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Spider-Man, 1/8/18

Huh, so, when they set up that Doctors Banner and Connors have the same incredibly rare blood type, I assumed the meant, like … a super-powered sci-fi blood type? One conducive to turning people into green monsters? Not, you know, AB negative, a normal human characteristic which is rare in that it’s the least common of all the possible blood types, but even at about 0.6% of the population, that’s still thousands and thousands of people in Dade County alone! So I’m not sure it’s really a “we need a specific donor right away from whom we can siphon delicious blood” scenario, but thank goodness Bruce will soon be there, having already removed his shirt to make finding a vein that much quicker and easier.

Slylock Fox, 1/8/18

Speaking of South Florida, I love that Max is planning on attending a beach wedding by throwing a jacket on over his usual total absence of a shirt. I think Slylock’s giving him bad advice, though. He needs to bring both jackets — black for a sophisticated look at the beach, and then change to white for those hot Miami nights on the dance floor.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/8/18

Somehow Funky ended last week’s AA meeting diatribe by concluding that the world was so messed up that it went way past the point where he should start drinking again, so I guess that’s … a cheerful ending? Anyway, now we’ve moved on to another classic topic of Funkyverse japery, Bull Bushka’s encroaching TBI-caused dementia. You know what they say! Old ballers never die … their minds just fade away, leaving them a wizened husk of their former self. In a way, it’s like a living death. Then they do die, eventually, but by then it’s a blessing. THAT’S THE PUNCHLINE TO TODAY’S STRIP EVERYBODY

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Mark Trail, 1/4/18

Wow, everybody, Mark isn’t just taking Rusty on a trip for once; he’s taking him and Cherry on a trip to Mexico! They haven’t mentioned fishing yet but snorkeling counts, right? I think it’s cute that they’re trying to spin a trip to Mexico as exposing Rusty to a “totally different culture,” as if he’s had any meaningful contact with American culture beyond the AM radio broadcasts that are occasionally permitted within the log walls of the compound.

The casual mention of Mark’s “old archaeologist friend” is obviously setting up the main plot, so I think the questions we need to ask ourselves are: which cursèd artifact will Rusty be touching, how soon will he be touching it, and to which ancient Olmec god of blood will it be necessary to sacrifice him to prevent the destruction of the world?

Mary Worth, 1/4/18

As Wilbur spirals down into full-on anhedonia, I was trying to remember the last time I saw him experience happiness that isn’t retroactively tainted by Fabiana’s perfidy. I’m thinking it might be when he deliriously proclaimed to his editor that “I shouldn’t be alive … but I am”? What I’m trying to say is, if Wilbur wants to feel joy again, he might want to rent himself out to a rich sadist with a private island for a “Most Dangerous Game” situation.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/4/18

Hey, were you wondering how Funky’s AA meeting is going? Welp, he’s basically given a long, rambling diatribe about how everything’s going to shit that’s both extremely intense and weirdly lacking in proper nouns while everyone else stares at him in horrified silence. It’s going great, in other words.

Pluggers, 1/4/18

ONLY PLUGGERS CAN RECONSTRUCT INCIDENTS FROM THEIR MEMORY INTO A COHERENT NARRATIVE AND UNDERSTAND THE PASSAGE OF TIME

WE URBAN ELITISTS LIVE IN A JUMBLED FOG OF PAST AND PRESENT INCIDENTS, UNABLE TO REMINISCE OR LEARN OR PERCEIVE CAUSE AND EFFECT

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Happy New Year, all, I am getting back in the saddle after my long winter’s nap and as usual am beginning the year by just straight-up flinging a bunch of comics at you from the time I was gone! I cannot keep away from the siren song of the continuity and continuity-ish strips so brace yourself for a wild sleigh ride of horror!

Dick Tracy, 12/23/17

Aww, isn’t that sweet? Dick Tracy’s beloved half-alien granddaughter is “sure” Ugly Crystal is pretty “in her own way.” What a kind thing to say that isn’t back-handed and passive-aggressive at all! Well, Merry Christmas! [hears “happy holidays” in response] HAPPY WHAT? GO TO HELL YOU BLUE HAIRED FREAK

Gil Thorp, 12/23/17

When we last saw our heroes, they were about to reveal why Gary’s sister shouldn’t feel bad for him even though he was bankrupt and had his law license suspended. Turns out it’s because … he’s sleeping on a friend’s couch! Ha ha, that does make him unsympathetic! I had actually assumed he was living with his family? Anyway, he’s also trying to groom Rick Soto as a boy band singer or whatever, which was his last hope before he falls away into the financial abyss. Not sure how Gil figured all this out, including his living situation, from Kelly’s Internet ninja-ing, but no matter, Gary’s definitely going to lose everything now, just like he deserves for being a nerd who hates football!

Mary Worth, 12/24/17

Meanwhile, in Mary Worth, Wilbur is so crazed with jealousy that he can’t even hear Mary’s extremely sensible advice! But, as the great John Steinbeck pointed out, most people don’t listen to advice. Ha ha, Mary, John Steinbeck basically says your whole deal is pointless! He’s a Nobel laureate, so he probably knows what he’s talking about.

Mary Worth, 12/25/17

One of my favorite things about Christmas in the comics is how some of the soap strips just grind to a halt to bring a little moment of Christmas cheer. Like, Mary obviously isn’t dwelling on Wilbur’s sullen rejection of her stern warning to leave Iris alone, because she’s too busy serving up an enormous ham that she and Dr. Jeff and going to eat apparently by themselves, just looking at each other lovingly while the ham juice dribbles down their chins. I’m pretty sure we haven’t actually seen Dr. Jeff in “action” in this strip since last Christmas, when he was similarly besotted with a ham. Good to know he’s still alive, I guess, although his lack of dialogue in both Christmas strips leaves open the possibility that we’re dealing with a Weekend at Bernie’s or Lars and the Real Girl situation here.

Gil Thorp, 12/25/17

Meanwhile, Gil Thorp can only spare a single panel for holiday greetings, because it needs to use the other one to set up an exciting cliffhanger! Who has been lurking just outside Gil’s office, ready to say that Rick’s own mother’s opinion doesn’t matter?

Gil Thorp, 12/26/17

Why, it’s Rick’s dad, of course, who’s come home from Dubai to clean house and reclaim his wife and son from the clutches of his nefarious brother-in-law. All’s well that ends well, and our only question is: did Gil know Richard was listening from the hallway this whole time? Did they plan the whole thing out in advance, maybe by drawing X’s and O’s on a chalkboard?

Mark Trail, 12/26/17

Mark Trail’s Christmas week storyline is more chill by an order of magnitude. Look, everyone, it’s Andy the dog! He’s clever and alert … and he smells something.

Shoe, 12/27/17

OK, I know technically Shoe isn’t a continuity strip, but I do think you all need to know that, according to the inscrutable but implacable commands of a soulless computer, the Perfesser is going to have to have sexual relations with a major kitchen appliance.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/28/17

So, yeah, it turns out the old people lurking around the playground were in fact little Johnny’s biological paternal grandparents, whom Margie claimed didn’t exist because Johnny’s dad lied to her or maybe she just didn’t like them, who’s to say. Anyway, June understands why this kindly old couple would desperately want a connection to their lost son, but, like, she’s had this kid around the house for several weeks now and has kind of gotten used to him, you know?

Mary Worth, 12/28/17

So, Wilbur’s had a few days to let Mary’s advice that he should let Zak and Iris be happy together sink in, let’s see how he’s dealing wOH MY GOD HE’S GOING TO AMBUSH HER WITH FLOWERS IN THE PARKING LOT WHEN SHE AND ZAK ARE ALL DRESSED UP TO GO TO A WEDDING, THIS IS FANTASTIC

Mary Worth, 12/29/17

AH HA HA NO WAIT HE’S NOT EVEN GOING TO GIVE HER THE FLOWERS, HE’S JUST GOING TO STAND THERE BUG-EYED AND PARALYZED BY THE SHEER POWER OF ZAK AND IRIS’S RAW MUTUAL SEXUAL ATTRACTION

Mary Worth, 12/30/17

Oh, man, he even gets to see the moment where they profess their love for one another for the first time in English. You can grip those thorny roses as much as you want, Wilbur, but no mere physical pain will distract you from your broken heart!

Dick Tracy, 12/30/17

Ha ha, I may have implied up above that notorious fascist Dick Tracy and his strip don’t take kindly to ecumenical “Happy Holidays” bullshit, but that’s obviously not true, because here’s beloved ancillary character Sam Catchem lighting the menorah a mere eleven days after Hanukkah ended!

Mark Trail, 12/30/17

Anyway, it turns out that Andy was sniffing out a raccoon that was raiding the Trail family trash. Good ol’ Andy, always watching out for his family! Other families, like the family of this adorable baby raccoon, can go fuck themselves.

Curtis, 12/31/17

Curtis seems to have forever given up on wacky Kwanzaa stories, but at least we got this charming strip, featuring a delightfully cackling old man 2017 and a briefly muscular baby 2018.

Gil Thorp, 1/1/18

Now we’re rolling into 2018 and … hey guys, remember football? Remember the big win the Mudlarks had on the road against their conference rival? Well, no, you don’t, because you never got to see it, but at least you got to see Gil and Kaz aggressively high-fiving about it after the fact, and also gloat about how Uncle Gary is sleeping in the gutter tonight, probably!

Funky Winkerbean, 1/2/18

Oh, and you’re probably wondering: what’s the new year have in store for the Funkyverse? Well, probably Funky spiraling back down into alcoholism because the world is just too messed up right now and doesn’t a nice big bottle or twelve of whiskey sound great?

Anyway, my 2018 is going to include a normal, healthy amount of booze drinking and another year of making fun of the comics, just like always, so I hope you’ll stick with me and tell all your friends! 2018 is also going to feature me hosting my extremely fun and hilarious show, The Internet Read Aloud, every first Friday of the month in Los Angeles, except in February, I’m gonna be out of town in February, but including January, and that’s this Friday and here’s the poster!

Here’s the Facebook event! Let’s all have a fun new year together, guys!