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Dick Tracy, 1/17/12

Hey, everybody, the Dick Tracy gang is on the case, going undercover in a hip (?) nightclub to track down an actual gang, of the drug-smuggling variety, who something something son of old friend of Dick yadda yadda guy named Cueball blah blah cocaine hidden in instrument cases. (Hint to the cops: There are two Cueballs, or Cueball has a twin, or something!) Anyhoo, I mainly want to bring your attention to the little explanatory label in the first panel. Normally these kinds of boxes-with-arrows in Dick Tracy are used to identify bits of improbable high-tech crime-fighting gear, but today’s example mostly seems to be all about assuring us that our law enforcement officers aren’t having even the slightest bit of fun on their mission, so please let’s not have Internal Affairs auditing our expenses, please.

Luann, 1/17/12

Oh snap Ann Eiffel just outed TJ! Or maybe she just intended to insult him in a somewhat homophobic and mildly actionable manner? Either way, even though we’re only like two days into it, I think Ann vs. TJ is going to be less fun than I’d hoped, like everything else that ever happened in Luann ever.

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Luann, 12/5/11

Wasn’t there some zany plot a few years back where various De Groot family members and hangers-on wanted to know what TJ did for a living, but never could figure it out, largely because for mysterious reasons they refused to just ask him? I feel a sense of pride in the fact that I can’t actually remember how this worked out, and I refuse to look it up, but I’m definitely intrigued by his decision to charm his way into Anne Eiffel’s employ here, by describing how he caused a competing fast food restaurant to unwittingly violate child labor laws. Presumably he’s planning to bring Weenie World down from the inside, but all of TJ’s schemes inevitably backfire horribly, so perhaps he’ll accidentally triple hot dog sales and help Anne get promoted to CEO? Whatever the potential outcome, let’s all enjoy panel two, which illustrates the fact that TJ, who means well but is always plotting something, is forever perched on the seam between light and darkness.

Gil Thorp, 12/5/11

If I didn’t know any better I’d think that Brody Abro had his Asperger’s so thoroughly cured that he grew a little chin-tuft and let some soul-patched tattoo artist hover beefily over him. But I do know better, so probably the beard is supposed to indicate that this is shaggy-haired blond fellow with a face almost exactly like Brody’s is not actually Brody, but rather some new Mudlark with a silly name who we’re supposed to get attached to over the course of basketball season.

So, yeah, it’s an exciting new storyline! Involving tattoos! Just a tip: it’s not really that reassuring when you feel compelled to explicitly tell your customers that you follow the basic rules of hygiene for your profession. It’s like a waitress putting your food in front of you and saying, unprompted, “Don’t worry, the kitchen staff have all washed their hands today, and none of them have any open sores.” Maybe this attitude was OK in your prison tattoo business, Mr. Soul Patch, but you’ve rented a venerable Milford storefront now! Time to kick your professionalism up a notch.

Mary Worth, 12/5/11

Looks like Mary is going to be haunted by this missing child poster forever! Eventually her grinning face will be all Mary sees, every day. What could be the cause of this descent into madness? I’m hoping that Mary’s the real kidnapper, and that the haunting poster always floating at the corner of her vision is her version of the tell-tale heart.

Apartment 3-G, 12/5/11

“I’ve been there! By which I mean I totally made out with your dead husband. Back when he was alive, obviously! Did I forget to tell you this?”

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Apartment 3-G, 12/1/11

OMG you guys, it’s retro-fitted continuity in Apartment 3-G! A3G trufans know that way back in the mists of time (i.e., the ’60s) Lu Ann was married to fighter pilot Gary Powers, whose plane was shot down over Vietnam. I look forward to seeing how exactly this all is going to be wedged into the present-day action (for certain limited definitions of “present-day” and “action”) in the strip. Here are some fun facts if you want to feel old and/or bummed about how long America’s current various wars have been happening: if the strip is going to stick with the Lu-Ann-is-a-tragic-war-widow idea, it’s possible to keep this seven-year time frame and still have Gary killed in Iraq or Afghanistan! Hell, I was blogging about this damn strip seven years ago. Oh, God, I’ve wasted my life! (Ha ha, just kidding, time spent obsessing over the minutia of Apartment 3-G has earned me the love of millions and is time well spent, or SO I KEEP TELLING MYSELF.)

Luann, 12/1/11

So yesterday Brad got his job back because a firefighter named “Sanchez” moved to “Spain,” which didn’t seem worthy of comment, but I do feel compelled to make note of his unseemly joy. Although I generally recoil in disgust when Brad and Toni are physically affectionate, it’s just as well Toni smooches Brad into silence when she does, as there’s nothing he could follow up “when” with that wouldn’t be embarrassing. “See, I told you that I’d get my job back through deus ex machina, based on absolutely no effort of my own, if only I waited long enough! Good things happen when you think magically!”

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Luann, 11/26/11

Ha ha, you guys, aren’t Brad and Toni the best? I’m sure seeing Toni talk vaguely about marrying Brad won’t make you puke your guts out at all. Anyway, egged on by TJ, she’s come to announce that either the fire department will hire Brad back or she’ll quit, which, since Brad also quit his job, means that their married life together will start off great, in poverty. But don’t worry! She’s about to describe the awesome majesty of their love to her boss, which will magically increase the department’s budget enough to pay them both.

Family Circus and Dennis the Menace, 11/26/11

I have to admit that I kind of love both of these panels, mostly because they appear to contain precisely zero jokes between them. Dennis has been tricked into doing yard work with the promise of fun, and he resents it; Jeffy is too stupid to operate a sink. That’s all there is! And maybe I’m in an unnaturally good mood, even after reading Luann, but that’s enough for me today.

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Luann, 11/10/11

GOD DAMN IT DO I REALLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT LUANN? FINE. So, here’s a thing I noticed about Luann: Check out how broad-shouldered and grim-faced and bad-ass Brad is looking in panel one there. Does it remind you of anything? Like, maybe the strip from last week where Toni strode off in triumph from WeenieWorld, after having physically threatened Brad’s boss?

Even the jacket is more or less the same! This probably means that “Brad” and “Toni” are actually two different aspects of the same individual’s personality. The question is, who’s the real one and who’s the delusion? I’m certainly hoping Toni is the projection, because really, who would want to make up Brad, even in their subconscious, gross.

Seeing that panel from last week in isolation also makes me realize that Anne is moonlighting at the mall as one of Santa’s elves, which means that her erratic behavior may be a result of stress brought on by overwork.

Hi and Lois, 11/10/11

Not wanting to know about the contents of your hot dog is actually a pretty good policy. Don’t worry, kids, there’s not much nutritive difference between “cow anus” and “turkey cloaca.” And turkey dogs are still chock-full of the delicious nitrates you love!

Apartment 3-G, 11/10/11

Ha ha, Lu Ann, Paul has already seen the wedding dress, since it was worn by his mother and all his sisters and sisters-in-law for every Linsky Compound wedding ever! It is probably all moldy and disgusting, like this one, but wearing it is an inviolable Tradition, just like the ceremonial head-shaving/lobotomy during the reception.

Spider-Man, 11/10/11

“Yup, I knew! But I still passed out and let myself be chained up anyway. Actually succeeding at something … it just didn’t feel like me, you know?”

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Slylock Fox, 11/7/11

Oh, Reeky! Foiled by the waiter’s clumsiness … and some dirty snitch who will be getting a Reeky-style ass-kicking as soon as Reeky can post bail, obviously. Still, you have to wonder if this little restaurant heist hasn’t compromised our rodent antihero’s dignity a little bit. Reeky normally styles his hair to show his contempt for society, whether he’s wearing it in a resplendent pompadour/mullet, or maybe just a shag dyed manic panic red. For this job at a snooty restaurant, though, he apparently feels compelled to shape his hair into some kind of hideous helmet, which is presumably the sort of haircut that he thinks would be worn by a respectable people, whom he views through a veil of seething class-based contempt. I dearly hope that his plan was to whip off this awful wig and let his true ’do cascade magnificently down his neck, right before he pulled out his gun and snarled out his demand that the assembled bougies start handing over their valuables.

Luann, 11/7/11

So, things have been happening in Luann, and I guess I’m supposed to be telling you about them? See, Toni physically threatened Brad’s boss and we’re supposed to like her and … no, wait, uh, see, Toni and Anne are jockeying for Brad’s sexual favors and … gah, no, um, Brad needs this minimum wage job at Weenie World to maintain his dignity, and … er, by which I mean, Anne is thrusting her breasts around because Brad is supposed to be desirable, I guess, and you know what? I can’t do it. Look up the archives if you really need the info, I can’t deal with it.

Judge Parker, 11/7/11

“The problem is she doesn’t have a boy, and the solution is that she’s buying one! It’s like you’re not even paying attention.”

Apartment 3-G, 11/7/11

Ha ha, Ruby’s swivel-headed look of horror in panel two is priceless. “Lu Ann, I’ve held my tongue about your pre-marital whoring because I know that’s how they do things in the big city, but I will not let the sanctity of wedding dress symbolism be violated! Your dress is champagne colored or I walk.“

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Judge Parker, 10/21/11

In Judge Parker, teenage boobs are facing off against other teenage boobs!

Luann, 10/21/11

In Luann, Brad is being sexually harassed by boobs, and by unsettlingly shaped hair!

Pluggers, 10/21/11

Fortunately, Pluggers is pretty much without boobs. But not without intrigue! Sure, Mr. Bear-Man, you’re drunk-dialing that dude form junior high who you “experimented” with and haven’t spoken to since just to “use up your remaining minutes,” whatever.

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Mark Trail, 10/12/11

Hey, the gang’s back together again, and Kelly’s in full vixen mode: look how she line-jumps poor Andy to plant one on Mark. Kelly, you want to get with this guy, take a tip from Andy and use a lot more tongue.

Apartment 3-G, 10/12/11

“Yes, don’t forget his family — his creepy, intrusive, controlling family who will live right next door to you in New Jersey. Because I’m pretty sure they’re won’t forget you, what with the 24-hour surveillance and all.”

Family Circus, 10/12/11

Dolly, don’t taunt others for developmental conditions beyond their control. It sets a precedent you may regret.

Luann, 10/12/11

“Still other times I’d stand astride you with a whip shrieking ‘Grovel, worm!’ while you groveled, like a worm. Seriously, Knute — how are you not getting any of this?”

Fundraiser update

Bible Bird Bands for all contributions received by Tuesday 5:00 PM EDT are in the mail — First Class, just like you, generous readers! Once you’ve crafted yours into some uniquely personal objet or form of adornment, why not send Josh a picture for a future Metapost, at bio@jfruh.com?

In a brazen attempt to capitalize on the wave of Bible Bird Band enthusiasm sweeping the Internet, Audubon has teamed up with 20th Century Fox to promote the new birding movie The Big Year with a contest they call Birding the Net. In the words of the press release, “The game will go viral….” Whoa!

Well, no worm for you, Audubon! Wrong Century, 20th! The game have already gone viral, and the Net has already been birded by generous Comics Curmudgeon contributors! Check it out right here on GOOSETRAX — the fully-interactive Google Maps-based goose tracker. Double-click or use the slider to zoom in, click and drag to reposition, click icons to see their tags, and pull the little golden man onto the map to see Street View where available. No matter what your question, GOOSETRAX has your Anser.

GOOSETRAX (full details and Privacy Policy here.)

Put yourself on the map, with a generous donation to The Comics Curmudgeon!

Mark Trail’s Greatest Hits – a Fall Fundraiser special, part 3

Mark Trail — 11/22/06, 1/14, 2/25, 4/19, 5/21/08

— Uncle Lumpy

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Your comment of the week shortly, but, first a very important note from a faithful reader who (for obvious reasons) wishes to go nameless! I haven’t been covering Luann for a while, so you’ll have to trust me when I say that the long-simmering fight between Toni and Anne Eiffel for Brad’s squishy, passive love is proceeding apace! But what if it weren’t long-simmering? What if it were hot and fast and happening all at once? Wouldn’t you like Luann artist Greg Evans to draw that for you? Well, he has, on his blog. YOU’RE WELCOME EVERYBODY.

Aaaand now that you’re done contemplating that, why not contemplate the comment of the week?

“I don’t mean to get all legalistic, but Miranda warnings do not go with ‘today’s litigious society.’ What you really need is some joke combining ‘McDonald’s coffee’ and ‘poop.'” –Lawyerbob

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Seriously? A motor home? You can just do it right there in the barn, ya know. The horse ain’t gonna tell.” –Apeman

“That’s actually the North Beech diet, referring to a particular tree on Smith property. Its bark was Loweezy’s sole sustenance for three weeks. She lost 25 pounds and her upper lip, but then she switched to a sweetgum and packed it all back on.” –Walker of Dog

“Slylock picked the panda because the panda is totally okay with going six months without getting laid.” –commodorejohn

“Max Mouse is being viciously sexually harassed by that crab. Only the fish and seagull are horrified to see Max so mishandled; the dockworkers are indifferent, Slylock and his colleague are willfully unaware, the wolf and walrus are titillated, and the panda is too baked on eucalyptus to make his eyes converge on any one fixed point.” –A.E.F.

“Gramma Rose definitely has the high trousers fast talking routine down. What do you think about kids? What type of underwear are you wearing? Do you bathe in the nude? Who are you? Suppose to say I’m supposing. What do you mean by that! Well that’s just a fine set of crackers.” –Government Cheese

“Gasoline Alley: Where ugly people say pointless things. Forever.” –Lorne

“I really enjoy how far away Lois is from this man. ‘DITTO NEEDS SOME NEW SCHOOL CLOTHES! … NO, I SAID ‘DITTO’! MY SON! YES, HIS NAME IS DITTO! WHAT? I’M SORRY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU ALL THE WAY OVER HERE! DON’T COME ANY CLOSER! I’M MARRIED!!!'” –Austria

“I’m not sure if the hallway to Petey and MJ’s apartment is higher than their floor (and with no step down, to boot), or if the newspaper is levitating. No wonder MJ has to strike such an awkward pose just to approach the paper. Could this be the work of Forced Perspective Man? ‘Ha ha! I will use my incredible powers of bending time and space to provide minor inconveniences to Spider-Man so that he will whine himself to death! My plan is perfect!'” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

Oh and also there is this long and amazing comment from longtime reader/commenting hero Master Softheart, which is not the first comment of his that made me say, “Gee, I wish I had written that.”

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Luann, 8/5/11

As promised (threatened?), Brad’s sexual harassment at the hands of sexy sex predator Anne Eiffel is now underway. This plotline will drive home the fact that sexual harassment is about abuse of power, not eroticism, because honestly, who would think erotic thoughts about Brad, especially in his little bow tie, it’s distasteful.

Also, aren’t Brad and Toni, like, really, officially a couple? Why can’t Brad bring himself to say she’s his girlfriend? Do you get fired for having a girlfriend, when you’re a member of Anne’s harem? KNOW YOUR RIGHTS, BRAD!

Hi and Lois, 8/5/11

Speaking of sexual harassment, I can’t really decide what the significance of this romantically forward fellow’s bizarre hairstyle and mustache is supposed to be. Is he a sleazy disco-era dude? A libidinous ethnic? Either way, it seems that the sexlessness of Hi and Lois’s marriage has not worked out as much in his favor as he might have hoped.

Pluggers, 8/5/11

Ha ha, don’t worry, pluggers, I don’t think there’s much danger of you suffering from a Ph.D.!