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Mary Worth, 10/2/21

[At the wedding] “So she said to me, ‘Is that your Frenchie?’” [leers grotesquely, everyone is kind of uncomfortable] “And I said ‘Yes. They’re cute, aren’t they? Except for the…” [really unsettlingly long pause, leers even more grotesquely, everyone waits for it, not really sure what “it” is going to be] “CHEWING!’” [disgust rises, nobody can quite put their finger on what he’s getting at here or what this double entendre is but they can all agree it’s very gross] [there’s no cute Pierre accent jokes in this one, he’s run far, far away at this point]

Hi and Lois, 10/2/21

I love the way the first panel here emphasizes the difference in height between our two mismatched best buds. It’s as if Hi is trying to physically intimidate Thirsty into finally, after literal decades, embracing the craft brew revolution. Sorry, Hi! The whole point is to drink the beers as quickly as possible to get buzzed as quickly as possible, and you can’t do that if you have taste it.

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Mary Worth, 10/1/21

“Ah, mes amis! I realize I have not been keeping you up to date about my adventures with Weelbur. Je suis désolé! You see, what happened is, he has taken me out of his terrible apartment and unclipped me from the leash, and then I said au revoir forever! I shall ‘peace out,’ as you Americans say!”

Hi and Lois, 10/1/21

You know, one of my main philosophical beefs with religions that propose an afterlife of eternal rewards and/or punishments is the disproportionality of it all. Like, what could we possibly do in our finite life on Earth that would merit an eternity in heaven, or hell? Your soul in either place could exist for a billion years, so that your entire mortal life would basically be a long-forgotten blink of an eye, and that still would only be an infinitesimal fraction of what you have ahead of you. Can you imagine an angry Dawg confronting a baffled God, demanding to know why he only got 12 or so years on Earth, when soon everyone he ever loved would be joining him in heaven, and they’ll be happy together forever, as transcendent beings. Unless … the Flagstons are going to hell? They’re bad people, they’re going to hell, and Dawg, who lives with them and knows them intimately, is well aware that his few years on this plane are the only ones he’ll ever spend with them, as they’ll all be tortured for all eternity, for their sins? I realize this has gotten pretty heavy, but if Hi and Lois didn’t want me going down this road, it probably shouldn’t have done a comic where a little girl and a dog contemplate mortality.

Dustin, 10/1/21

The thing I appreciate about today’s Dustin is that Dustin’s dad is still wearing his suit, which means that he spent his evening commute seething in a white-hot rage, confident that when got home he would find that Dustin had once again failed to get a job or do anything productive, and worked himself up into a frenzy so intense that he had to find his no-good son and yell at him immediately upon arriving at the house, without even pausing to take off his tie. It’s funny because his whole life is nothing but a series of disappointments!

Blondie, 10/1/21

Having complimented Blondie’s punchline yesterday, I now feel like I have credibility to point out that today’s absolutely sucks ass. Establishing a whole German backstory for Lou (“Ludwig,” I guess?) just to deliver a gag about an oompah band playing a song not associated with oompah music and also see Dagwood get a pile of goo to eat, which despite his ravenous appetite seems very much not his bag? Terrible, terrible all around. Sad to see the strip blow its entire week’s supply of humor in a single day.

Dennis the Menace, 10/1/21

“I’m sure he’d like to. But he can’t! He can’t communicate with anyone! He’s screaming endlessly, in his own mind!” Menace level: very high.

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Mary Worth, 9/27/21

“Bonjour, mes amis! Eet ees I, Pierre, narrating my new life with zees Weelbur character! Many Americans like to make big jokes about zee French and our military — how-you-say — misadventures in zee first half of zee 20th century! But let it not be said that we have not learned from our errors! For instance: keeping our army behind zee Maginot Line, waiting for zee Boche to attack? A foolish notion, as it turned out! That is why I am responding to zees one’s threatened aggression weeth a pre-emptive attack! Take zat, you terrible shoes! Trust me, Weelbur, once you get over your anger, you will thank me when you upgrade to something much more fashionable! And zat is how we shall eventually become friends, just like zee French and zee Boche today.”

Blondie, 9/27/21

I hate to be the guy pining for the long-lost past of comic strips. I’m not even going to demand a return to the Blondie of the 1930s, which featured delightfully detailed drawings of Blondie’s roommate being stood up at the altar by an ether-crazed Dagwood. I just want someone at this strip to go back to thinking up fun names for its off-screen characters, and knock it off with the incredibly on-the-nose ones. It’s a contract, which is about money, so I guess the person or company they’re signing the contract with is named … Moolah? We don’t need this brand of comics onomastics, Blondie, we already have Beetle Bailey!

Pluggers, 9/27/21

I am definitely assuming this plugger is using a grocery cart to push her giant purse around her own home. Not going to do any further research on this one!