The Advanced Archive found 221 posts!

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Dick Tracy, 3/12/09

The just-started Dick Tracy storyline involves not hideous villains embarking on a difficult-to-follow crime spree, but rather Dick intervening with one of his loser friends who has a gambling problem. I’m not certain exactly how this will lead to a graphically violent denouement, but surely our hero will find a way. In the meantime, for everyone who feels the comics should be more educational, I submit for your approval panel three, which shows us what would have happened if famed abolitionist John Brown had lived long enough to join Devo, then star as Scrooge in a community theater version of A Christmas Carol.

Luann, 3/12/09

Oh, look, it’s more tales of ribaldry in Luann! For most of this week TJ has been impressing (and arousing?) Luann with his pointless trivia knowledge about Argentine and Italian exports. (No, really.) Yet today’s oops-I-“accidentally”-walked-in-you-in-the-bath-Mrs.-D. might lead to our boy’s fancy settling on the older Ms. Degroot, setting up a possible mother-daughter-boarder romantic triangle! And wouldn’t that be delightfully ribald? And by “delightfully ribald” I mean “repulsive.”

Mary Worth, 3/12/09

WRONG MOVE, CONFEY! You probably thought that “identity theft” was a good sob story that would cover your inability to pick up a restaurant check until you and your Queenie were legally wed and what’s hers was yours. But upon hearing the very phrase, Adrian no doubt is thinking, “Oh my God, he’s no smarter than that idiot blonde Tobey that Mary’s always palling around with, and mocking behind her back! I can’t be tied to such an obvious dimwit! MUST … ESCAPE …”

I like Ted’s rust-colored suit jacket/black turtleneck combo, but I love the dude in the background’s black-and-white checked pullover/baby blue cardigan outfit.

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Apartment 3-G, 2/26/09

While this week’s Apartment 3-G has been mostly a nonstop stream of exposition, it has me almost embarrassingly excited. A few years back, a faithful reader who had been following the Apartment 3-G girls much longer than I had filled me in on Margo’s origin story: her mother Gabriella was a young immigrant maid who got knocked up during an affair with her rich boss, and gave the baby up to said boss and his horrified wife to raise as their own; when Margo found out (as an adult), she cut off contact with her father and his wife and started building a relationship with Gabriella (who may or may not have been the family maid growing up — I hope we find out). I love this story because its details — the icy mother who harbored a grudge against little Margo nobody could explain; the father who insisted on bending others to his plans but exercised no control over his own appetites; the girl raised in wealth who now must navigate a world without it — explains so much about Margo’s personality, and I’m glad to see it actually confirmed in in-strip dialogue. Even more exciting is the prospect of Margo’s father actually appearing in the strip. No doubt he’ll look exactly like Eric, which in other contexts would be FULL OF SYMBOLISM but in Apartment 3-G will just indicate that he is male and not related to Lu Ann.

Luann, 2/26/09

Things it’s fun to imagine TJ doing while masturbating: shouting “Whoa! Luann’s nailin’ it! 98%!!”

Things it’s disturbing to imagine TJ doing while masturbating: shouting “Whoa! Luann’s nailin’ it! 98%!!” while making that horrifying face.

Oh, and hey, remember how I said that I am egocentric enough to mention your comic if you mention me by name in it? Well, check out the installment from a few days ago from Rabbits Against Magic!

Rabbits Against Magic, 2/24/09

Sorry that I’m, uh, a little late.

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Hi and Lois, 2/23/09

Internal rivalry is apparently bursting through to the surface over at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC! It’s as if the project leader over in the Hi and Lois division got a sneak peak at the Beetle Bailey that ran Saturday and said, “Why, that’s not how do a cartoon about a woman irritating her husband by damaging the family car! Team, by the end of this three-hour creative meeting, we’ll have figured out how to both make the strip’s basic plot more comprehensible, and manage to convey the husband’s anger about the car without making the characters’ marriage seem like a soul-crushing prison!” True, it’s not like the final joke is “funny” per se, but that maybe seems like asking a lot.

Wizard of Id, 2/23/09

Though I’m not enough of a cryptozoological enthusiast to be up on the psychology of dragons, I am a bit confused about why one would, when informed of the untimely death or injury of its mother, respond with fire-breathing rage rather than, say, weeping. Theory: the strip originally implied that the dragon’s mother was involved in sexual congress with a phallically shaped jumbo jet (with Sir Rodney’s jab including the phrase “hit it”), but was censored at the last minute by the prudes at the syndicate.

Mark Trail, 2/23/09

“Yeah, I know it’s rough! It’s a good thing I’m all set for money, what with those three stories I write a year for that wildlife magazine! Seriously, remember that time I gave that little girl a puppy? I made more doing that than most doctors make in a year, plus a sweet per diem!”

The mystery of how Ken could be this storyline’s villain without facial hair has been solved. Obviously Patty is being slapped around and terrorized by the economy, not her put-upon husband. All will be well in that marriage once again once Ken gets a six-figure government check as a result of a provision of the stimulus package that timber industry lobbyists managed to sneak in at the last minute.

Luann, 2/23/09

Thing I will see in my nightmares for weeks and weeks: TJ’s perpetual death-rictus of a face looking even more skull-like than usual as he waggles his fingers in mid-air and cackles “Then shred, dude!” “THEN SHRED, DUDE!” [shudder shudder shudder]

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Shoe, 1/20/09

“No … but my luggage has! Ha ha ha! Do you get it? Because sometimes airlines will put your luggage on the wrong plane, and it will ‘visit’ cities and countries that you’ve never been to! It’s an ironic little indignity of modern life, that many people can relate to! Ha ha ha! Oh, mercy! … wait, what do you mean there’s a second panel? Um. Twice. It happened twice. The luggage thing, I mean.”

Luann, 1/20/09

The current Luann story has been painfully stupid, as in so stupid that it’s been causing me real physical pain. This sexy fundraising event has been necessitated by a chain of events that ceases to make sense if you think about it for more than fifteen seconds … but since this is Luann, Ground Zero For Queasy, Awkward Sexuality, the plotline has obviously been elaborately constructed to lead to this moment. Because remember, it’s OK to include a lovingly detailed drawing of a teenage girl in a bikini in the comics, as long as you call her a tramp.

Marmaduke, 1/20/09

Ha ha, foolish Cave-Man! Marmaduke can never have enough mangled, dismembered bodies in his backyard. Hand over the meat or you’re next.

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Luann, 12/8/08

So, the last time I ranted about the overarchingly gross “sexiness” in Luann, a commentor claimed that, because I’m obviously a horny male type, I was primarily angered by the strip’s refusal to reward Brad with sexual access to Toni (and Gunther with the same to Luann). Obviously I have not been getting my point across, as nothing could be further from the truth; in fact, there are few things that I would find more distasteful, on both an aesthetic and an emotional level, than the prospect of Brad having sex.

Here’s what drives me batty about this strip’s treatment of romantic relationships: everything’s all presented to us as if its something that’s supposed to make us all hot and bothered, and yet it’s not erotically charged at all, both because of the need to stay within the strict bounds of newspaper strip acceptable content rules and because of the extreme hamhandedness of it all. The fact that it all reinforces the whole “Women are mysterious and manipulative and men are doomed to be trapped forever in their sexual thrall” thing just adds some extra ick.

I’d dearly love nothing more than to stop thinking about the sexual lives of the characters in Luann, but it seems like every other storyline in the strip is entirely about their sexual lives, veiled by this layer of propriety that’s all the more baffling considering how blatant the winking and nudging is. The result is that it’s like a dirty joke told by an ten year old, today’s example being a prime example. “Hey, Toni, I was just thinking about you because … melons! Ha ha! Get it? Because they look like… you know! Ha!” Christ.

I had an epiphany the other day, actually, that what it all most reminds me of is the classic SNL “Tales of Ribaldry” sketch, in which Jon Lovitz plays a regency-era fop who gets hilariously worked up by hints at sex but becomes outraged when actual sex starts occurring — and whaddya know, thanks the magic of the Internet, you can actually stream those old sketches from NBC, totally legally, so here’s one for those of you too young/old/classy to remember:

Anyway, this has been a mostly unfunny rant, and I promise not to revisit the subject again unless I have something amusing to say about it. I was mostly excited that “Tales of Ribaldry” was actually available online, and had to express my displeasure about the melons. Melons! Seriously. Melons.

Gil Thorp, 12/8/08

Wait … what? Is this a new Gil Thorp storyline, all of the sudden? I’m sure Ashley Aiello and her box of NUT BOY (“It’s Nutty!” is what I hope that says on that box) will be very interesting and all, but usually at the end of football season we at least get some sort of acknowledgement of the team’s annual failure to win a championship of any sort. I won’t honestly miss Gil rubbing the back of his massive, square head ruefully while attempting to cast the blame on someone else, I suppose, but I do demand narrative satisfaction on the conclusion of the Marty Moon gets fired and replaced by punk kids arc. That mysterious, shadowy figure in the first panel had better be Marty, despondant and prepared to buy every bottle of anything even vaguely intoxicating that the 24-7 SwiftiMart stocks, including NyQuil and lighter fluid.

Dick Tracy, 12/8/08

Whenever Dick Tracy says “Time to pick up the pieces,” the “pieces” in question are the mutilated body parts of his enemies, obviously.

Apartment 3-G, 12/8/08

Margo literally does not know what Detective Collins is talking about, because the only bit of drug terminology known to her or any of her acquaintances is “dope.”

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Once again, my life is vaguely beginning to resemble Luann:

Luann, 12/3/08

Yes, remember back when Brad, Toni, Sally Forth writer Ces Marciuliano, and I were all getting our pictures taken for sexy calendars? Well, those calendars are now ready for you to purchase!

Say, who’s Mr. March there in his sexy undershirt, looking like Marlon Brando without the pectorals? I THINK WE KNOW WHO THAT IS. But to get a better look, you’re gonna have to buy the calendar, which, fortunately, you can do by clicking here (and I get a cut, even)! Just brace yourself for an avalanche of raw blogger sex appeal. Unlike the inept marketing team that came up with the DeGroot Hometown Fireperson’s Calendar, the Hot Bloggers folks have put together two calendars — one with hot lady bloggers, and one with hot gentleman bloggers (Ces and I are in the latter). They’re both ready for you at that link, so ACT NOW! For HOTNESS! There’s even a bonus picture of me on the cover of the calendar and, not to give anything away, but, toilet, that’s all I’m saying. Make like the understated gay couple in today’s Luann and buy as many as humanly possible.

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As America’s Thanksgiving weekend winds up, I just thought I’d give thanks for a few things:

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 11/28/08

I’m thankful for the greatest Apartment 3-G narration box ever. “As Margo’s despair deepens…” should be placed at the top of every panel in which Margo appears, and at the top of many in which she does not.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/28/08

June is thankful that Sarah hasn’t noticed that “loud older people alone time” mostly happens when Daddy is out “playing golf.”

Luann, 11/28/08

I’m thankful that we got to see T.J. talking to his parents, swatches of whose scalps he keeps in his wallet at all times, about at last finding a new set of victims.

Panel from Spider-Man, 11/28/08

I’m glad to at last see hard evidence that excessive TV watching can reduce your attention span.

The Middletons, 11/30/08

I’m glad to see that America’s funny pages can provide comic relief for those with loved ones suffering from senile dementia. Ha ha, she’s so far gone, she doesn’t even know what time of year it is!

Beetle Bailey, 11/30/08

I’m glad we got to see Beetle in charge of a whole soldier, instead of the dismembered soldier-bits he usually bosses around.

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Mark Trail, 11/13/08

You know that things in Mark Trail are about to get especially awesome when Mark strides into the midst of a gang of rowdy, bloodthirsty hillbillies, armed with nothing but his fists, his self-righteousness, and bold font. The last time he walked willingly into such a hornet’s nest of rustic hate was when he rescued Andy from a backwoods petnapping compound; first he declared his intentions to spring his beloved dog in front of armed hicks, then absorbed a kick to the groin and proceeded to toss his overalled nemesis to the pigs. Today, the clan of sinister yokels he faces is even more numerous, but Mark cares nothing for the odds, and will save yet another pet from yet another terrible fate.

The key part is that it’s a pet (or a PET, as Mark puts it). Wild raccoons: you are on your own, and will do battle with dogs to delight the rednecks for the foreseeable future. It’s nature’s way!

The real punchline of this story will come after Mark returns to the cabin in triumph to bring Sneaky home. Unable to sate the bloodlust he worked up while chained to that log, he’ll drown his beloved family in the bathtub. Mark will find their half-devoured corpses months later when he stops by to visit, and then Sue will finally be able to build that strip mall.

Mary Worth, 11/13/08

There are so many things wrong with Mary’s self-appointed mission as a relentless meddler, but here’s the wrongest: Mary really doesn’t understand human beings, or their emotions, at all. “Sorry for the years of emotional abuse! Here’s this expensive but ultimately useless bauble I purchased at a store. I know that based on the foliage here in upstate New York it’s mid-June, but, FYI, this is your Christmas present, so don’t expect anything in December. Now, who’s ready for another 18-hour practice?”

Luann, 11/13/08

And that’s the day that Luann settled on her future career: phone sex operator.

Hi and Lois, 11/13/08

It had been eleven days since Hi and Lois had forced Chip to join the Army, sold Trixie to the highest bidder, and then got in the car and driven off to parts unknown. Dot and Ditto had eaten the last edible matter in the house. Things were about to get ugly.

Marmaduke, 11/13/08

And by “leave so fast they forget their coat,” he means “are devoured the moment they take their coat off,” of course.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/21/08

It looks like Apartment 3-G, having made drug abuse and murder bland and vaguely boring, is about to do the same for China’s meddling in Tibetan monastic politics. Remember how Eric was supposed to be rescuing his brother from some combination Tibetan temple/hospital/Chinese prison thingy in Lhasa, or something? Apparently he took this Lodi character instead, which we may or may not have been told at the time? Lodi, I am assuming, is a stand-in for Gedhun Choekyi Nyima, who was chosen as Panchen Lama as a child with the Dalai Lama’s blessing; he and his family were taken out of Tibet by the Chinese government and haven’t been seen since, while the government has nominated its own candidate for the post. Gedhun/Lodi seems to be none the worse for wear for his time as a political prisoner, having learned valuable English and hiking skills. The question is, can he retain his sense of detachment from desire and suffering upon encountering the ultimate threat to any holy man: Margo Magee?

Family Circus, 10/21/08

It’s obviously unsettling that the Keanes have some kind of gargantuan microwave that can heat up an entire full-sized pizza, though that may explain why Billy thinks that nuking food qualifies as “making” it. Poor Jeffy is once again stuck with the being-baffled-by-everyday-slang role usually reserved for comical foreigners, robots and aliens, and dorky white dudes. But what really gets me about this cartoon is the drooping tip of Billy’s pizza. I imagine that he’s gesticulating with the slice, the tip flopping up and down as he does so, grease splattering everywhere. I think that it would be pretty hypnotic to watch; no doubt that’s what Mommy is focusing on, which is why she looks so beatific despite being surrounded by morons.

Luann, 10/21/08

“I mean, Toni never talks about him, but he hangs around in my mind … brawny … vaguely threatening … half-dressed…”

Mary Worth, 10/21/08

Oh, Dr. Jeff, always so bad at strategy. If you’re going to try to escape Mary’s clutches, you don’t announce it. You just leave town the minute she walks out the door. You can set her condo on fire on your way out if it would make you feel better.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/21/08

Ha ha, Rex is grinding something! Get it, because … ha ha … grinding … oh, what’s the use.

Based on Sarah’s weird, distorted face in the final panel, I’m guessing the wind is so strong and the boats are tilting because they’ve accidentally wandered into a nuclear weapons test site. Soon everyone will be killed in a ball of flame, which will at least alleviate the boredom of watching a sailboat race.

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Luann, 10/16/08

Hi there, perverts with delicate sensitivities! Did you enjoy last week’s exciting “Brad sees Toni in a sports bra and becomes aroused” storyline? Well, then you’ll love this week’s provocative “Gunther delicately drapes his measuring tape over Luann’s ‘bust,’ at her explicit request, and becomes aroused, but apparently feels bad about it” storyline! You can blame the stultifying Victorian sensibilities that still reign in the anachronistic print media for the bizarre chasteness of these scenes, but you can thank those same sensibilities for sparing you the sight of Brad and/or Gunther furiously masturbating in the bathroom just after those scenes ended.

Mark Trail, 10/16/08

Wow, this Mark Trail storyline is trying to mash all of the strip’s usual tropes into one big steaming pile of narrative mess. We’ve already got lovable forest-dwelling hermits, a rapacious developer with a mustache who hates nature, and a sexy lady who wants into Mark’s khaki pants. Now we also have hillbillies who are cruel to animals! Inevitably, Sneaky will be drawn into this terrible scene, with the intention of putting us on the edge of our seats with worry over the beloved raccoon. There are two related problems with this plan. This first is that Sneaky is not lovable at all, but rather a soulless, dead-eyed monster who cannot be regarded with anything other than dread. Sneaky, I thrilled to the adventures of Molly the Bear; I danced on stage with Molly the Bear; Molly the Bear was a friend of mine. Sneaky, you’re no Molly the Bear.

The second reason why I’m not anxious for the fate of our raccoon hero in a Sneaky vs. dog smackdown is that Sneaky, being a sociopathic killer, will emerge victorious in a matter of bloody, horrifying seconds. I foresee a lot of overall-clad bumpkins standing around a fetid shack uncomfortably while Sneaky rears up triumphantly over the corpse of his victim, chittering out the raccoon equivalent of “COME ON! YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS? HUH? DO YA?”

Gasoline Alley, 10/16/08

Words that have never, ever been followed by engaging narrative of any kind: “Let’s check it out on the Internet!”