’ll lay on each other will eventually start getting increasingly baroque, and I’m here for it. Hyperinflation-based insults? Sure! “That’s the the b.-pengő note of suits,” Loretta says, looking Leroy up and down with contempt.

Mary Worth, 8/4/19

Wait, hold up! What form of water will Dawn be showing her skills off in next? A river? A lake? One of those infinity pool things? An underground sewer? Hugo hasn’t seen noting yet — but he’s never going to find out what’s in store for him if he keeps wasting time with all these makeouts!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/4/19

The title character, seeking medical care for his aging and decaying body, lets loose a sci-fi pop culture quip with no apparent context (is the chair he’s sitting in … supposed to be like Captain Kirk’s chair? is this cramped, crowded office supposed to be like the Enterprise’s bridge?) while ostensibly smiling but in a really angry-looking, aggressive way, basically daring anyone to question him; his interlocutor, stands staring dumbly at him looking crushed by the overall weight of life and his disappointment in it. I believe we’ve finally created the perfect Funky Winkerbean.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., and Mark Trail, 8/2/19

Have the soaps gone soft on us? Here we are with a couple of certified villains, and now we’re being asked to, like, sympathize with their motivations, which aren’t abstract evil but rather arise from the socio-economic superstructure in which they — like us — find themselves embedded. Oh, boo hoo, credentialing institutions dangle the prospect of fulfilling and renumerative careers that they can’t deliver, leaving thousands of idealistic young people burdened with debt! Waaaah, small businesses in this country are finding it harder and harder to compete in the marketplace and end up in a downward spiral of indebtedness that they can’t ever escape from! At least Mark, Doc, and Leola are watching JJ’s meltdown with rightful suspicion. Don’t come literally crying to us because you blew all your money on vehicles with an unusual number of wheels, JJ!

Mary Worth, 8/2/19

Somehow, the sight of JJ blubbering about his small business loan isn’t the funniest thing in the soap opera comics today. No, that honor goes to Dawn and Hugo’s date at the Bum Boat, where the strained, manic quality of their “flirting” reads as if each of them is wearing a wire and has been told to keep the other talking long enough that they eventually say something incriminating. Anyway, do you think Hugo knows about Billy Big Mouth Bass? Pretty sure this is Dawn’s big opportunity to finally impress this irritating euro-splainer with something America has that France doesn’t. We can’t deliver universal health care, but if you want easy access to an animatronic mounted fish that sings, the United States is the country for you!

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Mark Trail, 8/1/19

A while back, I asked whether Mark Trail, the comic strip, knew how mines work. Today we can see that the “blame game” has already started and the other characters are making Doc in particular feel bad about not knowing how mines work, despite the fact that obviously nobody involved knows how mines work. “It was probably confusing!” says Mark. “An hour ago, when I said ‘Good job, Doc — you led us right to it!‘ by ‘it’ I meant ‘a small cave, definitely not a mine, those are definitely two different things and I can easily distinguish between them!’ God, what a dope you are, Doc.”

Mary Worth, 8/1/19

Is this whole relationship going to revolve around quickly entering bodies of water together? I was going to make fun, but, you know, people can and have done a lot worse.