Funky Winkerbean, 4/22/14
Welp, at last, Jess has solved the mystery of why her father was murdered. It’s not just because he was a dick that nobody liked; it’s because one of the people to whom he was a dick disliked him so much that he decided he deserved to be killed. Shouldn’t she be filming this or something?
Judge Parker, 4/22/14
Hahaha, remember when Abbott gave April a bunch of diamonds of mysterious provenance? Well, apparently they were a wedding present for Randy (a dowry, maybe?), and also bait to lure the Gardia brothers into a firefight they can’t win, and, well, if Randy gets killed in the crossfire while April safely wanders around the jungle looking for Katherine, then I don’t think too many people are going to lose sleep over that, do you?
Apartment 3-G, 4/22/14
Oh, man, I love that Tommie is just holding the phone away from her head as Margo launches into her freakout. “Not coming home – I don’t undersand. What’s going on?! Who’s going to cook me dinner?!? I’m getting hungry! Tommie? Tommie?”
Gil Thorp, 4/22/14
In case you’re wondering what’s going on with wacky klutzy Lucky Haskins and Amy Lange: Lucky has convinced Amy that she can improve her luck by rubbing his head. That isn’t a euphemism for anything, though as you can see here their encounters are suffused with a certain queasy eroticism.
Good news, everyone! Spider-Man and “Iron Jonah” aren’t going to be killed by plummeting into the arch in Washington Square Park because they’ve been saved by Iron Man at the last minute. Since the whole point of this crisis was that Jonah was going too fast and any impact would leave him smeared all over the inside of that outdated Iron Man suit, I’m not sure how Iron Man SLAMMing into him at full speed is really much of a solution, but any denouement in which Spidey’s rescue attempt is upstaged by another, better superhero is OK with me.
Heathcliff and his ex-con dad have trained an army of bee henchmen! Nobody can touch them now.
Funky Winkerbean, 4/18/14
Oh, whoops, it looks like Jess did read Les’s book after all. It’s just that she thought she could make a documentary that would explore the motivations behind her father’s murder without talking to her father’s murderer! Which seems … like it wouldn’t have worked very well? We learn by doing, I guess!
Anyway, given the air of understandable seriousness in this strip, you’re probably finding the phrase “aka the Plantman” kind of jarring. Well, thanks to faithful reader/novelty Twitter handle owner BatLesMoore, I can now reveal to you the strip where John Darling’s killer tried to take out Les:
Funky Winkerbean, 8/4/97
I have literally no idea what led up to this or followed it — presumably we’ll learn more later in this storyline — but it’s an interesting look at the Funkyverse as it transitioned from zany and whimsical to realistic and grim. Which is a nice way of saying it’s completely bonkers! Les is being tied up and held at gunpoint but a guy dressed up as a plant! I am now very much looking forward to Jess’s jailhouse interview with this maniac. The first question I’m eager to see answered: is he allowed to wear his plant costume in prison, for “religious reasons”?
Another important thing to note about that old strip is that the killer is Peter Mossman, not Pete Moss, and his alter ego was Plantman, not the Plantman, so maybe it’s more accurate to say that Jess skimmed Les’s book.
So Momma is hanging out with … Tina? Or some other random young woman who’s never been in the strip before and never will be again? Whatever, the important thing to note is that Francis is so excited about his “theme music” that he’s vibrating like a tuning fork. Psychotic breaks from reality that cause you to believe you’re on a TV show and an unseen audience is watching and enjoying your every move can be fun, kids!
Mary Worth, 4/17/14
WHAT A TWIST! It turns out that it’s not just Tommy who’s too darn lazy to get off his duff and get a job; his mom is a shiftless bum too! “I don’t want a lot of talk about putting in the effort of learning how to bake, Mary,” she thinks to herself. “Just hand over the goddamn muffins! mmm, just gonna visualize Tommy lounging around back at the apartment while I go to town on this. He sure isn’t learning how to bake! Stay strong, Iris!”
Better Half, 4/17/14
It’s true, Stanley, a cool way to lose weight would be if you were just a smooth spheroid with no openings or internal structure, just a blob of living matter with no mouth or way to digest nourishment, yep yep yep not horrifying at all no sir
Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/14
Wait, but … but … Les already solved this, in his book about John Darling? OH MY GOD NOT EVEN JESSICA READ LES’S BOOK