Archive: Mary Worth

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/2/21

Oh, boy, it looks like the early coronavirus pandemic echoes in Funkyverse strips that were probably written a year ago have reached the mothership, everybody! It’s funny that Crankshaft used the opportunity to do some zany jokes about hand sanitizer and whatnot, whereas in Funky Winkerbean itself the key question is “How can we make this global pandemic, which is particularly dangerous to the immunocompromised, all about Les — specifically, how can we show that Les is the real hero in Lisa’s cancer story, and is also unpleasantly neurotic?”

Crankshaft, 3/2/21

Meanwhile, Crankshaft is just riffing on headlines like “How a superspreader at choir practice sickened 52 people with COVID-19” with bits like “Wouldn’t it be funny if in the middle of a choral performance, the old lady playing the organ just straight-up dropped dead? Right there in church? In front of everybody?”

Mary Worth, 3/2/21

Look, it’s all fun and games to claim, without evidence, that your dog is a “champion tracker” when you never go hunting and there are no real stakes to it, especially when your dog is a tiny dachsund with a comically large snout! How much tracking does anyone’s pet dog do on a regular basis, anyway? Hardly none, right? But just know that if you say this sort of thing enough, you might eventually be called upon to render actual tracking services, and that can get real awkward real fast.

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Family Circus, 2/28/21

I think I speak for literally everyone when I say that I assumed that the Keane household was a strictly G-rated content zone, so I’m as surprised as you are to see Jeffy being menaced by some fairly terrifying characters in his dreamscape today. I’m particularly intrigued by his little smile as he imagines the alien from Alien, slobbering acid all over the place. Does Jeffy dream of his little egg-shaped body becoming a real egg for something monstrous, something that will burst out his soft, tiny form and tear his whole family to pieces — especially his hated sister? We need only look to the finale image for answers.

Crankshaft, 2/28/21

As metaphors for general brain fuzziness go, I thought “desperately running up and down a flight of stairs to stave off a flood” was pretty grim, but that was before I got to “sinister ‘big government’ will DENY YOU ACCESS TO YOUR OWN MIND,” so, yikes.

Mary Worth, 2/28/21

Saul, Eve … I hate to break this to you, but … Greta has literally no idea what is going on. She’s not looking for Max at all. 100% of what is going through her tiny purebred mind right now is “WHEEEEEEEEEE”

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Mary Worth, 2/25/21

Yeah, Saul, your life sure is a roller-coaster, isn’t it? You know, it’s always something! Either Mary’s coming by to force some horrible leftovers on you, or, uh, well, that’s pretty much it, as you don’t really interact much with anyone else in your condo complex. Say, what do you think Eve’s up to? Oh, did her dog get scared by the thunder and run away, giving you an opportunity for much needed human interaction? That’s wonderf– I mean, that’s horrible! Horrible!

Crankshaft, 2/25/21

An earlier post on this blog predicted that Crankshaft, the title character of the comic strip Crankshaft, would serve the role of the “holy fool” in this plotline, judging an uncarved block of ice to be truly the most profound work of art of all. Instead, he will be playing the part of the “wise simpleton,” seeing through the bullshit that blinds the supposedly educated. We regret the error.