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The Phantom, 5/14/20

The current Phantom poaching storyline has been boring enough that I haven’t covered it on this blog, at all, but if you think I’m going to not comment about a grinning guy sawing a lion heart in half in the daily newspaper, you’ve got another thing coming! Anyway, basically the plot was that an evil American poacher wounded a lion but didn’t pursue it to kill it, because he was a coward in addition to being evil, and so after the Ghost Who Saws Lion Hearts In Half handed over the poacher to Llongo Justice, he tracked down the wounded lion to put it out of its misery. And, well, you know, hunting lions is bad, but if things have come together in such a way that you have to a hunt a lion, for the lion’s sake, then you might as well cut the lion’s heart in half and feed part to your semi-tame wolf, right? Go ahead and saw it in half! It’s A-OK, in this fairly contrived scenario!

Mary Worth, 5/14/20

Nothing much to say about today’s Mary Worth except holy cow check out Jared’s absolute piece of shit car! I love that even though he’s the “winner” in his battle for Dawn’s affections, the strip wants to be very clear that his life is still sad and pathetic. Is that … duct tape? Are those two relatively small pieces of duct tape all that’s keeping the hood from flying open, which will presumably result in Jared veering wildly off the road and killing them both? Let’s hope!

Pluggers, 5/14/20

So you better not tell them to do it or they’ll stop doing it just to spite you and prove you’re not the boss of them, they don’t care how good an idea it is or how many people they kill

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The Phantom, 2/23/20

In the Sunday Phantom storyline, our hero is taking his daughter on a trip down memory lane (if you’re a Phantom or Phantom-adjacent, a “trip down memory lane” is your dad reading from a musty old journal while you sit in a creepy cave full of tombs) to teach her about her heroic Phantom ancestors. Did you know the 13th Phantom helped defeat Napoleon? This might seem a little far afield from the Phantom’s remit to fight against piracy, but surely by aiding the British and their Empire this hero helped defend his African home … wait, what’s that you say? Well, hmm, maybe he would’ve been smarter to let the French win, and … huh, that wouldn’t have helped either? Well gosh, our hero certainly was in a pickle, wasn’t he. Might as well stick it to Napoleon, I guess!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/23/20

I’ve always found the title Mozart In The Jungle to be so goofy that I’ve worked hard to learn as little as possible about the show, just because I want to savor that name out of context. But now? Now that I’ve seen Holly suggest it as tonight’s viewing, as she flashes bedroom eyes at Funky? Now it’s forever tainted to me. I still don’t want to learn anything about the show, but mainly because I fear it will cause me to have reason to think back upon today’s Funky Winkerbean, which can only depress me.

Beetle Bailey, 2/23/20

Beetle will only be satisfied by the eternal darkness … of the grave.

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Shoe, 1/5/20

I’m not sure what, exactly, this strip implies about the world in which Shoe takes place. Do the characters live in a parallel bird-dimension whose history echoes ours in many ways, with bird-Nixon and bird-Coolidge occupying at various points in the 20th century this universe’s equivalent of the White House, which I assume is perched precariously in a tree? Or are we meant to understand that the birds have been watching us for decades, with intellects intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, noting the coming and going of our human leaders, waiting for the right time to strike, to wipe us all out and take our comfy sweaters for their own?

The Phantom, 1/5/20

“See, Heloise, our line of shadowy puppetmasters, who kept native people under their sway via manipulation and fear, and who meticulously maintained their pure European bloodline despite living in Africa for centuries, were actually anti-colonialists. We’re the good guys!”

“Hmm, so why is it that European powers managed to colonize Africa anyway? Did our ancestors collab–”

“DON’T DECIDE YET, HELOISE, LET’S MOVE ON”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/5/20

Ha ha, it’s Aunt Hildy, June’s meddling, troublesome distant relative! What mischief is she getting into today? Why she’s … keeping the kids busy while Rex and June sleep in and helping make breakfast for everyone? Wow, can’t wait to see what kooky antics she gets into next!