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Beetle Bailey, 2/1/14

Ha ha, isn’t this an enjoyable image? Two digestive systems, a man’s and a dog’s, growling with animal rage, and eventually bursting forth on their own terrible volition, blood and gore everywhere, grappling with each other, still connected to the man and the dog by a trail of steaming viscera. From the creators of the foulest Japanese horror manga? Or from one of America’s best-loved whimsical newspaper comics?

Better Half, 2/1/14

This one’s probably more disturbing, though? First off, nobody finds CPR erotic, despite it being an opportunity for meet-cute and/or gay panic in a thousand movies and TV shows. Second, you shouldn’t do CPR on a cat. Third, AUGH AUGH AUGH THE LIPS THE CAT’S LIPS GROOOOSSSSS

Blondie, 2/1/14

Ha ha, it’s funny because the Bumsteads’ finances are in the process of imploding, and Blondie does not want to know about it.

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Hey all, your comments of the week momentarily, but first a gentle reminder about these programming notes, OK? OK! Now let’s get to the top comment:

“I love the way he stands there with the toilet gloves on, after having just used them to clean out the bowl, casually crossing his arms across his chest and the shirt he will wear for the rest of his senior year.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

And the hilarious runners up!

“Wait, there’s actually a drawing of the fawn. Isn’t that a violation of whatever ‘Under no circumstances will we draw what the characters are talking about’ Dogme95 principles that Apartment 3-G operates under?” –matt w

“If Tom Batiuk would just stay true to his pun-loving self, he’d have had Les say in the last panel, ‘Sounds like a blast.’ C’mon, Tom! Get with it!” –Larry McAwful

“Man, I stop reading Apartment 3-G for just six years, and they change everything on me. I mean, Tommie got a haircut? What the hell?” –Captain Thunder

“Maybe, for the sake of comfort, sanity, and the health of their knees, they shouldn’t have their car seats pushed as far forward as they can possibly go for the whole trip. Just getting out of that baby pink Malibu Stacy dream buggy will make them feel 20 years younger.” –Joe Blevins

“But apart from the felony assault, it’s smooooooth sailing to the playdowns for Milford.” –Chyron HR

Rex Morgan: “As Buck proceeds toward enlightenment through humiliation and mortification of the flesh, the Anja Chakra becomes more prominent — soon a literal third eye will open on his forehead where the nail entered and he will transcend this plane of existence. If only Rex were qualified to study the process, the secrets of the pineal gland could be his!” –Master Softheart

“Man, I feel for Mommy and Kid. Later, when they’re feeling better about the whole situation, they’ll realize they will forever associate the Bum Boat with this depressing conversation and never be able to go there again. As opposed to most of the citizens of Santa Royale, who avoid the Bum Boat because that’s where Mary hangs out. Also, I have a feeling the clam strips are just awful.” –Lily Sincere

“Boy, the word ‘interesting’ is is sure being downgraded today. A bird with something on its leg? INTERESTING! A man is a taxidermist? INTERESTING! Rusty’s eyes go jet-black when he mentions that Mark is writing a new story? INTE–no wait, TERRIFYING!” –pugfuggly

“I like to think that, as the mother dissolves into tears in panel two, the two Big Mouth Billy Bass fixtures The Bum Boat’s restaurant manager has injudiciously placed right next to one another began singing ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ and ‘Take Me To The River’ in horrifying cacophonous unison, a perfect reflection of the mother’s divided mind: should she put her husband behind her without a second thought, or throw herself into the conveniently-located sea that has tempted so many other Bum Boat patrons?” –Doug Wykstra

“I like to think that someone left out an ellipsis in Margo’s last word balloon: ‘You win … this time.’ Revenge, like venison, is a dish best served cold.” –Pozzo

“Of course the reporter lady is not interested in the oldest existing copy of ‘The Song of Roland.’ That doesn’t mean that the Phantom couldn’t take a tip from Jughaid and really sell the second panel of the strip. While saying ‘This is the tenth! The oldest of all!’ he needs to swing his arm over his head, his cowl and mask need to fly in the air, and his tongue needs to loll out. A bow tie wouldn’t hurt either. C’mon, give her a little Ghost Who Razzle-Dazzles.” –Dr. Mabuse

“Tommie not only thinks she’s a mother, she thinks she’s a mother kangaroo! At least all the fawn poop ends up in one place this way.” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

“The woman in the third panel (I haven’t got the slightest idea of her name and have no desire to know) seems shocked to find herself in the territory of discount wine distributors. It would ruin my vacation.” –nescio

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Shoe, 1/31/14

Comics and other media that present us with a world of anthropomorphic animals generally elide the problem of what that universe’s relationship between predator and prey is like. But it’s hard to avoid if you spend any amount of time thinking about it. Take the birds of Shoe, for instance: the Perfesser is an osprey, according to this unsettlingly detailed chart on the strip’s Wikipedia page. What about the sea life that forms his natural diet? Did they have hopes and dreams? Did any of those fish or mollusks have mothers that they loved? Did they ever feel the stirrings of romance or the icy breath of their own mortality? Today we learn the awful truth: that the squid do indeed have their own independent society, an undersea counterpart to the Shoe gang’s Treetops, and that its leaders are happy to lead predator birds to the regions of that nation where the most vulnerable take shelter. The poor, the mentally ill, the squid who fall through the cracks? They aren’t Squidtown’s problem. They’re food for someone else. And if the squid leadership looks the other way, then the rest of their culture is left alone. This is the worst kind of nightmare.

Apartment 3-G, 1/31/14

Speaking of the worst kinds of nightmare, who on earth could look at the awful top half of that deer head and think “she’s beautiful” and not “AHHH AHHH AHHH GET IT AWAY FROM GET IT AWAY FROM ME”? To be fair, Lu Ann used to be (still is? who even knows) a kindergarten art teacher at a fancy Manhattan school, which means that she probably needs to be very good at smiling and saying nice things about little monsters.

Judge Parker, 1/31/14

Ha ha, look at Judge Parker Senior’s face in that last panel! I’ve decided I’m just going to stop worrying and learn to love his hilariously oblivious privilege-stumble through danger. Car chases? Whee! Snakes? Lovely! Forming an uneasy alliance with narco-terrorists? Charming! It’s not like he’s in the law enforcement game anymore, is he?