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The Phantom, 3/3/17

Oh, man. Oh, man. I wish I had discussed with you you every single day of the current Phantom storyline, and also the last five to ten years of my life spent experiencing and participating in various self-marketing efforts, if it would’ve helped you appreciate how very, very funny I find this entire strip and its final panel in particular. The Ghost-Who-Walks may be the end product of a 23-generation all-white breeding experiment, and he might wear purple spandex and live in a cave in Africa and cultivate a legend of immortality and refuse to let anybody, even his wife or children, see him unmasked; but it in today’s social-media-saturated world where every single one of us is in one way or another trying to get a leg up in the attention economy, it is the Phantom’s violent refusal to let anybody promote his personal brand that sets him apart from ordinary mortals.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/3/17

Hey, remember fifteen months ago when Les had really bad writer’s block and all he could put down on paper was “Once upon a time”? Well, the part of my brain that obsessively stores comics plot trivia has blessedly failed to retain what book that was exactly, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s the same book he’s supposed to be writing with/for Darrin now, which he still hasn’t written any of, fifteen months later, because I want Les and everyone around him to feel bad.

Mark Trail, 3/3/17

Wow, Cherry, yesterday you were all het up about bears and ferret and prairie dog surveys and today you’re getting super aggro about tornados, and I gotta tell you: ratchet back! You can’t keep Mark safe in your cabin! He’s gonna go out there, survey some prairie dogs, punch a tornado, whatever! LET HIM LIVE HIS GOSH-DARNED LIFE, OK????

Mary Worth, 3/3/17

Boy, you know what’s gotta be a real drag? If one minute your mom is explaining how that she’ll always be there to help you through your battle with drug addiction but then she just stops in mid-sentence as she spots her boy-toy with his new girlfriend, and probably runs over there and makes a scene, much to everyone’s embarrassment. That’ll really hurt! And you know what really can dull that pain? Vicodin! Just saying!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/28/17

Hmm, it looks like we’re going to be seeing Loweezy and Elviney trade irregularly metered rhyming lines on the subject of Loweezy’s diet over the next few days! I’m looking forward to them becoming increasingly desperate for rhymes the week drags on. “Do you think the diet’ll keep the’ pounds off in the future, Lo?” “I’ll get in trouble with th’ preacher for this, but I’m gonna turn to witchcraft and do some scryin’!”

Hi and Lois, 2/28/17

Meanwhile, Hi and Lois continues with its quest to show us the soul-crushing emptiness of modern white-collar suburban life. Yesterday the strip tackled work; today, it tackles sex, as Hi attempts to weave romance into his overburdened family schedule, much to everyone else’s disgust.

Phantom, 2/28/17

So the current Phantom storyline involves Orson, this beardy dude, who doesn’t think the Phantom is real, trying to convince the Bangallan government to put out a stamp about the Phantom legend, which stamp will probably be bought up by a small group of international collectors and make a tidy sum for the Bangallan treasury and be completely ignored by the world at large. And so the Phantom has … brutalized and kidnapped Orson? And revealed himself as actually existing? To stop the stamp from being produced? I’m pretty sure the Ghost-Who-Walks is also the Ghost-Who-Seriously-Overrates-The-Influence-Of-Stamps and also the Ghost-Who’s-Never-Heard-Of-The-Streisand-Effect.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/2/17

[looks around anxiously] “Did you hear me? The Morgans are the real heroes here!” [speaking more loudly] “The Morgans! They’re the source of all good in our lives, and in the world! All hail the Morgans! They’re listening right now! [shouting now, really] I WOULD DIE FOR YOU, REX AND JUNE”

Funky Winkerbean, 2/2/17

Remember, kids, you only get to dodge death so many times, and you won’t know the day when your luck runs out until it arrives! Today’s Funky Winkerbean is extremely on brand.

The Phantom, 2/2/17

I may fail to keep you up to date on all the Phantom’s plotlines, but I promise you this: I will never, ever neglect to tell you about a strip that features a lovingly drawn closeup of the Phantom’s ass.