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Family Circus, 3/26/17

Big Daddy Keane’s defeated look as he slouches out to his car really makes this comic, in my opinion. “Ugh, my children … they’re disgusting! I’m certainly not going to touch them with my mouth! Just the image of them will haunt me all day!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/26/17

I sincerely hope that young man with the spray can turns out to be the elusive Banksy. Lem will find that the notional value of his property will skyrocket, but he’ll be unable to sell the art because to maintain its integrity it must remain in situ, so mostly he’ll have to deal with higher property taxes and irritating hipster tourists.

Mary Worth, 3/26/17

Port Canaveral? OH MY GOD TOBY AND MARY ARE GOING TO GET SHOT INTO SPACE

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Mary Worth, 3/23/17

Ahhhhhh yes, when it comes to finding bargains online, Toby sure knows how to pick them! Like the time she couldn’t find some boring-ass documentary for Ian at the video store so she had the brainstorm of ordering it online from enormoushop.com but then she got phished and criminal Canadians misused her card, which had literally zero consequences for her, but she was wracked with anxiety that Ian would leave her for her e-commerce incompetence, but it turned out that he didn’t, even though he hadn’t been particularly impressed by the documentary in the first place. What I’m trying to say is that Toby and Mary are going to go down to the Santa Royale docks where the special “low-cost cruise” is supposed to dock, only to have their organs harvested by the Serbian mob.

Crock, 3/23/17

Little Otis: still hanging out with Wadsworth the vulture, I guess? Anyway, today they’re talking about going to the mall (a vulture mall???) so that the boy can start forming romantic/sexual attachments to female vultures. Normally I think that kids today are far too sheltered, but I’m beginning to think that Otis’s parents should be providing a little more supervision in his life.

Dennis the Menace, 3/23/17

Demonstrating that the pious, simple maxims we repeat to each other and our children aren’t really compatible with the messy complexity of the human experience: definitely one of the most menacing things you can do.

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Mary Worth, 3/21/17

Ah, yes, just as predicted, Jeff would rather annoy his daughter and son-in-law than spend time with Mary on what I’m sure is a fully ADA-accessible cruise ship, which means that gal time on the high seas is go! I do like that Jeff thinks to ask if Ian is going too. Maybe’s hoping to lure the good Professor over to drink all of Adrian and Scott’s scotch and get some bro-bonding in! Sadly, Ian is out of town, so we won’t get to find out the depths of contempt in which ol’ Chinbeard holds Dr. Corey, who chose to use his doctorate to tend to vile human bodies, as opposed to plumbing the depths of English and Scots literature, as a creature pure mind would.

Family Circus, 3/21/17

It’s true: the smooth, pink, undifferentiated pink loaf-like material that makes up the Keane Kids’ bodies, now fully on display as we see them here with their shirts off, takes a while to absorb the Nutrient Fluid the technician is injecting into them. Remember kids, your weekly tune-up keeps your ghastly simulacrum of life vaguely believable!