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Gil Thorp, 11/1/17

OH SNAP IT’S THE SHOCKING MID-SEASON GIL THORP TWIST!!! See, we all thought Rick was going to get a concussion like his Uncle Gary was so worried about, but nope, he just got a “classic” sprained ankle, “classic” because that’s the sort of injury football players used to get, back when men were men, you know? Nobody complained about poor widdle babies getting concussions back in the day, probably because people were tougher and hadn’t been pussified by liberals and feminism, or maybe because concussions and brain injuries were harder to diagnose with older medical techniques and thousands suffered for reasons they never fully understood, who can say. Anyway, the good news is, while a traumatic brain injury would probably interfere with Rick’s promising YouTube singing career, a sprained ankle will only serve as a solid gimmick to help him stand out from the pack as “Gimpy Golden-Voiced Rick Soto, Modern-Day Crooner.”

Mary Worth, 11/1/17

In Iris’s cold calculus, a man can be hot, rich, age-appropriate, and/or Wilbur, and he needs to match at least two of those qualities to be her boyfriend. So, good news for Zak! He seems so different now, possibly because they’ve entered some murky parallel dimension where everything is purple and also traditional morals and values are inverted and Mary will advise her to definitely link herself to the sexy game-designing millionaire and convince him to cash in before the stock inevitably tanks.

Mark Trail, 11/1/17

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: When “black box” devices are recovered from crashed aircraft, more 90 percent of the time the final words recorded in the cockpit are “It is getting harder to control the plane!”

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Pluggers, 10/31/17

Today’s Pluggers is another look into the sad world of the young plugger bear-man. I’m not saying he’s sad so much because he’s eating ice cream out of its container — who amongst us hasn’t done the same? — so much as because of the location where he’s chosen to do so. This is a man(imal) whose car routinely serves as his dining room and who “cuts out the middleman” by just straight-up letting food scraps from his poorly constructed sandwiches accumulate in the sink, so I suppose part of the point is that he’s not held back by society’s rules about where one should feed, but still, something about the way he’s carefully leaned the lid to the ice cream against the … bread box? toaster oven? Whatever, it’s just some random and probably largely unused piece of kitchen equipment that our bear-man hero mostly employs to hold up the disposable packaging of whatever it is he’s consuming whole while standing in the middle of the kitchen floor, alone.

The Phantom, 10/31/17

The current weekly Phantom plot involves a journey to Walker’s Table, a mesa in the American Southwest that at some point came under the control of our Africa-based hero-lineage, where the Ghost-Who-Doesn’t-Check-In-With-His-Far-Flung-Real-Estate-Holdings tried to land a plane last week only to be driven off by gunfire. I’m mostly just amused by this long list of social malcontents who may or may not be lurking up there. If the ideological base of the occupying force really is so diverse, the smart bet would probably just be to leave them holed up there until they turn on each other and see who comes out on top. And don’t count out the Trekkies, man! The whole thing where they have to pay $10 a month for the new CBS streaming app in order to watch Discovery has ’em pissed.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/31/17

Ha ha! It’s funny because this guy has married a number of women, and he wants to give them all a book about a husband who watches his wife die of cancer, as a “gift”!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/30/17

Gosh, maybe if your strip’s main character is a weird tiny gnomish person who, unlike the other characters in the strip, looks like he’s half old man and half baby, and there’s never really any explanation of why … maybe don’t draw attention to that fact? Maybe don’t!

Dennis the Menace, 10/30/17

“So you’re tellin’ me you hate the fact that your body and mind are slowly but surely breaking down as you age, threatening to leave you a feeble, confused shadow of your former self … but you fear death?” Today’s menace game is extremely strong.

Judger Parker, 10/30/17

EVERY TIME APRIL LOOKS AT A PICTURE OF HER BABY

SHE HAS TO SHIV SOMEONE IN THE YARD

EVERY

SINGLE

TIME