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Mary Worth, 5/22/17

Oh, did you think that Entertainer Esmé’s sinister plan to win Derek’s love by locking his wife Katie in a Haitian bathroom failed just because Derek quickly found and rescued her? Well, you’ve got another thing coming! Look at the sinister, knowing way she’s gazing down at the grateful but rattled Hoosiers. Obviously she never expected Katie to stay in that bathroom for long. Obviously that was just the first move in a very long game of sexual chess that ends with Derek as her lover. I remain extremely here for this storyline, is what I’m saying.

Marvin, 5/22/17

I don’t really keep up with the “game show scene” so I had to actually Google to see if Can You Top This? were a real game show. It’s not, unless you want to count an “unrehearsed” “radio panel game” from the 1940’s “in which comedians told jokes and tried to top one another”, which, around here we call that a podcast, not a game show. Anyway, it took me a minute to realize that, unlike poor Bubba Watson, Drew Carey isn’t quite being referred to by name here, which makes sense because you’d think drawing a public figure presiding over a game show where dead-eyed contestants describe getting hit in the face with streams of urine would open you up to lawsuits.

Blondie, 5/22/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because Mr. Dithers’s wife doesn’t want to spend time with him!

Pluggers, 5/22/17

Pluggers’ day-to-day lives involve coming up with coping strategies as their accumulated filth piles up around them. It’s really quite sad!

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Mary Worth, 5/21/17

Oh, wow, Derek is absolutely furious here and I love it. “We left the States to get some peace… only to get this! My wife was briefly unable to open a bathroom door, which is definitely the worst thing to ever happen to an American overseas! Fuck foreign countries, man! I’m going home and running for Congress on a ‘Build A Protective Dome Around America Which Neither Heat Nor Light Can Penetrate’ platform!”

Blondie, 5/21/17

I’m giving you the whole comic for context, but mostly I’m posting this so you can understand why the phrase “WOO-HOO! BABY CAMEL GONNA CHUG SOME H₂0” will be haunting my nightmares — and, presumably, yours — for years to come.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/21/17

But … Barney, you’re wearing a bowler cap and a vest and white gloves and you’re riding a horse and … oh, God, he doesn’t know, he can recognize that others are trapped forever in time like a fly in a spider’s web but can’t recognize that he’s in the same prison, this is a nightmare

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Dennis the Menace, 5/20/17

Ooh, look at that facial expression on Dennis: that’s the look of a kid who, against his better judgement and true sentiment, is about to agree with a bigger, meaner kid and mock his good pal Mr. Wilson for his low-tech ways. Dennis is about to become the most menacing things around: someone who, under social pressure from a bully, turns on one of his friends.

Pluggers, 5/20/17

Whoa there, this panel is veering dangerously towards questioning plugger orthodoxy on the Second Amendment, which among other things dictates that boxes of ammunition should be the easiest kinds of packages to open! Anyway, this plugger’s facial expression indicates that someone in the supply chain that produced this bag of chips is soon going to be tasting hot lead; unfortunately, it’s probably going to not be the packaging engineer who designed the bag but rather the poor sap at the gas station who sold it to him.

Family Circus, 5/20/17

As a rule, I assume all Family Circus panels consist of repurposed art from 1975 or earlier, and sometimes when the caption refers to contemporary pop culture or technology, I try to guess what the original was. In this case, I’m thinking it was “You hang that up right now, Jeffy! Phones don’t work in cars! This is the devil’s work, do you hear me? THE DEVIL’S WORK”