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Beetle Bailey, 9/24/16

Gotta respect the decision to have the characters completely commit emotionally here. In a strip where people are generally pretty blasé about horrific violence, General Halftrack seems genuinely terrified that he’s about to die.

Hi and Lois, 9/24/16

“They’re gonna cut off his thumbs! They’ll probably say something you like ‘Did you think this was a fuckin’ GAME’ right before they do it, too.”

Dennis the Menace, 9/24/16

Trotting out tired jokes a weatherman has heard over and over again? Not particularly menacing. Casually invading his personal space and resting your hand on his knee while you do it? Extremely menacing.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/24/16

HEY, HEY WERE YOU WORRIED THAT THE REX MORGAN, M.D., DISCUSSION OF THE ETHICS OF PATIENT-NURSE FLIRTING MIGHT NOT GO ON FOR EIGHT FULL DAYS?

WELL

GOOD NEWS

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/16/16

Wait whoops it looks like I personally haven’t talked about Rex Morgan, M.D., on this site since July? Maybe it’s because it’s honestly been kind of dull; artist Terry Beatty, having taken over the writing duties, seems to be quickly wrapping up some storylines (as covered by Uncle Lumpy) while the new ones haven’t quite gotten into gear and/or been ludicrous enough for me to feature here. That changes today though, as Rex is gravely concerned by some extremely mild flirting between Nurse Carter and Jordan The Avery Family’s Manservant, for obvious reasons. (The reasons are that Rex finds genuine human emotional connection repugnant and doesn’t like it when other people “ram it down his throat.”)

Spider-Man, 9/16/16

Be careful, Jonah! Sure, it may seem like helping Ant-Man is your shortcut to seizing back control of your beloved Daily Bugle, but just think: if you do this, you’ll help set a precedent that it’s somehow “wrong” for the publisher of a major daily newspaper to kidnap or otherwise harm a superhero! This would be a grievous blow against our nation’s sacred First Amendment, as well as several of your active vendettas.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/16/16

We make fun of the gloom of the Funkyverse around here, but I think it’s worth pointing out that the actual conflicts in the strip tend to be not amongst the actual main cast, but against unstoppable, impersonal forces like “cancer” or “the war,” or strawman outsiders or designated villainous recurring characters like Becky’s mom; our heroes generally have a sort of we’re-all-in-it-together solidarity. But now, Comic Book John, a long-standing “good” character, has pieced together the plot of Starbuck Jones from publicity stills and posted it to the internet, which interferes with the publicity plans of the creators of the movie, some of whom are also long-standing “good” characters. I am very excited for the new, Hobbsean phase of Funky Winkerbean, the war of all against all, in which the misery will be flying fast and furious from all sides, dished out and suffered in equal measure.

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/14/16

All week long we’ve been enduring tell-don’t-show conversations about “hazing” followed by weak-sauce wordplay, ain’t-it-awful mopery, and one incredibly off “joke” about depriving a sick old man of his oxygen. So I suppose we should be glad that Sunday’s strip finally shows us some actual hazing? And even more glad that hazing is now a thing of the past, having been overcome through unspecified single-handed efforts by our chop-jawed heroine Becky here?

Nope! This is Funky Winkerbean, and that last panel is there to show us that no matter how good things may seem, somebody suffers. Somebody always suffers.

PS. If you really want to suffer, try taking a nap on a Sousaphone some time.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/14/16

After learning that Dolly Pierpont artificially spun up Sarah’s career by buying all her horsey pictures and museum books, Rex spent the week telling her to back the hell off with the chauffeur-driven Mercedes, private-school tuition, art lessons, museum donations, and soirée guest-of-honor slots, and let Sarah earn her own honors. Dude, who are you, and what have you done with the real Rex Morgan?

Now we learn that Dolly was only trying to buy Sarah as a replacement for her dear departed Linda. You know, if she’d come to Rex with that deal in the first place, I’m sure they could’ve worked something out.

Judge Parker, 8/14/16 (panels)

I’ll spare you more “Neddy has a sad” panels. The real action is rolling down from Morristown in the rain, doubtless approaching Chekhov’s Curve off the main road to Alpine Pass. Enjoy A Sip Of vodka, Zeke and Ms. Honey “Does Not Understand Inventory Management” Ballenger – you’re in for a long night!

Well, that’s it for me. Thanks for a fun week — Josh will be back bright and early Monday.

— Uncle Lumpy