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Hagar the Horrible, 11/14/18

You know there’s an “uncensored” version of this where Sven is out there pulling gold teeth out of corpses, and that armor glove at the right in panel two is a severed hand. Honestly, given the level of editorial oversight the syndicated comics have seen lately, that probably could’ve run in the paper and nobody would’ve noticed.

Gil Thorp, 11/14/18

Sadly, this plotline continues to spiral downward away from wacky hijinks, and today has reached the depressing end state of far too many Gil Thorp plots, where Gil And Kaz Solemnly Decide To Do The Right Thing Even Though It’ll Cost Them. BORING!

Mark Trail, 11/14/18

Oh, hey, you’re probably wondering what’s going on in Mark Trail! Specifically, you’re probably wondering “Is Rusty’s mouth becoming an increasingly puckered and inhuman orifice, a baffling and unnerving opening in his face-flesh?” I regret to inform you that the answer is yes.

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Blondie, 11/13/18

One of the more unpleasant transformations of Dagwood Bumstead over the years has been the process by which we’ve moved from “Ha ha, Dagwood sure likes to eat comically large sandwiches!” to “Dagwood is an Appetite who lives to Consume.” Today’s strip is particularly disturbing: Dagwood has, for as long as he can remember, been uniquely able to communicate with turkeys in their own language. Does this give him more empathy for the majestic birds? No. Seeing into their minds, understanding their desires, hearing their pleas for mercy — to Dagwood, that only makes them more delicious.

Gil Thorp, 11/13/18

Welp, it looks like the vaguely exciting notion of Tiki being an imposter has given way to the much duller reality of Tiki’s family engaging in low-level fraud. The final panel makes the completely implausible suggestion that the Milford athletic department somehow has higher standards than the rest of the school administration.

Marvin, 11/13/18

Sometimes Marvin does half-assed plots or at least “theme” weeks, so let me just assure you that nothing like that is happening here! There was no setup or anything yesterday for this: a comic where a toddler has been thrown into a cage full of angry feral dogs who are probably seconds away from eating him.

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Spider-Man, 11/12/18

So in the last couple of weeks, the guest stars of both the last Newspaper Spider-Man plotline and of the one just getting under way today both had their Netflix shows cancelled over the past month, which raises an important question: is Newspaper Spider-Man the hell to which peripheral Marvel characters are condemned if they don’t prosper in the marketplace of ideas? Anyway, everything I know about Luke Cage comes from watching the first season of Jessica Jones, and my impression was always that his whole deal was more about his indestructible skin rather than uncontrollable super strength. And really, check out the way that he’s delicately holding what I assume is one of those tiny paper cups you get from the dispenser by the water cooler. It’s his way of saying “I didn’t have to knock this door off its hinges, but, you know, I decided to knock it off its hinges anyway.”

Slylock Fox, 11/12/18

The main thing that concerns me about today’s Slylock is what’s going to happen to that poor li’l baby ape once Harry and his mom get hauled away in handcuffs thanks to some extremely circumstantial evidence and Slylock’s ratiocination. Does animal society have some equivalent of the human foster care system? Or is he just going to be returned to the forest to fend for himself?

The Lockhorns, 11/12/18

It is, of course, entirely believable that the Lockhorns, having alienated all their friends with their palpable mutual loathing, would end up having a tiny birthday party, just the two of them, for Loretta. But I will never get over the fact that the birthday girl, in a desperate attempt to try to inject a certain sense of fun into this deeply grim occasion, has put on a whimsical party hat, and Leroy stubbornly refused to get on board. He won’t even give her this.