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Gil Thorp, 8/16/17

OK, see, when it comes to my nostalgia-fueled love of returning former Gil Thorp teens who are now All Grown Up, even I have my limits. Like, Trey and Jaquan, a couple of guys who hadn’t appeared in more than a decade? I’m jazzed as hell, man! But True Standish, the star quarterback who graduated last year? Ennnnnnh. Under True’s steady hand, the ranking of the Wake Forest Demon Deacons offense apparently dropped from 114th in the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision to 124th, but at least this summer when he crushes his receiver’s hopes and dreams, it’ll be the outcome everyone’s rooting for.

Mark Trail, 8/16/17

Oh, hey, remember when Johnny straight-up rode over a cliff on his horse? Well, surprise, that was just some fancy illusion work from Mark’s old buddy, and he’s not dead at all! Unfortunately, back two months ago (side note: Mark and this motley crew have been out on the Dakota prairie for two months??? Jesus) when Mark and Johnny plotted to use Johnny’s trick riding skills to defeat their enemies, they were still under the impression that the she-kidnapper was a hostage (despite Mark’s big talk about knowing all along she was on the side of evil), so probably Johnny is about to chivalrously ride to her rescue, with disastrous results.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/16/17

You know, some people view me with pity just because I somehow retain huge swaths of plot and character detail for Mary Worth or Gil Thorp in my head, but in my defense those plots and characters are, for the most part, fun. Take Funky Winkerbean in contrast: despite the fact that I’ve read it and been annoyed by it every day for more than a decade, I routinely forgot a lot of its byzantine world-building, because honestly why bother. So, like, for instance, up until today I would’ve sworn that Darrin’s pal/coworker Mopey Pete was another one of the strip’s seemingly endless supply of clinically depressed Northeast Ohio natives, but nope, I guess he’s a “New York and L.A. guy,” a proud bicoastal elitist who nevertheless dresses like that. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll find something that interests him in Centerville! Probably a lady, for sex.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/16/17

Sorry, gag-a-day strip writers: no so-called “punchline” you could come up with would be funnier than panel three of today’s Rex Morgan, M.D., in which we see the gears of June’s mind spinning wildly in her attempt to avoid the responsibility of raising her dying childhood friend’s toddler.

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Gil Thorp, 8/14/17

Oh, so that’s what Jaquan meant by “backwards!” It looks like instead of the summer wackiness we crave, we’ll be getting … a 31-year-old pro basketball player with a bum knee suddenly deciding he wants to play an insanely physically punishing game that chews up its players’ bodies and destroys their brains? Sure, why not! At least he’ll have Heather on his side, a high school student and coaching dabbler who in just a few months last year helped linebacker Kevin Pelwecki achieve his dream of becoming a fifth-string quarterback, probably just so Gil wouldn’t have to listen to him whine anymore. Maybe this summer will be wacky after all, if you consider a long prelude to a debilitating concussion “wacky!”

Hi and Lois, 8/14/17

I find this comic honestly delightful! Look at how happy everybody is! I’m really enjoying the image of Lois explaining to Thirsty in a soothing voice, possibly while holding an ice-cold beer just out of reach, how four to six hours a day spent in a pleasant PBR haze on the couch flipping through the channels of the Flagstons’ premium cable package could be plausibly spun to Irma as “house-sitting.”

Crankshaft, 8/14/17

You know, I have to admit, while Crankshaft wasn’t at the top of my list of widely syndicated newspaper comic strips that I thought might do a piss-drinking joke, it wasn’t exactly at the bottom, either.

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Gil Thorp, 8/12/17

“Or maybe I’ve got that backward! Maybe, I wish basketball … coached her!” Or … right? Not sure what that means, and I’m also hoping pretty hard that it doesn’t mean that Jaquan has taken a liking to Heather, what with him being like 31 and her being in high school and all.

Panel two is yet another egregious colorist error, what with Trey being assigned Jaquan’s skin and jacket color in panel two despite the fact that he literally says Jaquan’s name in his dialogue. Then again, Jaquan’s right eye is also being swallowed up by his skintone in the final panel. Perhaps the very nature of the reality of the Thorpiverse is glitching, and everyone is about to find themselves swallowed up in sea of pleasing burnt umber.

Crock, 8/12/17

Hey, kids, don’t give up if the mysteries you submit to Slylock Fox get rejected! They can still use them in Crock, apparently?

Hi and Lois, 8/12/17

Like many teenage boys, Chip has little by way of sexual experience or skills, and his partners rarely achieve orgasm during their encounters.

Six Chix, 8/12/17

Today’s lesson from Six Chix: little kids are assholes!