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Slylock Fox, 6/23/14

OK, sorry, yes, Patty Opossum put her ring in the soup, blah blah, but I really can’t get past the fact that Patty wants her soup in … a bag? I mean, I get what the implication is, but all I can visualize is the snooty French waiter-dog just straight-up pouring that whole bowl into a paper bag and making a sloshy, oozy, mess, which will soon burst open, leaving a huge soup-puddle, and a diamond ring sitting right in the middle of it. Slylock and Max know what’s coming, and are leaning forward is silent anticipation.

Better Half, 6/23/14

Better Half update: Stanley’s descent into madness continues as he takes the phrase “you’re your own worst enemy” far too literally.

Family Circus, 6/23/14

Ha ha, Billy, your mom is just throwing some generic “Flakies” at you before she gets in her car and drives away forever. Do you really think there’ going to be a lunch? Sucker!

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Mary Worth, 6/22/14

Oops, here’s the real sad story behind Olive’s neglectful parents: they don’t have time to figure out how important li’l Olive’s visions are because they’re too busy having sex! Mary’s passive-aggressive criticism of this will be amazing.

Judge Parker, 6/22/14

Speaking of having sex, everyone in Judge Parker is about to have sex! I’d say this is survival sex, that the adrenaline that was pumping through everyone’s veins during the near-violet confrontation with the Gardia brother has left them all in a heightened and aroused state, but let’s be real: these are Spencer-Drivers-Parkers. They were never in any danger and they knew it.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 6/22/14

I think … Dennis just taunted his dad for neglecting his mother, sexually? Not sexy at all, actually, but extremely menacing.

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Mark Trail, 6/21/14

Looks like Mark’s new safari buddies Chris and Lori are going to reproduce the Jessica and Marlin dynamic: virtuous wife who likes Mark married to evil husband who is immediately suspicious of Mark. Is Chris a secret rhino-horn poacher/Jacob Hickman kidnapper? Probably! Still, it’s not fair to say he’s unemployed, since being Guile from the Street Fighter video game series is probably a pretty good gig.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/21/14

Hey, were you wondering how the drama with Les’s terrible cancer-porn screenplay is affecting Les and Cayla’s sex life? No? Well, too bad, because it’s been bad for their sex life. Bad. They’re not having sex. If you know what I mean. Wait, of course you know what I mean, because I was very up front about it. Anyway, I guess if you had to learn the answer to the yes/no question “Have Les and Cayla had sex lately?” then it’s marginally better that the answer be “no,” but really, not by much.