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Mary Worth, 6/26/18

Iris is right to be worried about guys who rush in, Tommy! Remember when she first moved to Charterstone and some guy made an overture at her at a pool party, and then after one date (if you can call it a date when you bring your daughter along with you) he was all like “I think the lady and I are going to be spending a lot of time together, mu ha ha ha!” and then one thing leads to another and suddenly he’s lurking in the bushes furiously wondering “Is he a professional? Or into illegal activities?” Anyway, take it slow is what we’re trying to get at, buddy!

Beetle Bailey, 6/26/18

It’s easy to project onto Beetle a a vague anti-militaristic sentiment, just because he seems so very uninterested in performing his duties as a soldier, but it turns out he loves the idea of bombing cities into rubble! Doesn’t feel any moral twinges about it at all! He’s just extremely lazy.

Blondie, 6/26/18

Dagwood definitely just agreed to have his organs harvested, right? Anyway, joke’s on Mr. Dithers or whoever had their eyes on his healthy young heart and liver: everything in his body cavity is like 90 percent deli meat at this point.

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Blondie, 6/19/18

Apparently Blondie HQ finally got wind of the insanely dumb Rick and Morty fan riots at McDonald’s over Szechuan Sauce, and decided to tackle it as only they can, which is to say by taking care not to infringe on anybody else’s intellectual property. Still, I like the idea that in Dagwood’s imagination the dispute stops being about a specific kind of sauce and just becomes about sauce as a general category, and also that it only took nine signs before they got to extremely stilted phrases like “Unfair to sauce cravers” and “Stop the sauce withholding madness!”

Judge Parker, 6/19/18

“I ask that you hold all questions until the very end. Particularly about the spelling of my name, which, as I’ve already established, is M-A-H-L-E-R. Harold is spelled the usual way. I’m not sure how you spell Godiva. Ahem. At approximately 9:30 am, Ms. Danube’s body w–” “Commander Mahler! How do you spell ‘Danube?’” “God damn it, what did I say?”

Mary Worth, 6/19/18

“I’m close to my mom too. She’s still young and hot though, and has an extremely active sex life. [as Brandy’s weeping intensifies] How horny was your mom, Brandy?”

Mark Trail, 6/19/18

“Settle down, Rusty! Rambunctious little boys are the first to be sacrificed.”

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Blondie, 6/2/18

Ha ha, women, am I right? Always forcing you to help maintain your household instead of interacting with your friends because they’re petty tyrants who don’t love you, am I right???

Hi and Lois, 6/2/18

You could interact with your friends but if you do your wife won’t feed you and there’s no way you or your friends could feed yourselves because you’re men!!!!! Women, right fellas??????

Marvin, 6/2/18

Ha ha, women!!!! Forcing you to do your chores but then also working their way through their own chores like a dead-eyed zombie!!! It’s like, make your your mind, lady!!! Adult life truly is a hell!!!!!!!!