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Judge Parker, 9/9/19

Oh, man, remember when Judge Parker Senior confessed on TV that he did a crime, and then some other mean judge — probably because judges actively breaking the law is a sore spot for him for some reason, maybe because it makes all judges look bad or maybe he just doesn’t like a two-tier justice system for the rich and poor, who can say — put Judge Parker Senior in jail? Well, it looks like our gang is about to do another crime to get Judge Parker Senior out of jail, and it is extremely key that current Judge Randy Parker not know any of the details. Definitely everything he’s heard up to this point would lead him to believe that Sam’s plan is on the up and up! He won’t be going to jail, no sir!

Dustin, 9/9/19

Nice to see that Dustin is taking a day off from its usual shtick of slamming on millennials, or even its occasional shtick of slamming on baby boomers, to cover a subject we can all enjoy: TV commercials. You ever notice how many commercials are on TV, folks? Millennials don’t, because they use their parents logins to watch Netflix and HBO Go on their laptops in their rooms, but that’s neither here nor there.

Pluggers, 9/9/19

You’re a plugger if you need to hide coupons from your spouse because you know his love of terrible processed foods combined with his love of a bargain could literally kill him this week.

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Marvin, 9/5/19

I’m not really a fan of the way Jeff and Guy Who I’m Reasonably Sure We’ve Never Seen Before But We’re Expected To Believe That He And Jeff Have This Long Backstory And Established Emotional Intimacy, And Also He’s Named “Bill,” I Guess, are looking at the viewer in the third panel, implicating us in their own retrograde view of masculinity. “It’s like, guys, am I right, people?” they’re thinking. “We’re incapable of feeding ourselves, and that’s why we’re dying of cardiovascular disease!”

Pluggers, 9/5/19

Pluggers know that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but more often it signifies the phallus, that potent symbol that proclaims and establishes male domination over society.

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Hagar the Horrible, 8/30/19

One of the running gags of Hagar the Horrible is of course that it’s The Honeymooners or [insert up-to-date cultural reference to a sitcom where the whole gimmick is that the married couple at the center of it don’t seem to like each other very much and fight all the time], but in a 9th or 10th century Europe under relentless attack by vicious Norse warriors, with said warriors being the viewpoint characters. But every once in a while we see that, despite their constant bickering, Hagar and Helga are indeed a well-matched pair. Does Helga for a single moment indulge herself in sentimentalism about the scores of men and women her husband has slaughtered for plunder, about the whole kingdoms that were torched to keep her in finery? She very much does not.

Pluggers, 8/30/19

Hmm, you’re a plugger if … you have adult responsibilities you have to fulfill before you can engage in recreational activities? And if your family life involves negotiating how much priority to give to those responsibilities with other members of your family? I have bad news for … literally everyone.